Andrew Nelson Stewart Andrew Nelson Stewart
In poetry and to find answers of who we are while walking the ephemeral road upon cracks of pain signs leading you.
Mystery

Mystery

A Poem by Panzi Tino

MYSTERY
Stars can’t explain how you glow
Age can’t explain how you’ve grown
Beauty and Brains is what you show
My Mystery Girl I’ll take it slow

I’ll take care of her through every storm
Miss Independent she’s got her Own
She knows how to make me Smile
Keeps me Mesmerized for a while

I’d never hurt her intentionally 
Couldn’t break her emotionally
She’s got a strong hold
Wish I didn’t have to let go

Possibly we’ll grow Old Together
Together we change the Weather 
Forever is an endless Tale
Calm and Focused She won’t Fail
ON THE ROAD TO GREATNESS WE’LL LEAVE A TRAIL AT THE END WE’LL WATCH THE SUNSET AS WE SAIL


© 2017 Panzi Tino



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k
There's a lot about this poem that works. You have some good rhymes going and you have a clear message that's easy to find.

Some suggestions when you're revising:

I feel like there's disconnect between your title and the actual content of your poem. You refer to your subject as your "mystery girl" but you don't actually delve into what makes her a mystery girl or why that's important, important enough to be the title of your poem. On the subject of that line, it's kind of a weak one. "My mystery girl I'll take it slow." I'm not sure what the two ideas have to do with each other, why they run together with no punctuation, and honestly it's unclear what you mean by "I'll take it slow". Take what slow? Why are you taking it slow? What does this have to do with anything? It just comes across as a way to force a rhyme right now, which isn't what you want from a strong poem.

Another thing you should think about is your grammar: particularly punctuation and capitalization. If there's a reason for your erratic capitalization and lack of punctuation, then that's great. But if there's no clear reason in your mind why it's formatted this way, then I suggest cleaning it up to what is considered grammatically correct. As the poem is now, these elements just distract from the rest of the poem rather than emphasizing anything or really adding any effect. I would also really think about whether or not the final two lines need to be in all capital letters. Right now it seems kind of cheesy and once again adds no real effect to the writing.

A final note, make sure you think about every word and every line you write and make sure it has a purpose. If you've thrown a phrase on the end of the line to force a rhyme, omit it. It's better to have a poem that means something than it is to have one that rhymes. Try to avoid cliches and overused lines and create your own metaphors.

In conclusion, I think you have a solid base here, just needs a bit of tweaking. Hope this was helpful!

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Panzi Tino

1 Month Ago

Much appreciated very help full indeed.....



Reviews

Love this keep writing
Enjoyed

Posted 1 Month Ago


[send message][befriend] Subscribe
k
There's a lot about this poem that works. You have some good rhymes going and you have a clear message that's easy to find.

Some suggestions when you're revising:

I feel like there's disconnect between your title and the actual content of your poem. You refer to your subject as your "mystery girl" but you don't actually delve into what makes her a mystery girl or why that's important, important enough to be the title of your poem. On the subject of that line, it's kind of a weak one. "My mystery girl I'll take it slow." I'm not sure what the two ideas have to do with each other, why they run together with no punctuation, and honestly it's unclear what you mean by "I'll take it slow". Take what slow? Why are you taking it slow? What does this have to do with anything? It just comes across as a way to force a rhyme right now, which isn't what you want from a strong poem.

Another thing you should think about is your grammar: particularly punctuation and capitalization. If there's a reason for your erratic capitalization and lack of punctuation, then that's great. But if there's no clear reason in your mind why it's formatted this way, then I suggest cleaning it up to what is considered grammatically correct. As the poem is now, these elements just distract from the rest of the poem rather than emphasizing anything or really adding any effect. I would also really think about whether or not the final two lines need to be in all capital letters. Right now it seems kind of cheesy and once again adds no real effect to the writing.

A final note, make sure you think about every word and every line you write and make sure it has a purpose. If you've thrown a phrase on the end of the line to force a rhyme, omit it. It's better to have a poem that means something than it is to have one that rhymes. Try to avoid cliches and overused lines and create your own metaphors.

In conclusion, I think you have a solid base here, just needs a bit of tweaking. Hope this was helpful!

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Panzi Tino

1 Month Ago

Much appreciated very help full indeed.....

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Added on September 11, 2017
Last Updated on September 11, 2017

Author

Panzi Tino
Panzi Tino

Dubai, Sharja, United Arab Emirates



About
I'm a Namibian poet with a dynamic view of the world Rebel minded I write about true values of life I love to explore and diverse my self in different cultures..... more..

Writing
Africa Africa

A Poem by Panzi Tino