Brainscratch

Another freestyle poem thingy but there are like three different plots going on simultaneously...I'm pretty proud of it :D

Whenever I close my eyes I see purple Clouds streak across orange Sky
The Sun races up one horizon and back down the other as if being chased by Darkness

"Something simply does not go here but I know not what"
says the Mad Hatter to the cantelope on Christmas eve
Ebenezer Scrooge is starting his giving spree again
I am in the rafters watching the scene unfold
Masterbating

The Stars try and mediate the dispute between Moon and Sun but to no avial
Darkness is tired of being looked down upon and Light is too snooty to negotiate

A Nun finds me and whacks my knuckles with a ruler
The Mad Hatter follows Scrooge riding his catelope friend to market
Shaken by the suprise I shudder and ejaculate on her gown
He must find a golden widget for his rhinoceros
Wife

The Stars have had enough and Sun's too tired to try and outrun Darkness anymore
Moon shines Sun's rays back on Sun and Sun throws in the towel

"Help me!" I cry as I run from a Priest called upon by Nun called upon by God to end my a-sexual pleasentries
The golden widget is found but it's broken and now Scrooge is lost in time
"This isn't my house" declared a confused man in a rafter idly massaging his genitals
The Nun, Priest, and God tower over me with blinding faces and teeth like death...I face judgment
Again

Earth wakes up and calms her children Sun, Moon, Light, Dark, Cloud, Sky, and Stars
All her children listen attentively as she explains the new rules.

I am stripped naked as lashes burrow under my skin and whip my soul
"I love you wife" Scrooge says to his rhinoceros bride Mad Hatter
Suddenly I'm engulfed in black flames as Satan comes to free me from Heaven's deathly grasp
"Why is that Nun touching herself so?"  a confused man walks through the mind of a dead Priest named
Jesus

There's a new Day by the name of Night where only Stars are called to be bright
And now Night is seen like Day when the Sun is allowed to play
The Stars can be like martians and come and go as they please
Sky will play on Cloud's face and Light tends to Dark's every need

I need you in my life, we've been away for too long.
-Cantelope

Author's Note

Even though I'm proud of it feel free to comment and be brutally honest, thanks!

Reviews

[Hamkar]

It is like one triggers another in a completely different place.

[TeenRomance2]

Wow, very unique and surreal. Don't think I've ever read anything like this. I love how it feels like you never once censored yourself and were very free when writing this poem. Good!

[Charles]

Shades of Faulkner! Quite an interesting piece of writing. There are so many threads intertwined here that the players are almost impossible to tell apart = almost but not quite. That's what makes this a good writing - complex but understandable and a consistency to the way the lines and thoughts intertwine (there are one or two lines that seem out of place, though. You have chosen characters appropriately and create an intensity within each stanza that is commendable. Lots of extraneous activity herein but no loose ends at the conclusion. Good work.

[Nicole]

Its really good, but what would make it better in my opinion,
Is if you organize it better.
Commas, periods, etc.
But besides that I found it very enjoyable.. and so did my niece.
Here's her review:
(translated from baby talk)
"I really like this, it made me happy."