What I wanted///What I got

A low time for my emotions and trying to figure out what means anything anymore.

What I Wanted

What I wanted….

What I wanted was a life where I could look back and smile when I am sixty-five and think “Damn, that was fun.”

What I wanted was a life where love existed and I could roll over in the middle of the night and embrace the one who held me close and tight above all others… even themselves.

What I wanted was a life where people I loved showed concern about me without me having to reach out to them first or without them needing something from me in return.

But what I got…..

But what I got was a life where at 22 I look back and think “What have I done.” Where I sit and contemplate the life I lead and where it’s going and where I close my eyes and dream of a place far away from myself so I can’t be alone anymore even when surrounded by people.

But what I got was a group of people who call themselves my friends but could go forever without even letting me know that they are alive those same people who called themselves my friends leaving me hanging when I needed them most all because the situation isn’t ideal ,but then I say f**k it who needs anyone anyways right?

But what I got was life where I no longer believe In love and people are so hard to trust and lies control lives and no one knows how to feel or share what’s on their minds or in their hearts, afraid that they will become a victim of another’s pain because those who have been hurt, hurt those who love them most unintentionally even so.

Because to love is to be vulnerable and no one knows how to trust enough to be weak to someone else other than themselves and so many times those who do fall for those who don’t know how to love are just too afraid to end up sad and alone so they act cold and mean and selfish and in the end of the game of love someone has to cry and bare the loss of it all

So when it comes down to what I wanted and what I got I stand alone and think that maybe one day it will get better thinking optimistically even though things seem so bleak and that one day before I die I will get what I want because if anyone deserves to be loved I try and believe its me….

Reviews

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

Stellar poem! Eloquent and raw. Flows like rain or tears. Pain, confusion, anger, vulnerabilty, need, hope- you allow us to peak into your heart and feel what you are feeling. A whirlwind of truth.

[RacialRainbow]

Thank you so much for your support in my writings. I truly appreciate your feedback. :)

[Nipplegrinder]

It's hard to feel this way. I have before. Thank you for sharing this. It's brave.

[Laura Lynn Close]

I have felt like that before, my favorite line is "if anyone deserves to be loved I try and believe its me"

[RacialRainbow]

Thank you and I hope you and I; both. Never have to feel this way again. :)