Imperfect Humans: Chapter 1

A broken heart girl meets a sleeping boy.

Chapter One

 

            “Guys, I really don’t want to go to this party.” Paige Lake said into her phone. On the other end of the line were her two best friends, Cassidy Franklin and Rachel Matthews. She was sitting at her bedroom window wearing her comfortable grey pajamas and some fuzzy white slippers. She wasn’t in the mood for a partying right now. She just wanted to read her book that lying on her lap or watch a couple of movies that she had seen about a hundred times.

            Cassidy asked. “Why not? Everyone will be there and it’s going to be mad fun. Plus you really need to get out more.”

            “Mad fun?” Paige repeated trying not laugh. She had no clue what her friend was talking about.

            Rachel said. “Mad fun, it means very fun. Something you need right now. You have been stuck in that house ever since that unfortunate event.”

            Her friends always referred to her painful break-up with her ex boyfriend an “unfortunate event.” A few days ago the very thought of the event would made her curl up into a ball and cry. In those days Paige didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. She walked around town alone avoiding anyone and everyone.  Now Paige discovered felt nothing about the subject. Paige felt emotionally numb. Whether that was a good or bad thing she didn’t know.  Maybe I had finally moved on, she thought as Paige threw the book onto her bed. Paige had licked her wound and was ready to step back into the real world. She was ready at least she hoped.

            “Okay, I’ll go only if you answer one question. Who is going be there?” Paige just had to ask. Even thought a huge part of her already knew the answer.

            Rachel replied. “Everyone from school, and probably some people from other schools. It’s going to biggest party of the year.”

            “You said same thing about the last party we went to and the one after that.”

            Rachel said. “And was I wrong?”

             Paige knew that Rachel was right. The parties that she went with Rachel in the past were a lot of fun. “No, I guess not, but is Jake going to be there?” That was the real question Paige wanted to ask. She heard both Cassidy and Rachel grunting through the phone. From their reactions Paige guessed what their answer would be.

            Cassidy said. “Why would you even ask that?” She sighed. “Of course he will be there, but no one cares. We are going to have a lot of fun, I promise.”

            “No, I want him to be there.  I want Jake to see me having fun with my friends. So when you guys get here?” Then Paige heard a car honk going off outside. She looked out of her window and saw Cassidy’s white car pulling up to her driveway.  Paige said. “I’ll be down in twenty minutes.” She jumped out seat and head to her closet. Now came the hard part, Paige had to pick an outfit.

             Outside the house, Rachel and Cassidy got out of the car. Thinking that it was going to take awhile, Rachel started walking toward the porch. Cassidy followed her. They took a seat on Lakes’ porch swing and began to wait. They swung lightly while a cool breeze blew by. Rachel loved the fall. It was a good mixture of hot and cold. It felt great to her. She closed her eyes enjoying the moment.

            Then Rachel asked. “Do you really think Paige going to be ready in twenty minutes?”      

            Cassidy shrugged. “I doubt it. Paige isn’t like you. She actually cares about what she wears. She doesn’t just grab anything that she finds on the floor.”

            Rachel looked down at herself. She wearing a simple black rocker t-shirt of her favorite band “The Rocking Nobodies”, a pair of old jeans with holes at her knees and her comfortable white sneakers. She said, “What’s wrong with my clothes? This is my favorite band. They are pretty kick a*s.”

            “Aww, come on you know I love your style, but we are going to a party not a rock concert. I mean look at what I am wearing.” Cassidy was wearing white blouse, a pair of jeans, and some black flat shoes. “You see these are stylish yet comfortable.”

            Rachel sneered. “I could punch you in the face right now.”

            “But you love my face.” Cassidy cried out and then she looked at her watch, “I told you we should have called her earlier. She would have been ready by now.”

            Rachel sighed started playing with her short black hair. She said. “You are being impatient beside the party doesn’t really start until around nine.” Then it hit her.” Hey, wait this is your first party.”  A smile appeared on Rachel’s face.

            “No, it’s not. I have been to plenty of parties.” Cassidy lied looking a nervous. The fair skinned face was slowly turned pink.

            Rachel laughed pointing at Cassidy. “Not since my twelfth birthday party when you threw up on Sarah Kay after eating too much of my birthday cake.”

            Cassidy remembered Rachel’s birthday party at the town center bowling alley. Everyone at their middle school was there including Sarah Kay. It was normal fun night, she rolled some balls down the alley, told a few bad jokes, and drink soda. The problem only started when Cassidy started eating the cake. It was long vanilla cake with white frosting and black lettering. It read “Happy 16^th Birthday, Rachel” Cassidy eat three pieces before she slowly started sick. Before she knew it, Cassidy was about to vomit. She raced to the bathroom, but didn’t make it in time. Sarah Kay was standing in front of her talking to her friends at the time. Cassidy just vomited all over her. Sarah Kay was disgusted and screamed. All throughout middle school, all kids called her Vomit head.

            “And I haven’t been invited to a party since.” Cassidy said sighing. Suddenly they heard the door opened and turned around to see Paige exiting her house. She looked like a movie star with her short blue dress, black leather jacket, and black boots. Cassidy whistled as Paige spun around a little.

            Paige smiled. “I am guessing you both approve. You guys know you could have come inside.” Cassidy and Rachel’s face had shown some disgusted.

            “No thank you. I didn’t want to have to deal with your parents questioning us. Where are you guys going? Who’s going to be there?” Rachel said shaking her head.

            Cassidy continued in deep voice. “Don’t forget there’s a curfew ladies, it’s there for a reason.” Then in her normal voice, “Oh and I don’t think your dad likes Rachel.” She started standing up.

            “Yeah, he thinks I am one of those depressed people and tries to figure me out. I am happy with my life. I just chose to wear these clothes doesn’t mean I cut myself.”

            Paige just smiled nervously. “Okay, I get it. Let’s change the subject here. Like where is this party to be at?”

            “The party is at Sarah Kay’s house.” Rachel replied with a smile turning to Cassidy, “Hey Cassidy, do you think she’ll remember you?”

            Cassidy screamed. “Shut up! Don’t bring it up when we get to her house.” Rachel and Paige couldn’t help, but laugh as they walked off the porch. They entered Cassidy’s car and pulled out of the driveway.

            Sarah and her family lived in the outskirt of town Lakehill. It was between the town and the river. It was a prime location to get away from the prying eyes of townspeople. Lakehill was a small town in the middle of United States. It was nice and quiet town with a small population. A good place to raise a family and that was the problem. It was too peaceful and followed the clichés to all small towns. The girls wished for something new and exciting to happen.

            They drove through the back road of the nearby forest. When they arrived at the house, there were already a lot of people getting out of their cars. They were all heading to the fully lit and very loud huge mansion. Cassidy parked the car near old tree only steps away from the front yard. She started rapidly tapping on her steering wheel. Rachel and Paige turned to her watching their friend staring at the house.

            Paige said. “Cassidy, are you actually nervous?”

             Cassidy jumped a little before turning to her friends. “No, course not.” Cassidy said nervously laughing.

            Rachel said. “It’s your own fault. We tried to get you go to more parties. You know actually enact with people, but you always too busy reading your little books or something.”

            “Stop making me sound like I’m a lonely book geek.” Cassidy said sill staring at the house and the people. What if I make a fool of myself, she wondered. She pushed those thoughts out of his mind. Come I can do this, she told herself.

            Paige said. “You are a book geek, but we love you. Don’t be nervous, it’s like going to school except no teachers and ten times more fun.” 

            Paige got out of the car along with the other girls. She was excited about this party now. Maybe this was exactly what she needed. Paige knew that she had been a zombie for the past two weeks. She walked around her school, but couldn’t think or anything. Paige knew that Rachel, Cassidy, and her parents were worried about her. Her father even tried to make her do stuff, but Paige couldn’t bring herself to do. She wanted to make her dad happy. Paige’s mother understood. She gave Paige her some space, made sure she ate well, and even watched some old movies with her. She took a quiet deep breathe.

            “I can do this.” She repeated silently. Paige hoped that the others didn’t hear her. She turned to them, but they didn’t notice. Good!

            Rachel was only one who wasn’t worried. She didn’t really care about what people thought or say about her. She believed everyone had right of their opinion. They also got the right to express their opinion.  No matter how stupid it was. All she had to do was deal with it. Her only goal at this party was have fun. Rachel smiled as she started to hearing the music. “Let the fun began.”

            There were tons of people all over the Kays’ lawn, talking to each other, drinking, and listening to the music being played inside. They walked through the crowd to the porch. There were more people. Some people she knew and some people didn’t. Right in the middle of it stood the party girl central herself, Sarah Kay. She flipped her perfect long blonde hair as she talked to some cute guy Paige didn’t know.

            Paige approached her and said, “Hello Sarah, this is nice party you got here.” Sarah turned to her and smiled.

            “Why thank you Paige. Love your dress,” Sarah said then looked at Rachel and Cassidy, “I’m not sure about your choice of friends though.”

            Both Rachel and Cassidy said in unison. “Excuse me!”

             Paige would have joined them if she was actually surprised. She had seen how Sarah treated everyone she considered unpopular or beneath her.

            Rachel was about to say something, but Cassidy kicked her behind the leg.  Rachel grunted almost falling to the ground. Then Cassidy gave her a firm silencing look. Rachel simply folded her arms and gave Sarah a death stare. She really wanted to yell at Sarah. She considered her death stare was good enough.

            “Well ladies, there are some drinks in the kitchen you can take, but try not touch anything else. Okay?” Sarah said with a vicious smile. Then she walked with the guy who was holding her hand. As soon as she was out of ear shot.

            All three girls quietly said. “B***h!” Then they laughed as they entered the house. The house was mansion sized, but that was expected for the richest family in town. The girls were amazed by various glamorous things; beautiful and expensive chandelier hanging from the ceiling, high tech applications, and other fancy looking decoration.

            Cassidy asked. “How much do her parent make again?” She looked around amazed by the beauty of the grand hall.

            “Her father makes more money than our whole families combined,” Paige replied. She walked into the living room. It was turned into a dance floor. The couches were pushed against the wall to make more room. The room had become the kids’ personal club. People crowded around as they were watching something. Interested, Paige walked through the crowd to see people were dancing. She guessed they were professions or at least practiced a lot. Paige felt someone tapping her shoulder. She turned around to see Rachel and Cassidy.

            “We are going to go raid the fridge, do you want anything?”

            “No thanks.” Paige said. She watched them walked into the crowd. Then she turned her attention back to the dancers. They were walking off and more people were walking on. The music had changed to something more upbeat. Paige started dancing moving her hips to beat. People all around her started to dance.

            A familiar voice said. “Hello Paige.” She turned to see a boy behind her. Blonde haired, Nathan Beck was grinning with a cup in his hand.

            “Hello Beck.” She said giving him a pleasure smile.

            He said. “You look lovely this evening, Paige.”

            “Thank you, you look nice too.”

            Then someone called out his name. Beck turned and waved at them. Then he returned his attention to her. “Well I have to go, but if I am lucky. You might save the last dance for me.”

            “Maybe, if you’re lucky.” Paige said. He smiled at her. Then Beck turned around to walk away not before taking one last look at her. Beck wasn’t a bad looking boy. Actually he was quite gorgeous with a face of angel and athletic built body, and his British accent. He quickly became eye candy of every girl at Lakehill High School. He didn’t have his eye on anyone else except Paige. He never missed any opportunity to talk her. Nothing too serious just; hello, how are you, or you look beautiful today. Somehow Paige wasn’t too sure about him. There were plenty of girls and some were even prettier than her liked him. She always wondered, why was he so interested her? Paige decided to solve that mystery later. She returned to having fun.

            That quickly stopped when she heard Sarah said. “Jake Barton, I thought you weren’t coming.”

            Paige’s heart literally skipped a beat. She turned around to see him walking into the hall. Jake Barton, the appointed king of Lakehill High School. He was captain of the football and also one of the most gorgeous boys at school. He was also Paige’s ex-boyfriend. She couldn’t take seeing him.  Paige thought she was ready, but looking at him playing with his perfect golden bronze hair and brown eyes. Paige realized she was wrong and need to get out of the room fast. She started looking for friends. Paige was about to move when she heard.

            “I didn’t want to go, but Jen wouldn’t hear of it.” Jen, Paige thought, who the hell is Jen? Then Paige saw her. A person she knew forever, her own cousin Jenny. She walked up to the group and grabbed hold of Jake’s hand.

            “You got to be kidding me, you son of b***h!” Paige said silently. “Out of all the girls, you just had to date my cousin.”

            Now Paige really didn’t want to be there. She started looking for other exit. She found one that led her through the dance floor straight to the kitchen. That was exactly what she needed. She moved across the dance floor as fast as she could. She walked past a couple making out in the corner. It made her a little sick. She walked into the kitchen and Rachel sat in kitchen table drinking with Cassidy.

            Rachel turned to Paige. She had a bottle in her hand. “Hey Cass, look whose here? It’s our good friend Paige.”

            “Hello Paige.” Cassidy said. She was sitting next to Rachel. She took another slip of soda.

            Paige laughed. “How much soda did you guys drink?”

            “I had about six bottles of this…I really don’t know what this is but it’s delicious. I am going to have to go to the bathroom soon. Anyway what’s up with you? You look a mess already. ” Rachel said spinning around in the barstool.

            Paige said. “Thanks for that. I just met Jake’s new girlfriend and guess who it is?”

            “It is your cousin Jenny.” Cassidy answered instantly.

            Paige turned to Cassidy and then to Rachel. Both avoided eye contact with her. “You guys already know. So when you guys going to tell me?”

            Rachel said. “Well you see….” Then she became silent.

            “She means that we didn’t tell you because well you know for the last couple weeks you had been zombie mode and we didn’t want to make you worse.” Cassidy said nervously.

            Paige said “You guys could have warned me at least. Now I am walking around here like an idiot when those two are close together and kissing.” She got chills down her back from the thought of their lips touching. “Okay now I think I am going to be sick. I need to get some fresh air.”

            Paige walked out the back door and entered the dark night. She was the only one out there. It was good. She need some time alone. A light gentle breeze blew her wavy strawberry blonde hair. Paige walked out to the shore. She could still hear the music coming from the house. It was slowly beginning to fade away.  Goode, Paige thought I need some quiet to think. I had lot to think about. She still couldn’t believe her cousin was dating her ex. Worse of all only a couple of weeks after they had broken up.

            Paige and Jenny were never that close. Every time they were in the same room together, they would fight over anything and everything. Toys, events, and even school, it was liked they were bitter rivals. Even so Paige would never do this to her. She started laughing a little as she thought more about her cousin. Some of people they looked like, but Paige never could see that. They did have the same strawberry blonde hair and pale skin. Their eyes were only few things that were different. Paige’s eyes were grey while Jenny’s was light brown.

            “I can’t believe this is happening,” She said to herself, “How could he do this? How could she do this? How could I be so dumb enough get me into this situation?”

            Paige walked along the shore. She hoped that hearing the sound of waves crashing against the rocks would calm her down. She was still angry at her friends. They should have told her, but who she really mad at was Jake. Paige just wanted to rip his head off that perfect body of his. If she did that, a mob of angry fan girls would want her head.  She laughed at the irony. She smiled at the thought about town being overrun by crazy girls.

            I should have stayed home, she thought sitting in a big rock. She wondered what to do now. Paige could only think of two options. One, she could go home and do something else mostly just brood. Two, Paige could deal with this and continued to have fun. She thought about going home at first, but realized something. She had every right to be at this party. Paige wasn’t going to run away anymore. She was going to go back to that house and have fun. No one was going to stop her especially those two.

            With newfound courage, Paige jumped off the rock to her feet, dusted herself, and started marching back to the house. Then her foot hit something soft on the sand. She looked down and saw her foot quickly being engulfed by the sand. She tried to pull it out, but it felt stuck on something. She quickly pulled out her phone from her pocket. Before Paige could even push a button, she found herself being swallowed up. Then sand already had her legs and was moving up to her chest. She quickly started dialing Rachel’s number as the sand was up to her neck.

            “Not like this. I don’t want to die.” She said before her head engulfed by the sand. Paige pummeled through the sand onto a solid ground. She felt sharp pain in her back. Small grains of sand sprinkled onto her face. She rolled out of the way. “Ouch! Well at least I am not dead.”

            Paige got up and saw her black phone hitting the ground next to her. It was slowly being buried under a growing pile of sand. Paige ran to pile and began searching for it. She shifted through the almost endless sand. Until she found something hard, she lifted the phone up, and dusted off it with her hands. She was so happy to see her phone. Paige quickly called the two people she knew would pick up.

            Rachel said “Where are you? We thought you will be back by now.”

            “I fell through a hole in the ground.” Paige admitted looking around. It looked like she had fallen into an underground.

            She repeated “Through a hole?”

            “Yeah, and I need you two to come get me out.”
            Rachel asked “Why don’t you call the police?”

            “Yes, let me call and tell the police I am struck in a cave right next to a party full of minors drinking alcohol illegally.”

            She said “Hey me and Cass are not drinking.” After a short pause Paige heard a sigh,” Fine, where are you?”

            “Find a sinking sand hole, that’s where I am.” Then Paige hung up the phone. She looked around hoping to find something to tell where the hell she was. Then Paige found something shining. It was a tiny green light shining through the darkness. Curious, Paige started walking toward it using her phone to light up the way. She found what look like a wreck truck. Paige looked inside and found something amazing. She found a boy, a boy inside of a pod.

Reviews

[TOF_Matt]

First thing's first, and many others have mentioned it but I've got to say it. You absolutely have to spelling/grammar check your work. The odd error is okay from time to time, but your work is always littered with them. If you really do want to get this published (and judging from the previous book descriptions you probably do), you have got to clean that stuff up or else they're just going to think you're a joke. I'm not trying to be mean, but that is the truth of the business. It also makes things a hell of a lot easier for us reviewers not having to double-read every other sentence.

In terms of the actual writing in the chapter, there's really not a lot I can say that I haven't already said about your other chapters. The ideas are very promising and you seem to have a clear idea of what you want to portray and where you want to go with it. I think that is your biggest strength. That being said, it's at least twice as long as it needs to be (you don't need every excruciating detail of the party). The conversations, especially, feel unnatural, like forced small-talk. Real conversation has tangents, pauses, body-language - it should never be character A talks, then character B talks, then character A talks again, and so forth. Also the writing structure itself is very repetitive. Everything is she did this, she did that, she said this, she said that. It reads like a sequence of events, not a living breathing story. This is further marred by the stereotypical characters. I think it would help you a lot to read other, professional books, and think about the characters and presentation in them.

[Just Me]

Spelling/Grammar check is important! You need to re-read your chapters over and over again so you can pick out all the errors. I found several spots were you forgot to add a word or you messed up the order. Other than that it was a good chapter and I can't wait to read more.

[Taylor H.]

I think you need to work on your dialogue. and try not to tell us so much (show, don't tell) the beginning was pretty shaking with telling.

again, you missed a few words like: Her friends always to her painful break-up with her ex boyfriend an “unfortunate event” should be "Her friends always called her painful break-up with her ex boyfriend an “unfortunate event”

Now all Paige needed to do was find something to wear. She jumped out seat and head to her closet. Now came the hard part, Paige had to pick an outfit. ---thats the same thing

any time you switch points of views, start a new paragraph

when Paige was leaving and headed to the kitchen I thought she was going to leave the party but instead she instantly started joking with her friends? I thought this was a bit strange.


“Not like this,” She said before her head engulfed by the sand. Paige pummeled through the sand onto a solid ground. She felt sharp pain in her back. “Ouch! Well at least I am not dead.”
Paige got up and moved away as sand was falling from the sky. Then she saw her black phone hitting the ground. Paige ran to pile and began searching for it. She shifted through the almost endless sand. Until she found something hard, she lifted it up, and dusted off it. She was so happy to see her phone. Paige quickly called the two people she knew would pick up.
Rachel said “Where are you? We thought you will be back by now.”
“I fell through a hole.” Paige admitted looking around.
She repeated “Through a hole?”
“Yeah, and I need you two to get me out.”
Rachel asked “Why don’t you call the police?”
“Yes let me tell the police I am struck in a hole, right next to a party full with minors drinking alcohol.”
--------------------------------------------this part confused me

good so far. Promise

[TKBickel]

Oh the drama of the teenage life. I like the concept you have going.
I think you could form the part of her sinking through the hole better. She’s on top then-boom-she’s at the bottom.

Here are some spots to look over. Let me know if you have any question.
‘Her friends always (referred) to her painful break-up with her ex boyfriend an “unfortunate event” (.)’
‘“Okay, I (‘ll) go only if you answer one question.’
‘Paige knew by their reactions what the answer was going to (be.)’
‘Rachel sneered, “I could punch you in the face right now.”’ You haven’t been using commas before the first quotation with in a sentence. Do you want them after sneered or a period?
‘She would have been ready by now.(”)’
‘Before she knew it, Cassidy was about (to) vomit.’
‘“And I haven’t been invite to a party since,” Suddenly they heard the door opening (ed) and turned around to see Paige exiting her house.’ Either put a period after since or lower case the s on Suddenly. I see more of this through out the story so I won’t go pointing all of them out. I think you can find what I’m talking about.
‘Oh, and I don’t think your dad like (s) Rachel.”’
‘They also go the right to express their opinion.’ How about have instead of go?
‘The room had become the kids ‘personal club. (’)’

[Jake Donald Stephens]

When I got home from work this was the first book I came back to read more of. So that tells me I'm enjoying it.
The biggest problem I noticed is that there are words missing here and there, in both narrative and dialogue, making the reader figure out what the missing words are.
Example: "Her friends always to her painful break-up with her ex-boyfriend an unfortunate event." Refer to her painful break-up? As an unfortunate event? There are many other instances of this sort of thing too.
But a great cliffhanger ending to the chapter. I'm very curious what will happen next.

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[Daydreamer54]

So how did she get out of the sand hole? since she was stuck before...
I want him to see me have with my friends.-I want him to see me have fun with my friends. (That was just one of the mistakes i found.) other than that, i love the cliffhanger1 at fist i thought the british boy was the one who cam e from the pod,but i see I was wrong.
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[Knoxxeh]

Though there are mistakes in grammer like many people have said I still get the story and what you doing her Paige is a girl that got dumped by her boyfriend and wants to finally get over it by doing something rather than just be a zombie and I like the ending because you wanna know who the boy is you wanna know what will happen so its perfect to make the reader read on great job :)
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[Jack Isaac]

Nice dialogue writing. A lot of dialogue in here is used to build your characters; Paige and Cassidy come across very well to me, but I still don't picture Rachael (almost like she isn't real, or as if we should already know her). How many pages is this chapter? Are you sure you want that much dialogue in the first chapter? Try presenting your characters in narration. Also, try reading this chapter to a friend, then you will notice all the things you want to make better. To me, this is good reading --or, would be better for those with a lot of time for reading.

[melissa]

So far I love the book and can't get enough of it I can't wait to see what happends next

[Shep]

I was woundering if this is the story tell I reached the end. Nice job by the way. Errors I found were very few.

[Some Random Person.]

So many spelling mistakes still. A great first chapter, nonetheless.

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