Imperfect Weapons: Prologue

Here is the complete rewrite of Imperfect Weapon Prologue. Hope you enjoy.

Prologue

 

            With his head pounding a boy rose from a bed. It wasn’t his bed. That was the first thing he realized. The second thing he noticed was he wasn’t in his bedroom. It was too small. The boy tried to remember what happened. He could recall being at a club and drinking.  That was his usual. So there was nothing weird about that. Then he remembered a girl and a boy, but he could quite describe them. Suddenly he heard grunting alongside him. He turned to see a lovely looking and naked young woman. She was fit like an athlete, fair milky skin, rosy cheeks, and big pointy nose. She had long wavy golden brown hair. This wasn’t not his usual. Kaito Katsu didn’t get drunk and go home with some random girl. He liked to be sober when he flirted with girls.

            Then Kaito rolled over to the other side of the bed. Only to find that way was blocked by some dude. The sleeping guy was beautiful like the girl with high cheekbone and a strong jaw. He looked like an angel. The sleeping angel had short spiky dark brown hair and brown chocolate eyes. This was definitely not his usual. He never slept with a girl and a boy at the same time. He would felt like he achieved something if he didn’t felt so dirty.

            Kaito shook his head. He had to get it together. It was time for him to leave. He gently crawled to the foot of the bed. The boy set out of the bed and looked at the couple. They were still sleeping peaceful. At his feet, Kaito could feel various clothing on the floor. Kaito looked down and started picked up his clothes. He put on his clothes as he made his way out of the bedroom. He walked through dim lit living room. He reached the door and opened it. Then it quickly slammed shut. He turned around to see the girl standing behind him. She had a smile on her face, but her blue eyes were so intense.

            “Hey you, how was your sleep?” Kaito said trying to hide his fear.

            The girl said sweetly, “Good and yours?”

            “Good.”

            She smiled, “Good, because I want you to be well rested.”

            “For what?”

            “For round two silly.” she said with her intense blue eyes looking at Kaito. From behind her back, she had a longsword in her hand. She swung it at him. Kaito ducked down and rolled out the way. He turned around to see the door fallen to two pieces. The girl spun around like a ballerina and charged at him. She swung her sword with such a precise. That he was sure she had been highly trained. Kaito kept ducking and dodging. He kept moving away from the blade. He leaped over the couch. He kicked it at her

            ‘Now that’s what I am talking about.” She said simply slicing through the couch.

            Kaito watched as she charged at him. “Holy s**t!"

            “I thought you didn’t have any fight in you.” the girl said bring her sword down upon him. Kaito dodged the blade and tried to move in for a punch. The sword kept her out of his reach. He had to get that sword out of her hand. It was hard. She was moving so fast and she coming with her attacks. All Kaito could do was dodge. Until, she kicked him in the chest and thrust her sword. There was a moment of silent. They looked at each other another and looked down. The sword was inserted into Kaito’s stomach. She twisted it and pulled it out. Only there was no blood on the blade. “What the hell?”

            Kaito punched the girl in the face in the face knocking her out. “Sorry about that?”

            He turned around to front door only to find the sleeping angel had wake up. He was now blocking, “No you’re not sorry, but you will be.” Before Kaito could act, the guy hit him with some blight. Darkness took him.

Reviews

[TKBickel]

Your story grabbed my attention and interest.

Here are a few quick fixes. Please let me know if I’m not clear on them.
‘He liked to (be) sober when he flirt(ed) with girls.’
‘It (was) time for him to live (leave).’
‘At his feet, the boy (Kaito) could feel various clothing on the floor.’ You have established the boy is Kaito. It can get confusing when you go back and forth with boy and Kaito. It kind of leaves an impression of two people.
‘He turned around to (the) front door (only) to find (the) sleeping angel had (awaken).’
‘Before Kaito could act, the guy hit him with some bight (light).’

One more little thing, you have described the eyes yet they were asleep. Can bring in the description when the first come face to face or further into the story? Just a thought.

Great start.

[Talismanic]

'a girl and a boy, but he could (not) quite describe them.'
'This wasn't not his usual' - 'This was not his usual.'
'beautiful like the girl, with high cheekbones'
consistency issue, 'brown chocolate eyes' (is he sleeping with his eyes open?)
'He would (have) felt like he('d) achieved something'
'They were still sleeping peaceful(ly).'
'Kaito looked down and started pick(ing) up his clothes.'
'He walked through (the) dim(ly) lit living room.'
'She had a smile on her face, but her blue eyes were intense.'
“For round two silly,” she said. From behind her back, she pulled...'
'She swung her sword with such a precise (movement)' ?
“I thought you didn’t have any fight in you,” the girl said, bring(ing) her sword down upon him.'
'She was moving so fast and she (kept) coming with her attacks.'
'They looked at each other(,) and looked down.'
'He turned around to (the) front door only to find the sleeping angel had (woken) up. He was now blocking(.) “No, you’re not sorry, but you will be.”
Before Kaito could (re)act, the guy hit him.'

This is an amazing intro. Scary stuff:)

[.quan.011.]

Thanks for review.

[Talismanic]

Thankyou for the read... I hope it was useful:)

[mariah]

hey great job! you had my attention from the beginning and didnt let it go till you were done. thats rare you know? i can tell that your an experienced writer, well either that or you just have natural talent. anyways keep up the good work!!! :D

[Layla J Omorose]

I have to agree with Shep2 there are still grammar and spelling and tense issues that I have seen from your previous writing. Another look through or read through of your story will help clear up a lot of these issues. That's not to say that the prologue didn't seem interesting because it was. However if you are serious about trying to get this published then these grammatical errors need to be fixed. I hope you do not feel as if I am trying to put you down or anything like that because that is not my intent. Just from on writer to another these types of writing errors confuse the reader and take away from the story itself since the errors force the reader to do the spell check and fix the sentences.

[Shep]

Very griping. Love the action. Nicely played. But there lots of things that need work. Wrong word usage a big one. Reading through it would really help you. After you done so I would be glad to repoint out the problems. TK pointed out the. Same errors and I am sure that's not all of them. Please go back through and we would be glad to help.

[.ana.008.]

that was interestnig. im intruged to see how it relates to imperfect humans. this was really cool though, the blade certinly interests me and the names are cool :)
.novelists.elite.info.
.display. .ana.008.
.memberID. 008
.name. Arianna
.username. nerdypenguin2427
.novels. Right Side Up, The Bigger Sister, Fear
.status. Novelist, Role Model
.join date. 04-03-2011

[Daydreamer54]

Holy crap! This was freaky! But it has me hooked to find out what this is about!
bight-bite

[Astridd]

wow !! :3 keep up the good work!