Reason

I'd kill to get away

I'd die to make my own way

and I'd lose to celebrate

I'd win to see the good days

I'll never stop the fighting

so bring to me your worst

I'll never stop believing

that I could rule the world one day

Here we are!

February.

Another long month, but not nearly as long as January.

The nice thing about this month is you can start to feel the sun get warmer!

I stumbled across an interview from Sufjan Stevens and it got me thinking.

Because we both have been in a similar situation, I hold Sufjan close to my heart for many reasons.

He seems to always have endless words of wisdom and I could listen to his music and stories for hours.  

The interviewer asked Mr. Stevens  if he believed that everything happens for a reason.

There was a very long pause.

After a while he said no. 

He said that he thinks things do not happen for a reason, but there is always meaning behind them.

He had a good point and he opened my mind.

I have always believed everything happens for a reason, but his words made me sit back and really ponder.

During this month each year my mother gets a look in her eyes.

She goes on to say that she can't believe it's been so many years.

Not long before I was born, my brother arrived.

My brother Joshua was still born.

Going back to Sufjan's theory, I don't think there is any reason why my brother didn't get to live.

Sometimes there are things in life we just can't have an explamation for, no matter how much we want it.

It is left for our minds to make up an answer, or to believe what we want to believe.

Sometimes I wonder if I would be here if Joshua had lived.

I like to think my brother is looking out for me. Watching over me.

I like to think he is by my side playing the big brother role and protecting me.

Perhaps it's because I am getting older, but a thought occurred to me the other day that lifted so much weight off my shoulders.

I've always had a fear of being alone for all my life.

Never getting married, never having a child.

Dying alone.

For a while, seeing all my peers getting engaged and having children only magnified it.  

Yet slowly it's not bothering me much anymore.

I realized that we all die alone.

It's the cold hard truth.

We all die alone.

 All by ourselves.

No one else has our beating heart.

If I never find love, it doesn't mean there aren't people out there who once loved me to pieces.

I'll always carry memories of past lovers, and I will hold stories for the rest of my life.

I have miles to go and a whole life ahead of me, so why be afraid?

The really good things take time.

There's no point in worrying because if you worry, you might miss all the great things right in front of you.

There's something wonderful on the horizon anyway.

I have ambition and lots of it.

After everything that I have been through, I deserve to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy.

If I have to fight to get it, I will.

Whoever knocks on my window

Whoevers ruining my hope

I wouldn't laugh at achievement

Like what I dream is a joke

Sufjan's interview: http://www.radionz.co.nz/national/programmes/saturday/audio/201786543/sufjan-stevens-illness,-death-and-faith

 

Author's Note

Reviews

[Antoñyo]

I do believe in reasons things happen, meaning in most everything, as well as cause and effect... but I also am a big fan of the Native-American belief everything is connected and it's big picture implications. A lot of times people look at things on a personal level and fail to realize one small thing can touch other lives or situations. When we view the world through a universal looking glass, we can't help but see where our world fails. If we grow at all, we learn that few things are as or more important than where the world's headed. Reasons are there but not always for one to see or comprehend because often the reasons why weren't meant for us personally. Meaning is there in multiple form because learning is not one-size-fits-all. Cause and effect is probably the most personal rule one can grow from directly because we are to learn from our mistakes and/or the situations we find ourselves in.

We enter and leave this world alone but never are we meant to be alone. In fact, our obligation is to bring people (and the best environment for people) closer together. Can you truly believe that if the world was 100% kind, the same problems in the world would still exist? No, the key here is -- in your words --- "There's no point in worrying because if you worry, you might miss all the great things right in front of you....There's something wonderful on the horizon anyway." Looking forward, letting go of the negative adds to the beauty of the world. You are doing your part simply by holding on to the beauty of what's inside instead of the bad.
Any written piece that makes people rant (I mean, COMMUNICATE) like I just did deserves a 100! Thanks for the share.

[Sandra Nair]

Now I have become your fan with this one piece of art. It is really making me think. I think there is a spelling mistake in the word,'explanation' which you wrote as 'explamation'.
Really nice thought Mr.Stevens.Hats off to both of you,Kathryn.

Wishes,
Sandra.

[Coyote Poetry]

I agree dear Poet.
"After everything that I have been through, I deserve to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy.
If I have to fight to get it, I will."
We can't allow naysayers to slow us down. Thank you for sharing the outstanding poetry.
Coyote

[wordman]

our lives are made of hopes and dreams,it brings fears and not so great memories
sometimes we dread the coming event in our lives,great write

[dan]

Kathryn, I'm sorry that your mom (and you too) find February's arrival tinged with a blackness that can never be muted. Mine and my son's (Joshua) birthdays are nine days apart this month, and your piece made me think of how I would have handled it had Josh not been carried to full birth. I get a feeling like gears grating against my soul. A very deep and poignant write, chock full of cluttered emotional turmoil; the fact that it allowed you to reexamine some of your beliefs is a blessing. (One small error: You meant to write 'explanation' but instead wrote 'exclamation.' No biggy.) Thank you for sharing this with us. take care...dan

[Kathryn Smith]

Thank you Dan! :) X

[Alucard6336]

Hey you probably think I say this to all the women but your my favorite poet on here.

I like this, especially the start. It's painful, sure but life is pain.

Shine a little light down,. Light that fire in the night. You are an empowered woman.

[Kathryn Smith]

Wow, really and truly?? Thats nice of you! I am touched. :') Thank you so much! I appreciate it! xoxo