Crappy Stuff: Ticks

Crappy stuff. Not polished. But the page just looks so lonely with nothing on it.

There are moments, interruptions in the normal flow of my daily thoughts, when the air suddenly becomes ten degrees colder and the world closes in around me.  For that half-breath, as I breath it, I remember some flaw or fault-line in the course of my small history that throws me into a state of unbalance.  When will it all come crashing down?  When will the Bad Thing finally happen?  When will someone just hurt me, because that's the way the world is designed.

 

Life is pain.  Breath is agony.  I remember so much pain, so much constant, literal, physical pain.  I'm suspended like a bubble in gelled ice, in a world where no one can hurt me too badly or make my body do things I don't want it to do.  I exist in a world where, if someone hurts me, I am allowed-- expected-- to retaliate.  I am no longer an animal.  I am a human being.  I am confused.

 

There are moments I forget that the world is so merciful, moments when I remember all the hours of all the hurt, moments when I cringe because the blow will hit me somewhere, and I don't know where or how or when.  Sometimes I forget to fear.  But then, in just a moment, I forget not to fear.

 

I want to pull the knife out of my pocket and rip it through my skin.  I want to tear and scar at my flesh, just to make the pain real and physical.  Present, identifiable.  I want my enemy to stop being the shadow in my dreams who chases me and waits around every corner.  I want to fight him face to face.  I don't care if I win or lose.  I just want clarity in my world.

 

There will always be suffering.  There will always be sadness and loneliness.  I want to know it.  I want it to be physical in the knife in my hand.  Physical in the enemy standing before me.  Physical in the blood from my cuts.  Physical and real, identifiable and thereby tolerable.

 

I'm no good at fighting ghosts.

Author's Note

once again, crappy stuff I just threw up here, uneditted. If you have comments of any type, sure, tell me something.

Reviews

[Jon Gary Frost]

Not crappy at all. Seems to come from a pretty deep place.

[Xfaerie corpseX]

wow.....this is really good. i mean its kinda pessimistic. but very easy to relate to...not exactly the physical beatings but i can relate to the first paragraph...ne way...its defenatly nor crap. this is really well written and really good.