Broken words

Broken words

A Poem by Raghib
"

This is a poem about child abuse and the thinking of the child while undergoing it .

"
Standing before my tormentor,
my head bowed in fear, my hands clasped at my back .
I hear a noise,
like the clap of thunder, like the clash of swords ,
the next moment i find my cheeks red hot .
I urge myself not to cry,
how can I prove myself weaker than my persecutor .
even if it costs me my life,
I will still fight with my broken words .

I lo at her straight in the eye ,
i wouldn't budge,  wouldn't run run away .
you ask me to remand for my mistake,
for a fault as meager as your thinking .
you hit me, you kick me,
like i am a part of your property .
clutching my injured soul
ill manage to say with my broken words,''I was never blame worthy'' .

Ill be the wiser one, while you be the fool,
for there wont be another time when you play the liege .
I wont be your loyal pet,
Ill break free today.
I wont be the puppet in your hands,
Ill break free today.
and you will be left bound by guilt,
while my broken words watch over what remains .

© 2017 Raghib



Author's Note

Raghib
please criticize.

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Reviews

Wow. Though there were a few places I didn't quite get, the last stanza was powerful. Very nice. Well done.

Posted 4 Weeks Ago


My love, wonderful write.

"I hear a noise," please to "I heard a noise,"

"the next moment i find my cheeks red hot ." to "the next moment i found my cheeks red hot ."

Wow, the broken words portrayed the brokenness yet this character remained strong from inside out despite the abuse.

Posted 1 Month Ago


Other than capitalizing the letter “I” it’s very powerful. The typos are the only things I can see that need tending to. I can imagine this a hard read for one who has been through it.
Tabby

Posted 1 Month Ago


Sooner or later. The people will escape the walls of controlled and owned life.
"I wont be the puppet in your hands,
Ill break free today.
and you will be left bound by guilt,
while my broken words watch over what remains"
I liked the above lines.. Realistic view to keep. Thank you Raghib for sharing your amazing poetry.
Coyote

Posted 1 Month Ago


The repeat sounds and words, the forthright expression of thought... A very blunt and honest view... Styled in a way that cements fragility... If you need criticism... Then perhaps format it a bit cleaner, in that, the rhyming is a bit more obvious to the eye... Otherwise, very well penned...

Posted 1 Month Ago


I usually don't say this, but this would have been better with a rhyming scheme. Some writes work well with it, some don't. This one was screaming to me "Where are the rhymes?"

Maybe it's just because of the nature of the message.

Cute rhymes to a serious note
Can bring out the kids lost hope.

Enojoyed your poem. Thanks for sharing.

Posted 1 Month Ago


I think a lot of this story—necessary parts—didn't make it to the page, because you know what you mean, and forgot that the reader can't know it.

You say, "I hear a noise, like the clap of thunder, like the clash of swords, the next moment i find my cheeks red hot." I can think of no "noise" that would do that, so while I know what you say, as a reader, I have no context, And in writing, the reader has only what the words mean TO THEM, so context is critical. You need to edit in the viewpoint of a reader who knows nothing of the situation you're talking about unless you make them know it.

And unfortunately, a lot of what you say has meaning only to you.

When you write a letter to someone, and it's read by the one you're talking to, it has meaning. But to an outsider... It feels as if this is more of a therapy piece, and as such meaningful, and helpful to you.

But when you invite outsiders into your world, you need to make it more a guided tour than a look through the window.

Hope this helps.

Posted 1 Month Ago


Raghib

1 Month Ago

you said you cant think of any noise related to the clap of thunder , clash of swords . y next line .. read more
JayG

1 Month Ago

• next line that tells i find my cheeks red hot shows that it was a slap.

Really? M.. read more
Raghib

1 Month Ago

maybe i am wrong . will surely work on this , thanks for criticizing though . feels good to have f.. read more
I see hope and courage in the last line. Hold on to it and never gift smile to your persecutor.

Posted 2 Months Ago


Raghib

2 Months Ago

thank you for the review
"Ill break free today.
and you will be left bound by guilt,
while my broken words watch over what remains ."

Great work! Keep us posted.

Posted 2 Months Ago


Raghib

2 Months Ago

Thank you .
"and you will be left bound by guilt,
while my broken words watch over what remains ."
This is some powerful stuff Raghib.
You placed yourself well in the place of a tormented child though I myself wouldn't have been able to bring out a poem with such depth.
There lies the efficiency of a poet.


Posted 2 Months Ago


Raghib

2 Months Ago

Thank you Neetha for your review

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Added on October 9, 2017
Last Updated on October 9, 2017

Author

Raghib
Raghib

India



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