A Whole Heart

The sun was winking at me through the trees and I held on tighter to Teddy. Teddy wasn’t going to leave, that’s what Mummy had told me. Teddy would be there all through my nap. Mummy was in the front of the car driving but her hands were shaking. I don’t know why they were shaking. Maybe it was because Daddy couldn’t be here because his new wife and baby were too important all the way up in the scot place where he lives now.

            I stroked Teddy’s ears and gave him a big kiss.

            “Now, Teddy, you are not to be frightened, we are just going for a nap and then we can go home and eat lots of ice cream.”

            My tummy rumbled when I thought about ice-cream. Mummy hadn’t let me eat my breakfast this morning or any lunch even though it’s past one in the afternoon and we always have lunch at one in the afternoon. Mummy hasn’t eaten either but she said that was because her tummy felt funny.

            “Can I have some chocolate?” I asked Mummy. She twisted her head a little bit and shook it.

            “Not yet poppet, you aren’t allowed to eat anything until later.”

            “But my tummy hurts!” I cried at her.

Stupid Mummy not letting me have any food, people die without food, that’s what they say all the time on the TV on those adverts. We have to give £2 a month for food or children die. I don’t want to die from no food. I tell Mummy this and she glares at me in the mirror.

            “Cora, be quiet,” Mummy snapped.

I nodded at the mirror Mummy and wiped my eyes where drops of water had started to fall because I might have died from not eating.

Mummy seemed mad at me but she knew it was going to be okay. She had told me not to be scared and that they were just going to fix me so all my feelings didn’t leak out of my heart. That would be bad if that happened. I don’t want my feelings to fall out, then I couldn’t love Teddy or Mummy or my new baby brother who I haven’t seen yet but who I love already because I’m his big sister and it’s my job.

“Jump out Cora,” Mummy said. She was by my door already, I didn’t know the car had stopped I was too busy thinking about all the cool things I could do with my baby brother when he came to see me soon. Daddy had said soon on the phone this morning when he had told my Mummy he couldn’t come and she had shouted but it was okay because Grandma would be here and Grandma was going to look after Mummy while the nice Doctor looked after me. I don’t know why Mummy worries because I like the Doctor.

I jumped from the car with Teddy and held onto to Mummy’s hand. She led me through the big sliding doors and into the hospital where I was going to have my nap. I had to tell her to let go of my hand though because she was hurting all my bones. 

            We walked through the hospital, I was behind Mummy because she walked really fast and my legs couldn’t keep up with hers because I’m only little and she’s really tall. We walked past a nice smiley woman at the desk. She said hello to me but I couldn’t remember who she was so I ignored her and held on tighter to Teddy. Teddy was a little bit scared because of all the nasty machines beeping but I told him just like my Mummy had told me that he shouldn’t be scared because everything was okay and when I woke up from my nap e could have all the ice-cream in the world.

            Me, Mummy and Grandma walked past a playroom that had animals on the wall and other children playing with toys. I almost missed it because I was thinking about ice-cream.

            “Can I go and play?” I asked going over to the window.

            “Not now Cora,” Mummy said in an angry voice.

            “But I want to go and play!” I said stomping my foot and almost dropping Teddy.

            “No Cora.”

            She took my hand to pull me away from the window. I tried to stay where I was but Mummy was too strong and I fell over. I started to cry because I hurt my knee and because I had squished Teddy. Then Mummy started to cry and I didn’t know why so I stopped and hugged her. Grandma pulled me off Mummy and said some words to her that I didn’t hear. Mummy gave me a kiss and then walked away.

            “Would you like to go play now Cora?”

            “Where did Mummy go?”

            “Just to see the Doctor, now do you want to go and play or not?”

            Me and Grandma played in the playroom for ages. We played in the doll’s house and I had tea with Teddy. Then Teddy got kidnapped by an evil crocodile and I had to be a hero and save him. Then Grandma helped me do a jigsaw which took so long that I hadn’t even finished it by the time that Mummy came back. She had the nice Doctor with her and he smiled at me like the woman at the desk did. Everyone except Mummy kept smiling at me.

            He asked me if he could put a special cream on my hand so that when he sent me for my nap it wouldn’t hurt. I said he could and he did it for me in the play room. I thought he was nice because then he started to help me do my jigsaw. It was a hard jigsaw because there were lots of little bits but I knew the picture. It was of Cinderella at the ball. I told the Doctor that and he said that his little girl liked that film. I said that maybe we could watch Cinderella together one day and that I was a bit like Cinderella because I didn’t have a Daddy anymore. Mummy told me off when I said that because I do have a Daddy really he just didn’t want to come and see the Doctor fix my heart so my feelings don’t leak out.

            “So do you know what’s going to happen to you Cora?” the Doctor asked me.

            I nodded and took the piece of paper that he held. It had a picture of a real human heart on it; not one of the hearts that we drew on the Valentine’s Day cards at school a real human heart like I have in my body. I pointed at the picture.

            “I have a hole and you are going to fix it because otherwise I could get really sick and all my feeling will leak out and that wouldn’t be good because then I might need a new heart that’s not even mine and I might have to wait ages for it.”

            The Doctor laughed and ruffled my hair; I flattened it back down and pouted at him.

            “She certainly knows her stuff,” the Doctor man said.

            “We don’t believe that she should go into this not knowing what it’s about, no matter how old she is,” Grandma said.

            Mummy gave her a funny look, maybe she didn’t want me to know about my poorly heart.

            “Well I don’t meet many five-year-olds that can tell me about their own hole in their heart.”

            “I’m six in May,” I said to him.

            “That you are,” the Doctor said, “do you want to come with me now so we can get you ready?”

            “But what about my jigsaw?”

            “You can do it after your nap,” Grandma said picking me up, “I’ll carry you and you can carry Teddy okay?”

            “Okay.”

I liked it when Grandma carried me, she was a super Grandma. Mummy told me it was because she helped Mummy all the time with me when I was just a little baby because my Daddy had a new girlfriend.

            Grandma carried me all the way to a big hospital bed in a room with other children. I had to wait there for ages with Mummy and Grandma. I nearly fell asleep but Mummy shook me awake saying that it wasn’t time for my nap but then Grandma told her to stop worrying and let me sleep. Grandma always told Mummy to stop worrying at home; like when I wanted to go on the bouncy castle at school or when I wanted to ride my bike to the park and play in the sand.

Maybe it was because she didn’t want the hole to get bigger even though I told her that I would be okay because I’m a big girl. She cried when I said that, she always cries. I love my Mummy but I wish she wouldn’t be angry with Daddy all time or shouting at Grandma or crying when she thinks that I can’t see. Sometimes she goes to see the Doctor without me and I have to stay with Grandma, I think she just wants to make sure I’m okay. Grandma says she’s sad because I’m sick and Daddy has a new wife and baby and that I have to be an extra good girl so she becomes happy again.

She started to cry again when the Doctor came back and told me that it was time for my nap. I gave her a big cuddle and kiss and gave grandma a big cuddle and kiss because I didn’t want her to be left out. They pushed me on the bed to a room which was fun, it felt like the car but it wasn’t on the road.  Teddy thought it was the best ride he had ever been on.

“Now Cora, we are going to put a mask on your face and I want you to count to ten for me…”

The Doctor was smiling at me again; he was always smiling at me. Mummy was holding my hand really tight, just like I was holding Teddy really tight. I had told Mummy that I wasn’t going to be scared but I was a little bit scared. I started to cry when they put a needle in my hand but Grandma was stroking my hair so I felt a bit better.

“Ready Cora?” The Doctor said.

“Love you honey,” Mummy whispered.

The mask was put on my face; it made the air taste funny.

“One…two…three…four…five…”