Say My Name

Say My Name

A Poem by Psychotic Lily
"

Please say it or I'll live with regrets...

"
I'm scared to walk into that hospital room.
I hate the clinical scent of it stinging my nose.
But nothing could compare the stinging pain in my eyes as I begin to cry
With a quick wipe and a fake smile I open the door.

I see you there lying still on the bed.
Your face though withered but filled with the wisdom you taught me.
My relatives where there telling me to talk to you.
Even though those relatives were very close to me I still feel suffocated.
Suffocated that every time I see them I had burdened myself with the regret I didn't do enough for you
Or that I wasn't good enough...

But I shake off that feeling away
Throwing off it's burdening weight.
My sister calls you and your eyes flutter open.
Your eyes were tired and the irises were milky at the edges

You stared my sister
Then they asked you who she is
You called her name
Next your eyes fell on me
My mother asked you who I am.

You just stared into my eyes.
Your lips closed no voice I heard from you.
Did you forget about me already?
Why won't you say my name?
You know me don't you?
Do you recognize my face?
Right?

Please just say my f*****g name!

Please just say it... it's like the proof that I was good enough
The proof I am granddaughter you could be proud of.

The proof... what proof?

I just stared at you biting back the tears and disappointment
You wouldn't say it... and my guess was right.

You just looked at me and tears started rolling down your cheeks.

Have you truly forgotten about me?
Was I unloved so much that you couldn't say my name?
Did I not do enough that you refused to acknowledge me?
Or was it painful to see me that your tears started to flow?

I love you! I always have... 

These words I couldn't say to you 
I hope you noticed.
I love and care about you so much even though I'm not your number one
I am very proud to have a grandmother like you.
I pray to the Lord that  I would be the one lying at that bed instead of you
I would gladly take your place. 
I'm just a troubled little girl on the verge of clinical depression
Unlike you a woman loved and remembered by many.
They need you more than me
So please stay a little longer... I'm still lost.

Sorry for being selfish...
Sorry for losing hope that you'll get through this
Sorry for staying silent
Sorry I couldn't say the words I had to say
Sorry I wasn't good enough...

Why "not good enough"?
Because I have been selfish and ignorant
And I think that the things I did for her didn't justify the love she gave me.
I am still not able to repay the debt as I run out of time.

But please say my name
Or I will live with regrets as you return to the Lord's embrace.





© 2017 Psychotic Lily



Author's Note

Psychotic Lily
I'm emotionally weak right now... I haven't found the courage to continue my book. Forgive me for this crappy poem...

i don't own the pictures
Send me reading requests so I can thank you!

My Review

Would you like to review this Poem?
Login | Register




Reviews

Powerful and worthwhile poetry. You made me feel the need and the want of the words. The poem felt real and alive. Sometime we need simple words. Thank you for sharing your amazing words and thoughts.
Coyote

Posted 6 Months Ago


Psychotic Lily

6 Months Ago

I think I kept my writing style of the journalist I am and once was. Feature writing makes me show s.. read more
Coyote Poetry

6 Months Ago

You did very well and you are welcome.
wow, this is breathtaking. this is amazing

Posted 6 Months Ago


Psychotic Lily

6 Months Ago

Thank you xoxo. Please feel fre to send me read requests to thank you. I'm always busy so I tend to .. read more
xoxo

6 Months Ago

thank you, I sent you one piece that I am very iffy about if you don't mind reading
Psychotic Lily

6 Months Ago

Sure I'm reading through the read requests right now. There's so much to do everyday T_T
Her tears weren't those of disappointment. If she was as wise as you say, then she knows (knew?) that those who act the least lovable, need love the most and maybe she felt she had failed you. Just a thought...but at age 61 with a 100 years of experience that's how I would feel in her place. It's not that you weren't enough - you may have been too much. Some folks just don't know how to love us weird ones....

Posted 6 Months Ago


Psychotic Lily

6 Months Ago

Thank you Carol. This has really lifted my spirits up. I'm trying to keep my head above the water as.. read more
Wow, this is really good! Touching for sure!

Posted 6 Months Ago


Psychotic Lily

6 Months Ago

Thank you Asha
This is heart touching Lily:)
I love this poem!
Great work:)

Posted 6 Months Ago


Psychotic Lily

6 Months Ago

Thank you Neetha :)
Now, this is truly heartbreaking, yet, something I can truly relate to. The first couple of lines threw my mind into the past, where I watched my sister die in the hospital. These regrets that you have from your grandmother reminds me of how I never got to say "I love you" before she died. These feelings wrenched my soul, and this poem acknowledges the frailty of humans. I'm still living in my past mistakes; it's inescapable... Though, I feel if you want to get through this, then endure this pain. Let it seep in deep, perhaps break you. Anything that is broken can be repaired with time, and maybe you'll be stronger. Because, that is the hidden beauty of pain. We can let it destroy us forever or allow it to refine us. I know you're going through a tough time with depression and I'll be the first to say that I have no personal experience with mental disorders (as in me having them). But, all I can share is hope with you, for I am still in this stage... Your grandmother, if I may say, would want you to remain strong, no matter the struggles. Fight for her. Fight for yourself.

And... I'm rambling again... Anyways, lovely work, as usual!

Posted 6 Months Ago


Psychotic Lily

6 Months Ago

Sapientiam thank you so much for tour advise. I haven't gone for a diagnosis. But I think I might be.. read more
Sapientiam

6 Months Ago

You're welcome! Just trying to lend a hand. ^ ^
even in this time of stress and emotional disarray you are still able to put your words to paper
and they are your words
true to that within you
true to the others in your life

Posted 6 Months Ago


Psychotic Lily

6 Months Ago

Thank you ABG! 😁
[send message][befriend] Subscribe
Vic
I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Thank you for sharing your experiences here, I hope you and your grandma find peace.

Posted 6 Months Ago


Psychotic Lily

6 Months Ago

Thank you Vic... :)
(bear hugs) This wonderful and sad poem reminds me of when my great grandmother died a couple of years ago. I never knew if she got the last poem I sent her. If you need someone to talk to,I'm here for you,dear. :)

Posted 6 Months Ago


Psychotic Lily

6 Months Ago

(hugs back) Thank you Raven for taking the time to read and extending a helping hand. I'm very grate.. read more
Raven Moonchild

6 Months Ago

Ah, writing. The best kind of therapy. And it's free!! lol But, I find that sometimes, talking to a .. read more

Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


Stats

231 Views
9 Reviews
Rating
Added on June 2, 2017
Last Updated on June 2, 2017
Tags: Sadness, Depression, Poetry, Pressure, Feelings, Giving Up, Prose

Author

Psychotic Lily
Psychotic Lily

Philippines



About
Greetings! I am one weird girl with peculiar taste. I enjoy writing and reading especially if it involves fantasy and magic. Currently I write poetry, prose, and articles (I used to be part of the sc.. more..

Writing
Carry Carry

A Poem by Psychotic Lily



Related Writing

People who liked this story also liked..


Mystery Boy Mystery Boy

A Story by Natasha


Carry Carry

A Poem by Psychotic Lily


Last Breath Last Breath

A Poem by Hebe