An object

When i concentrate

on an object,

a physical object,

all my knowledge of it disappears.

This object of tremendous strength and power,

this object metaphorically clear,

would shine in the darkest depth of earth.

You can almost grasp it but it is just a little too far away.

Author's Note

My VERY FIRST try at a proper poem, :P seriously it is my first proper poem.
(i am only 12)

Reviews

[Wondering Mind]

12?
I'd like to read more of you when more seasons greet you, if my time in mortality allows me.
I've never seen a "proper" poem, just poetry, some good, some really good, and others mind sweeping....I think you may be on the "write" track, right?
p.s. don't read me, I'll just spoil your form.

[Dante Balsote]

Hello, Paddy. Someone here in writerscafe, with the handle name of "ningx2" sent me a request that I review you. You say this is your first proper poem, so I'm gonna go easy on this one, although I'm telling you that in the field of writing you should as well prepare yourself on "ruthless" critics (they're not really ruthless, just that they sometimes use words that offend).

Now, for the review, for a 12 year old, you write really well. You have a concept, a "view" of the world, expressed here in your poetry. This indicates you are intellectually inclined, as all artists and poets are. But what you wrote is not poetry; it is a mere description of words. You know the difference between prose and poetry? A prose can be poetic. But a poem cannot be a prose. Poetry is more attached to art (and thus, beauty) than prose is. When you write prose, you can write what you think. For instance, if you write,

"When i concentrate on an object, a physical object, all my knowledge of it disappears."

...that's prose. The message of what you wrote is delivered to the audience with its intended effect.

Poetry, on the other hand, is something you can write and changes it's meaning if you alter even one word, or if you change even one punctuation, or if you cut even one phrase or one word and put it on the next line, or if you indent just one line. For instance, when you write,

"T'is education forms the common mind:
Just as the twig is bent the tree’s inclined."

This is written by Alexander Pope. "Ti's" is a contraction of "It is". Now read it as if reading prose. Do you see the difference? Yes, just alter one word, and everything changes. You may not lose the whole meaning of the poem, but it will lose it's color if you alter it in any way. We can do a bit of experiment:

If you write it in prose,

"T'is education forms the common mind: just as the twig is bent the tree’s inclined."

...who will understand it?

So to write it in prose, we are forced to modify a bit:

"It is education that forms the common mind: no tree can grow up straight; it must have bent twigs (or branches) so that it will not fall down against strong winds and the gravity of the earth."

One of the main features of poetry is you can write a word without "elaborating" on the details. Going back to your poem, you can always use words (of your own choosing) that would suggest what you are trying to say. For example, instead of,

"When i concentrate
on an object,
a physical object,
all my knowledge of it disappears."

...you can write,

"When I focus on the forest,
I forget about the trees."

But let me remind you that this is already cliche (over-used by writers from amateurs to professionals; so invent something original).

Also, avoid vague words, like in the line,

"This object of tremendous strength and power,
this object metaphorically clear,
would shine in the darkest depth of earth.
You can almost grasp it but it is just a little too far away."

"Object", "tremendous", "strength", and "power" are all vague. Use a concrete object when expressing your thoughts. This is called IMAGERY. Now what is imagery? Well, instead of saying, "this object of tremendous strength and power", you can say "elephant". An elephant is both an object, and of tremendous strength and power all at once. You don't need to have those long but vague words. And what do you mean by "this object metaphorically clear"? It isn't clear! It isn't even a metaphor! No, there are NO metaphors!

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For a 12 year old, you really are a talent. So I'll rate this a 99. I will be looking forward to the revision of the poem.

Best regards,

Dan