With Clasped Hands

We've all been here. If you haven't, you're very lucky.

Surely

There must be

Some other way

 

You can’t

Expect me

To just walk away

 

Please don’t

Say that

No, not this way

 

Eyes tight

Yes, I can

Hear what you say

 

But I don’t want to leave you

Don’t want you to leave me

I think about you

Every day of my life

I want to see you

Want you to see me

I think about you

Every day of my life

 

You are the sunrise

You are the sunset

You are the moon

And the stars in my sky

And I think about you

Every day of my life

 

And I think about you

Every day

Of my life

 

And I think about you

Every day of my

Life

Author's Note

Please don't judge -too- harshly, as it was written in only 15 minutes, but I'd love to hear what you have to say. Any other title suggestions? I don't like mine.

Reviews

[Miss Coral]

I think that this could use more depth. Personally, I feel that the flow and the rhythm were perfectly done, and it would be a shame to change it, but the actual relationship with the person that you are talking about is so vague, so undescribed, that it's still difficult to relate to the emotions you're experiencing. I think that you could hint at it, what you miss, what you actually love about them, rather than your love. Or, simply go into your emotions more.
The repetition at the very end was extremely effective, and was used perfectly- especially the last line.
Overall, I think this piece has potential to be even better, but as it is, is quite good already. Well done.

[Lydia Blackwell]

I know exactly where you were at there- why does life have to be so damn difficult? Except the person that I've spent the last 18 yrs with doesn't ever want to hold my hand or look at me and that is part of the reason why I have to go. It sucks all the same.

[_thesovo]

This is realllyyyy good. I like it. In the library it goessss

[PaperHearts]

I thought that this was a pretty good write! I really loved the rhythmic flow of your poem; it almost read like lyrics to a song. I thought that your emotions came across really powerfully, and in a way which made the situation that you were describing relatable. I personally liked the first half a lot more than the second half. I felt that it was a lot more genuine and I could actually imagine a person saying it directly to someone else. Nice work,
~PaperHearts

[Tea And A Cheshire Smil..]

Firstly, I like Sasha's title suggestion ^^

Secondly, I like it... but I don't think it's your best. Having said that, it wouldn't be considering you wrote it in 15 minutes. If you edit this at all when you have a bit more time on your hands then please send me a read request :) I'd love to read an improved version that you've spent more time on.

[Sasha]

Oh, all right. I'll try not to be TOO harsh. :P
I really loved the repitition at the end - the sensible emphasis it adds to this poem. I've definitely been in that spot and wouldn't wish it on most people. That said, I do wish there was more depth of emotion to it. I do feel the longing and pleading you've presented, but in a situation like that, there must be a lot going on inside you that you could touch on.

You can call it (With) Clasped Hands which would be a reference to prayer, longing, and clutching the hand of this person in the hopes they don't go.