The Sign.

It was raining when I met her.
A sure sign.
I ignored it.
Many a love story started in the rain.
We headed into the restaurant.
She throttled her brolly, drenching me in the process.
I ignored it, my white suit didn’t.
She perused the menu.
I suggested drinks.
Yes, plain water is so invigorating.
If you’re in the Sahara desert, it sure is.
Another sign.
The vegan menu was excellent, she said.
The 16 ounce steak with animal still attached wasn’t, seemingly.
We talked about the benefits of a vegan diet. She talked about the benefits of a vegan diet.
I saw her roasting over a well lit spit with an apple in her mouth.
Another sign.
I played carrots on the plate game.
She grew her own potatoes, she said.
My eyes lit up at the thought of her having a little plot. Or maybe the thought of her in the plot. That was cruel. Just because she has a passion for something, there’s no need to be negative about it. Just eat the damn meal, the benefits will come later.
I am going to stay celibate till the right man comes along.
Okay so the benefits may take awhile, a lifetime by the looks of it.
Think of something interesting to say. Do you think Jesus, had he been on the farm. Do you think he would have fed the five thousand bread and steak.
I am a bit of a theologian myself, let me explain.
Christ, now I've opened a can of worms. A can of worms in sauce, how good does that sound. Maybe if I prayed hard, the uncelibacy god would whack her over the head.
How do you feel about sex before marriage, she said.
I think it’s a great idea. Okay her eyes are bulging out her head. Actually I think if a couple loved each other, they would wait. Okay, eyes back in head.
I totally agree, I think once the baby is conceived, there’s no need for sex. Don’t you agree.
Okay, carrots and peas, no sex, she definitely won’t have a telly, so that’s foreplay out the window. Yes I agree. How many kids are you thinking of having.
I was thinking about six.
Christ, we’ll be called the fruit and veg family. Right, desperate times call for desperate measures. Wish I hadn’t got that vasectomy now.
What.
I’ve had the snip.
You have committed the greatest sin ever. I thought when I met you there was a sign hanging over you. I’ll have to go, I really need to get to confessional, unburden myself.
Would you like me to join you.
No, you are past redemption.
That’s a shame. I really felt the signs were looking good.

Reviews

[Carol Cashes]

I loved this, So many lines made me laugh, I won't copy/paste. But: potato/burial plot? Jesus feeding the multitude bread and steak? ROASTING HER OVER A SPIT?! This is genius and was a joy to read.

[Paul Bell]

Just pinched this off your poems Carol. lol

[barleygirl]

Nice bit of satire against tree-huggers like myself! *harrrrrummmpppph!* Naw, you're entitled to your own meat-seeking ways. Great job of showing how it feels to have a lech breathing down one's throat as "payment for dinner" hangs heavily in the air. You've nailed it from both points of view! *wink! wink!*

[Paul Bell]

You know i love tree huggers Margie. Is there such a thing as a steak tree. lol

[Gee]

"Any chance of a shag" should be the first question, at least we'd know where we stand, and then on with the niceties, if she ain't fled.
You're very good at this type of writing Mr Bell, very good indeed

[Paul Bell]

I was trying to judge the mood. Think the veg turned me a weird colour, and the words wouldn't come out.lol

[Gee]

Are vegans and vegetarians averse to oral sex, just wondering !!

[Paul Bell]

Never got that far, But they talk a lot. lol

[Tony Jordan]

Oooh - a sign of the times.
You might want to try 'plenty of steak' instead of 'plenty of fish' next time Paul.
This reads like an Alan Partridge blind date, class!

[Paul Bell]

Yeah, think i was the blind guy on it. lol

[DIVYA]

Great humour. Just loved it.

[Paul Bell]

Thanks Divya, you need a laugh.

[B]

You got a wild imagination
And a sense of humor
Lol

Totally laughing here

[Paul Bell]

Marriage made in heaven for some poor guy. lol

[B]

Or maybe She wants to know if he loves her for her
I stand by her side lol

[Paul Bell]

You can babysit the six kids then. lol

[B]

i sure can

[Paul Bell]

Plus the adopted 10. You're the best.

[B]

i do want to adopt
how did u know that

[Paul Bell]

Saw it in the roses.

[B]

i see .... thats nice

[Paul Bell]

When are we doing this dark collab.

[B]

Let's see ..... I am in !!

[Paul Bell]

Okay i'll pop into the coven tonight for inspiration.

[B]

Whenever you are ready. I will give my part

[Paul Bell]

Conversational poem, Denise. Mind you, her name was Denise. lol You need a laugh to start the day. Hope you're not a vegan now.

[denise]

I really enjoyed this, I could picture the whole scene - gave me a good laugh
Not sure if I'd call it a poem though but it's really well done