Imperfect Humans: Chapter 1

A broken heart girl meets a sleeping boy.

Chapter One

 

            “Guys, I really don’t want to go to this party.” Seventeen years old Paige Gale said into her phone. On the other end were her two best friends, Cassidy Franklin and Rachel Matthews. She was sitting near her bedroom window wearing her pajamas and fuzzy white slippers. She was in no mood for a party right now. She kind  just of wanted to start a book that laying on her lap.

            Cassidy said “Why not? Everyone is going to be there and it’s going to be mad fun.”

            “Mad fun?”She repeated trying not laugh.

            Rachel said “Mad fun, you know very fun. Something you need right now. You have been stuck that house ever since that unfortunate event.” The fortunate event that was what her friends called her painful break-up. A couple of days ago the very thought would made her curl up into a ball and cry. She didn’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone. Now she felt nothing about the subject. Maybe it was time to move on, she thought as she pushed the book off. She had licked her wound and ready to step back into the real world.

            “Okay, who is going be there?” she had to ask.

            Rachel replied “Everyone from school, and probably some people from other schools. It’s going to greatest party of the year.”

            “You said same thing about the last party we went to.”

            She said “And was I wrong?”

            “No, I guessed not, but is Jake going to be there?” She heard both Cassidy and Rachel grunting through the phone.

            Cassidy said “Why would you even ask that?” She sighed. “Yes he will be there, but no one cares.”

            “No, I want him to be there. When you guys get here?” Then she heard a car honk going off. She looked down to see Cassidy’s white car pulling up to her driveway. “I’ll be down in twenty minutes.”

            Now all she needed to do was find something to wear. Outside the house, Rachel and Cassidy got out of the car and walked onto the porch. They took a seat on the porch swing and began to wait. Swinging lightly while a cool breeze blew by.

            “Do you really think she will be done in twenty minutes?” Rachel asked playing with her long black hair.

            Cassidy shrugged “I doubt it. Paige isn’t like you. You just throw on any clean clothes you can find.”

            Rachel looked down at her clothes. She wearing a simple black rocker t-shirt of her favorite band “The Rocking Nobodies”, a pair of old jeans, and her comfortable white sneakers. “What’s wrong with my clothes?”

            “Awwww come one you know I love your style, but we are going to a party not a rock concert. Look at what I am wearing.” Cassidy was wearing white blouse, a pair of jeans, and some flat shoes. “You see stylish yet comfortable.”

            Rachel sneered “I could punch you in the face right now.”

            “But you love my face.” Cassidy cried out and then she looked at her watch. “I told you we should have call her earlier.” Rachel sighed taking a look at her watch.

            She said “You are being impatient beside the party doesn’t really start until around nine. Hey, wait this is your first party you have ever been to.”  

            “No, it’s not. I have been to plenty of parties.”

            She laughed “Not since my twelfth birthday party when you threw up on Sarah Kay.”

            “And haven’t been invite to a party since,” Suddenly they heard the door opening and turned around to see Paige exiting her house. She looked like a movie star with her short blue dress, black leather jacket, and black boots. Cassidy whistled as she spun a little.

            Paige smiled “I am guessing you both approve. You guys know you could have come inside.”

            “Yeah, I had to deal with your parents questioning us. Where are you guys going? Who’s going to be there?” Rachel said

            Cassidy continued “Don’t forget curfew ladies, it’s there for a reason. Oh, and I don’t think your dad like Rachel.”

            “Yeah, he thinks I am one of those depressed people and tries to figure me out. I am happy with my life.”

            Paige just smiled nervously “Okay, changing the subject here. Where is this party at?”

            “The party is at Sarah Kay’s house,” Rachel replied with a smile, “Hey Cassidy, do you think she’ll remember you?”

            Cassidy screamed “Shut up! Don’t bring it up when we get to her house.” Rachel and Paige couldn’t help, but laugh as they walked off the porch. They entered Cassidy’s car and pulled out of the driveway.

            Sarah and her family lived in the outskirt of town Lakehill. It was between the town and the river. It was a prime location to get away from the prying eyes of townspeople. Lakehill was a small town in the middle of United States. It was nice and quiet. A good place to raise a family and that was a problem. It was too peaceful and followed the cliché to all other small towns. The girls wished for something new and exciting to happen. When they arrived at the house, there were people already getting out of their cars. Cassidy started rapidly tapping on her steering wheel. Rachel and Paige turned to her.

            Paige said “Are you actually nervous?”

            “No, course not.” She said nervously laughing.

            Rachel said “It’s your own fault. We tried to get you go to more parties and things. You know actually enact with people, but you always too busy reading your little books or something.”

            “Stop making it sound like I’m a lonely book geek.”

            Paige said “You are, but we love you. Don’t be nervous, it’s like going to school expect no teachers and ten times more fun.” 

            She got out of the car along with the other girls. She was excited about this now. She knew that she was a zombie for the past two weeks. She walked around school, but couldn’t think or anything. She knew that Rachel, Cassidy, and her parents were worried. Her father even tried to make her do stuff, but her mother understood. She gave Paige her space, made sure she ate well, and even watched some old movie with her. She took a quiet deep breathe.

            “I can do this.” She repeated silently.

            There were kids all over the Kays’ lawn, talking to each other, drinking, and listening to some music. They walked through the crowd to the porch. There were a lot of people who she recognized around her. Right in the middle of it stood the party central herself, Sarah Kay. She flipped her perfect long blonde hair as she talked to some cute guy.

            Paige said “Why Sarah, nice party.” Sarah turned to them and smiled.

            “Why thank you. Love your dress,” she said then looked at Rachel and Cassidy, “I’m not sure about your choice of friends.”

            Both Rachel and Cassidy said ‘Excuse me!”

             Paige would have joined in if she was surprised. She had seen how Sarah treated anyone she considered unpopular or beneath her. Rachel was about to say, but Cassidy kicked her behind the leg. Then she gave Rachel a firm silencing look. Rachel simply folded her arms and gave Sarah a death stare.

            “Well ladies, there are some drinks in the kitchen, but don’t touch anything else.” She said with a vicious smile. Then she walked with the guy holding her hand. As soon as she was out of ear shot.

            All three quietly said “B***h.” Then they laughed as they entered the house. The house was huge, but that was to be expected for the richest family in town. The girls were amazed by various glamorous things; chandelier hanging from the ceiling, high tech applications, fancy looking decoration.

            Cassidy said “How much do her parent make?”

            “More than our whole family combined.” Paige replied. She walked into the living room. It was turned into a dance floor. The couches were pushed against the wall to make more room. People crowd around as they were watching something. Interested, Paige walked through the crowd to see people dancing. It seemed like they were professions or at least practice a lot. She felt someone tapping her shoulder. She turned around to see Rachel and Cassidy.

            “We are going to go raid the fridge, do you want anything?”

            “No thanks.” She said watching as they disappeared back into the crowd. Then she turned her attention back to the dancers. They were walking off and more people were walking on. The music had changed to something more upbeat. Paige started dancing moving her hips to beat. People started dancing around her.

            A familiar voice said “Hello Paige.” She turned to see a boy behind her. Blonde haired, Nathan Beck was grinning with a cup in his hand.

            “Hello Beck.” She said giving him a pleasure smile.

            He said “You look lovely this evening”

            “Thank you, you look nice too.”

            Someone called out his name. He turned and waved at them. Then he returned his attention to her. “Well I have to go, but if I am lucky. You might save the last dance for me.”

            “Maybe, if you’re lucky.” She said. He smiled at her as he walked away not before taking one last look at her. Beck wasn’t a bad looking boy. Actually he was quite gorgeous with a face of angel and body of athletic, and with his British accent. He quickly became eye candy of every girl at Lakehill High School. He didn’t have his eye on anyone else expect her. He never missed on opportunity to talk her. Nothing too serious just; hello, how are you, or you look beautiful today. Somehow she wasn’t too sure about him. There were plenty of girls and some were even prettier than her. So why her, She thought, why was he so into her?

            Until she heard Sarah said “Jake Barton, I thought you weren’t coming.”

            Paige’s heart literally stopped beating. She turned around to see him walking into the hall. Jake Barton, the appointed king of Lakehill High School. He was captain of the football and also one of the most gorgeous boys at school. He was also Paige’s ex-boyfriend. She couldn’t take it. She thought she was ready, but looking at him right then playing with his perfect golden bronze hair. She could tell she was wrong she need to get out of here. She needed to get to her friends. She was about to move when she heard.

            “I didn’t want to go, but Jen wouldn’t hear it.” Jen, Paige thought, who the hell is Jen? Then she saw her. A person she knew forever, her own cousin Jenny. She walked into the picture and grabbed hold of Jake’s hand.

            “You got to be kidding me, you son of b***h!” she said silently.

            Now she really didn’t want to be there. She started looking for other exit. She found one that led her straight into the kitchen. That was exactly what she needed. She moved across the dance floor as fast as she could. She walked past a couple making out in the corner. It made her a little sick. She walked into the kitchen and Rachel sat in kitchen table drinking with Cassidy.

            She said “Hey Cass, look whose here? It’s our good friend Paige.”

            “Hello Paige.” Cassidy said.

            Paige laughed “How much soda did you guys drink?”

            “The sixth bottle of…I really don’t know what this is but it’s delicious. I am going to have to go to the bathroom soon. Anyway what’s up?” Rachel said spinning around in the barstool.

            Paige said “I just met Jake’s new girlfriend and guess who it is?”

            “Your cousin Jenny .” Cassidy answered instantly.

            Paige turned to Cassidy and then to Rachel. Both avoid eye contact. “You guys already know. So when you guys going to tell me?”

            Rachel said “Well you see….” Then she became silent.

            “She means that we didn’t tell you because well for the last couple weeks you were in zombie mode and we didn’t want to make you worse.” Cassidy said.

            Paige said “You guys could have warned me at least. Now I am walking around here like an idiot when those two are close together. Okay now I think I am going to be sick. I need to get some fresh air.”

            She walked out the back door and entered the dark night. She was the only one out there. A light gentle breeze blew her wavy strawberry blonde hair. She walked out to the shore. She could still hear the music coming from the house. She need some quiet so she could think. She had lot to think about. She still couldn’t believe her cousin was dating her ex. Worse of all only after a couple of weeks.

            She and Jenny were never that close. Every time they were in the same room together, they would fight over anything and everything. Toys, events, and even school, it was liked they were rivals. Paige would never do this to her. She started laughing a little as she thought more about her cousin. Some of people they looked like, but Paige never could see that. They did have the same strawberry blonde hair and pale skin. Other than that they couldn’t be more different.

            She walked along the shore. She hoped that hearing the sound of waves crashing against the rocks would calm her down. She was still angry at her friends. They should have told her, but she was really mad at was Jake. She just wanted to rip his head off his perfect body of his. If she did that, a mob of angry fan girls want her blood. She smiled at the thought about town being overrun by them. How could she be so stupid?

            She should have stayed home, she thought as she sat in a big rock. She wondered what she should do now. She could only think of two options. One, she could go home and do something else mostly just brood. Two, she deal with this and continued to have fun. She thought about going home at first, but realized something. She had every right to be at this party. She wasn’t going anywhere. She was going to go back to party and have fun. Nothing, those two could do to stop her.

            With newfound courage, she jumped to her feet, dusted herself, and started marching back to the house. Then her foot hit something soft on the sand. She looked down and saw her foot quickly being engulfed by the sand. She tried to pull it out, but it felt stuck on somethng. She quickly pulled out her phone from her pocket. Before she could even push a button, she found herself quickly sinking as her other foot.

            “Not like this,” she said before her head engulfed by the sand. She pummeled to the ground. She felt sharp pain in her back. “Ouch! Well at least I am not dead.”

            She got up and moved away as sand was falling from the sky. Then she saw her black phone hitting the ground. She ran to pile and began searching for it. She shifted through the almost endless sand. Until she found something hard, she lifted it up, and dusted off it. She was so happy to see her phone. She quickly called the two people she knew would pick up.

            Rachel said “Where are you? We thought you will be back by now.”

            “I fell through a hole.”

            She repeated “Through a hole?”

            “Yeah, and I need you two to get me out.”
            She asked “Why don’t you call the police?”

            “Yes let me tell I am struck in a hole, right next to a party full with minors drinking alcohol.”

            She said “Fine, where are you?”

            “Find the sinking sand hole, that’s where I will be.” Then she hung up the phone. She looked around expecting to find nothing, but darkness. Instead she found a green light coming from on nearby. Curious, she started walking toward it using her phone to light up the way. She found what look like a truck. She looked inside and found something amazing. She found a boy, a boy inside of a pod.

Reviews

[TOF_Matt]

First thing's first, and many others have mentioned it but I've got to say it. You absolutely have to spelling/grammar check your work. The odd error is okay from time to time, but your work is always littered with them. If you really do want to get this published (and judging from the previous book descriptions you probably do), you have got to clean that stuff up or else they're just going to think you're a joke. I'm not trying to be mean, but that is the truth of the business. It also makes things a hell of a lot easier for us reviewers not having to double-read every other sentence.

In terms of the actual writing in the chapter, there's really not a lot I can say that I haven't already said about your other chapters. The ideas are very promising and you seem to have a clear idea of what you want to portray and where you want to go with it. I think that is your biggest strength. That being said, it's at least twice as long as it needs to be (you don't need every excruciating detail of the party). The conversations, especially, feel unnatural, like forced small-talk. Real conversation has tangents, pauses, body-language - it should never be character A talks, then character B talks, then character A talks again, and so forth. Also the writing structure itself is very repetitive. Everything is she did this, she did that, she said this, she said that. It reads like a sequence of events, not a living breathing story. This is further marred by the stereotypical characters. I think it would help you a lot to read other, professional books, and think about the characters and presentation in them.

[Just Me]

Spelling/Grammar check is important! You need to re-read your chapters over and over again so you can pick out all the errors. I found several spots were you forgot to add a word or you messed up the order. Other than that it was a good chapter and I can't wait to read more.

[Taylor H.]

I think you need to work on your dialogue. and try not to tell us so much (show, don't tell) the beginning was pretty shaking with telling.

again, you missed a few words like: Her friends always to her painful break-up with her ex boyfriend an “unfortunate event” should be "Her friends always called her painful break-up with her ex boyfriend an “unfortunate event”

Now all Paige needed to do was find something to wear. She jumped out seat and head to her closet. Now came the hard part, Paige had to pick an outfit. ---thats the same thing

any time you switch points of views, start a new paragraph

when Paige was leaving and headed to the kitchen I thought she was going to leave the party but instead she instantly started joking with her friends? I thought this was a bit strange.


“Not like this,” She said before her head engulfed by the sand. Paige pummeled through the sand onto a solid ground. She felt sharp pain in her back. “Ouch! Well at least I am not dead.”
Paige got up and moved away as sand was falling from the sky. Then she saw her black phone hitting the ground. Paige ran to pile and began searching for it. She shifted through the almost endless sand. Until she found something hard, she lifted it up, and dusted off it. She was so happy to see her phone. Paige quickly called the two people she knew would pick up.
Rachel said “Where are you? We thought you will be back by now.”
“I fell through a hole.” Paige admitted looking around.
She repeated “Through a hole?”
“Yeah, and I need you two to get me out.”
Rachel asked “Why don’t you call the police?”
“Yes let me tell the police I am struck in a hole, right next to a party full with minors drinking alcohol.”
--------------------------------------------this part confused me

good so far. Promise

[TKBickel]

Oh the drama of the teenage life. I like the concept you have going.
I think you could form the part of her sinking through the hole better. She’s on top then-boom-she’s at the bottom.

Here are some spots to look over. Let me know if you have any question.
‘Her friends always (referred) to her painful break-up with her ex boyfriend an “unfortunate event” (.)’
‘“Okay, I (‘ll) go only if you answer one question.’
‘Paige knew by their reactions what the answer was going to (be.)’
‘Rachel sneered, “I could punch you in the face right now.”’ You haven’t been using commas before the first quotation with in a sentence. Do you want them after sneered or a period?
‘She would have been ready by now.(”)’
‘Before she knew it, Cassidy was about (to) vomit.’
‘“And I haven’t been invite to a party since,” Suddenly they heard the door opening (ed) and turned around to see Paige exiting her house.’ Either put a period after since or lower case the s on Suddenly. I see more of this through out the story so I won’t go pointing all of them out. I think you can find what I’m talking about.
‘Oh, and I don’t think your dad like (s) Rachel.”’
‘They also go the right to express their opinion.’ How about have instead of go?
‘The room had become the kids ‘personal club. (’)’

[Jake Donald Stephens]

When I got home from work this was the first book I came back to read more of. So that tells me I'm enjoying it.
The biggest problem I noticed is that there are words missing here and there, in both narrative and dialogue, making the reader figure out what the missing words are.
Example: "Her friends always to her painful break-up with her ex-boyfriend an unfortunate event." Refer to her painful break-up? As an unfortunate event? There are many other instances of this sort of thing too.
But a great cliffhanger ending to the chapter. I'm very curious what will happen next.

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[Daydreamer54]

So how did she get out of the sand hole? since she was stuck before...
I want him to see me have with my friends.-I want him to see me have fun with my friends. (That was just one of the mistakes i found.) other than that, i love the cliffhanger1 at fist i thought the british boy was the one who cam e from the pod,but i see I was wrong.
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[Knoxxeh]

Though there are mistakes in grammer like many people have said I still get the story and what you doing her Paige is a girl that got dumped by her boyfriend and wants to finally get over it by doing something rather than just be a zombie and I like the ending because you wanna know who the boy is you wanna know what will happen so its perfect to make the reader read on great job :)
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[Jack Isaac]

Nice dialogue writing. A lot of dialogue in here is used to build your characters; Paige and Cassidy come across very well to me, but I still don't picture Rachael (almost like she isn't real, or as if we should already know her). How many pages is this chapter? Are you sure you want that much dialogue in the first chapter? Try presenting your characters in narration. Also, try reading this chapter to a friend, then you will notice all the things you want to make better. To me, this is good reading --or, would be better for those with a lot of time for reading.

[melissa]

So far I love the book and can't get enough of it I can't wait to see what happends next

[Shep]

I was woundering if this is the story tell I reached the end. Nice job by the way. Errors I found were very few.

[Some Random Person.]

So many spelling mistakes still. A great first chapter, nonetheless.

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