Suzy Q.A Stage Play by Paul BellGlaziers lorry carrying large pane of glass. Four occupants,three young, one old. Heading into the city to one of the prestigious Council buildings Old George starts the conversation. You see, you young guys are okay for the small stuff, houses and like. But this is the real Mccoy, get this wrong, and there's hell to pay. Terry and Joe sitting behind George, are giving him the tosser sign. Meanwhile, over at Suzys apartment. The alarm goes off, Martin stirs, Suzy climbs over him, sighs, 26 today, and switches off the alarm, then proceeds to have Her wicked way with Martin.
Suzy. Mmmm, had better, and climbs off. Martin. What you doing. Suzy. Shower, dopey. Martin. Apoplectic, cries out, you can’t leave me like this, I’ll get blue balls syndrome. Suzy Laughs, fake it, I’ve been doing it for years. Martin. B***h. Nadia. Lives in the next apartment, and hears everything. She thinks Martin’s a sex maniac. Nadia hates all talk of sexual banter. But secretly loves Madonna and inspires to be her. Glazing lorry arrives at the Council. George Right no messing about, straight into the hole, secured and finished. Terry, Wow, straight in the hole, that’s experience, that is. Joe. Yep- you’ve either got it, or you’ve either not got it, got it Terry. Terry Got it Joe Bill The dim witted driver. I dug a hole yesterday. George. Stop pissing about, grab an end. Glass doesn’t fit. George. Bloody suppliers, hopeless b******s. Do you know, that’s what’s wrong with this country, it’s run by incompetents. Frantic phone call to the boss, who’s now onto the suppliers . going mad. Terry. Who measured the job. George. I did, right down to the last inch. That’s why I’m on this job. Terry. Knows exactly what’s happened, and is going to milk the situation. Terry. You measured the job in old currency. Joe. What’s that then. Terry. It’s like in the old days, your granny would get a penny for her pocket money, she’d grab the wheelbarrow and run down to the sweetie shop. Joe. Wow, how many sweeties did you get for a penny. Terry. Just the one, a penny carmel they called it. Joe. What did she need the wheelbarrow for. Terry. To carry it, they were massive, took a week to eat it. Terry and Joe are killing themselves laughing. George. What the hell is wrong with you two.
Just when things can’t get any worse, Bill adds his bit. Bill. Does the hole not fit the glass. George Is talking to himself. Why the hell did I come out of retirement. Terry. What’s the measurements, George. George. 8’ by 6’. Terry. Not being as experienced as you george, but I think you’ll find that glass is 1800 mm by 1600 mm. But just to make sure. Joe, do the honours. Joe. Certainly Terry, small or large tape. Terry. Large I think Joseph my man. Wow look at that. 1800 by 1600. spot on. They glass cutters are experienced. Joe. Technically, it’s the guy on the computer, the machine does the rest. Terry. Well george, we’ll leave you to tell the bossman. George. Wee mistake with the measurements, Mr Dunstable. Boss. How wee. George. I gave the measurements to the suppliers in inches, and they sent them out in millimetres. Boss. You sent measurements in inches, only dinosaurs use inches. (Speaking to secretary. Sent the measurements in inches, in inches, can’t believe it. Ranting now. Check the agency, see if he’s been in prison the last 30 years, maybe been sectioned, that’s it, he’s been let out. Chelsea. The secretary. Sorts everything out with the suppliers and Council.
Boss. Takes charge again. Right, get Terry to measure the job, I’m going out. Chelsea. Right Mr Dunstable. ( Under breath.) Going home then
Suzy. Suzy’s getting ready, while Martin’s in a mood. Martin. What’s the big rush. Suzy. Need to get over to big Bertha’s, I’m doing her make- up. Martin. That’s the man- woman. Suzy. She’s a wrestler, dopey. Martin. Exactly what I said, so why do we need to paint her face, I mean, plastic surgery couldn’t fix that woman
Suzy. It’s for her clients. Martin. Right, clients, ok I’m missing something here. Does she teach wrestling in her house. Suzy. Got it in one, right see you later, i’ll be doing a few hours in the bar tonight. Martin. Hold it. Suzy. Can’t, see you later.
Martin. Is still seething. Now he has to pass old Mrs Smith in the next flat.. ( You never see mrs Smith, she just shouts through the letterbox every morning when Martin’s going to work. Martin carefully closes the door and tiptoes past Mrs Smith's door
Mrs Smith. Martin, can you get me cigarettes. Martin. Yes Mrs Smith. Nadia. Comes out the same time, and is looking down at Martin’s blue balls.
Martin. Engages Nadia in a very slow and loud voice. How are you finding life in Britain. Nadia. Deciding Martin’s a bit dim, does the same. I’m doing fine. Martin. Ok, and he’s off running for the bus. Suzy. Is heading to the cashline, she bends down to fix her shoe. Just enough time for her bag to be snatched. This is all being monitored on CCTV. The snatcher’s running down a lane with Suzy in pursuit. CCTV operations room.. Gerry. What do you think she’ll do when she catches him.
Tony. That’s a definite leg break. Gerry, Suppose we better phone the boys to save him
When the Police get there, the bag snatcher is hanging upside down attached to a chain, Suzy’s swinging him to and thro, whilst punching him between the legs.
Police. Arrive laughing their heads off. How’s it going Micky, see you’ve met Suzy. Micky. Yeah, I want her arrested for assault and kidnap. Police. And you’ll be wanting the bag snatch charge dropped. Micky. Definitely, we’ll call it quits. Police Okay Micky, it’s a deal, we’ll let Suzy look after you. Micky. What, second thoughts, arrest me. Police. Not worth the paperwork Micky. Micky. I’ll confess to ten other crimes, just keep her away from me. Police. What do you say Suzy. Suzy. Only if I can taser him. Police. Yeah that should be okay. Micky. Is trying to climb up the chain. Police and Suzy. All laugh. Police. What’s on today Suzy.
Suzy. Off to make big Bertha pretty. Police. Nice one. CCTV Tony. Is he dead. Police. No, badly shaken though. Tony. Did she break anything. Police. No, but he won’t be using the crown jewels for a while. Suzy. Gets to Bertha’s. Bertha. As a sideline, is entertaining men in her bedroom, but things are getting stale, so she needs a new approach. Bertha. How's it going Suzy, or should I say, wonder woman. Suzy. Jesus, you can’t do anything in this city. Bertha. I know, why do you think I work indoors. So what do you have in mind for me. Suzy. Well, I’m thinking Mohican with black lines across your face. Bertha. Radical, I like it. Suzy Finishes Bertha just as her first client arrives. Big 6 foot 4 muscle bound hulk. Bertha. Right Suzy, send him in and I’ll surprise him. Suzy. Right big boy, she’s waiting for you. Hulk. Goes in, looks at Bertha in horror, and faints. Bertha. Maybe a bit too radical. Suzy Heading off to Meryl’s, the posh bar. Justin the owner is discussing fashion with Issy ( Isobel ). Justin. Ah, It’s the birthday girl. Martin get you something nice. Suzy. Are you kidding, well actually, he did slip me a length. Suzy. Now away to serve customers. Justin. God, how vulgar, turns to Issy. Tell me again, why do I employ that girl.
Issy. That’s simple, she beats up the trouble makers, and throws out the drunks.
Justin. Looks into his mind's eye, seeing Suzy doing a Bruce Lee on four rowdies, then sighs, right. . Suzy. Is talking to Clive and his boyfriend Dom. Both are members of Fathers for justice and are organising something at the council where Clive’s ex wife works. . Suzy. Any luck with the wife, Clive. Clive. No, she’s still being stubborn. Suzy. Unusual us women being stubborn, tried chocolates. Clive. Funny you should say that, cos tomorrow I’m going to fly up to her office window with a box. Suzy. I’m passing there tomorrow, why don’t I just hand them to her. Clive. Explains how he’s organised TV coverage to highlight his plight. Clive. Might have to stay up there a couple of days. Suzy. Maybe you could put the bar's name on your costume, Cheer Justin up.
Clive. Rather put myself on Justin. Dom. He’s not your type. Clive. Has he got a boyfriend yet. Suzy. Just himself and his ego. Clive. We’ll we’re off, lots to do, look out for us tomorrow. Justin. Talking to Suzy. Martin taking you out tonight. Suzy. No, this is his darts night. Issy. What are men all about. Now my perfect man would Undress me, taking care not to crease my clothes, then he would hang them up, go and shower.
Suzy. How is John. Issy. Dumped the plonker, he stood on my heels at the dancing. 150 pounds, Jimmy Choo. Then he calls me a prima donna Suzy. Men. Suzy. Heads off home. She meets Nadia at the flat, and asks her to pop in for coffee later. Suzy. Enters the flat, where she can hear Martin cursing at the dartboard. She slips out of her skirt and enters the room. Martin glances over as he’s throwing the dart, which hits the wardrobe. Martin. What you doing. Suzy. Just making myself comfortable. Off to darts then, pity, unbuttoning her blouse. Martin. Don’t even think about it, in fact, that’s sexual harassment. Suzy. Sex, Martin. Martin. Don’t want it, cos I’m a man, and I’m going to the pub. Suzy. See you then. Martin. How does it feel now the tables have turned. Suzy. You’ll be the one tossing, your darts that is. Martin. Don’t even go there, and he’s off to the pub.
Ten minutes later, Nadia rings the bell. Suzy. Hi Nadia, coffee or tea. Nadia. Tea would be great, Suzy. Martin. Is nearing the bar, but thoughts of Suzy are racing through his head. Eventually he succumbs, and runs home. Enters the flat, frantically stripping off down to his boxers, leaping into the sitting room. Okay you win. Nadia. Is screaming. Suzy. Runs out of the kitchen to see Martin trying to explain. But Nadia runs out the flat. Suzy. Well dopey, you’ve done some dumb things in your life, but this tops them all. Martin. This is your fault, you provoked me with sex. Suzy. So says, I’m a man. Martin. Exactly, that’s why I came back. Suzy. Well we all saw that. Poor Nadia, pink boxers, she probably thought you were a fairy. Martin. What am I going to do. Suzy. Aw don’t worry, I’ll take you out Saturday and buy you new ones. Martin. Always the wit, will I go in and explain. Suzy. Yeah, tell her it was my birthday treat, the balloons come later. Martin. Yeah, that’s right, I’ll tell her it’s an old British custom. See Suzy, brains or what. Martin’s getting dressed, he heads along to Nadia’s door. Suzy. Waits till he rings the bell before giving him the news. Suzy. Oh Martin. Martin. Has it under control. Suzy. Meant to say, Nadia’s British. Next Morning.
Glazing lorry returning to the council. Terry is in front now- with an air of superiority. Terry. You see, in a job like this, it’s got to be measured right down to the last mm. George. Is giving him the tosser sign. Terry. 1 mm that way, 2 mm the other way, you’re goosed. Basically down to the metric system, George. George Is about to speak, but Bill butts in. Bill. My Mary said when we went metric, I reached the full 6 inches. George. You didn't reach 6 inches stupid, you reached 6. Terry and Joe stare at him. George. Your Mary said that. Bill. Yeah, smiling to himself. Joe. Here we are again. Reached job. Terry. Straight in, clipped and finished. Clive. Is getting himself into position. He’s dressed as superman. Dom. Is operating a mobile crane, just waiting for Clive’s signal. Cameras are rolling. Mr Dunstable. Is heading into the office, he stops to go into the newsagents, which just happens to be beside a television showroom. He spots the company glazing van through the window, and assumes they’re filming down at the council. An old lady joins him. Mr Dunstable. That’s my glazing firm, we’re doing a big job for the Council. Old Lady. That’s nice Assistants in shop. Assistant 1. Tell you what, they 54 inch screens are selling like hot cakes. Look at that man pointing to them. Got me a sale here. Assistant 2 Go get them girl. Just as the assistant gets to the door, the inevitable happens. Clive gives Dom the signal to swing him up to the office ledge, just as Terry, Joe, and George are walking away from the van with the glass. The old lady faints, Mr dunstable is frothing at the mouth. The assistant is now backpedaling into the shop. The end. © 2019 Paul BellReviews
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4 Reviews  Last Updated on June 9, 2019 Author
Paul BellAboutI like poetry and stories that tell me something. Sometimes the shortest poems hit the hardest. If I post something serious, don't worry, a funny poem will follow. Don't hesitate to tell me if my po.. more..Writing
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