Likes of you

Likes of you

A Poem by Raghib
"

It is a poem about the other side of love . The side which makes you believe in the wrong person and how we hand over our life to someone truly unworthy .

"
On this dreaded path of life,
A moment not regreted by me .
Except all the time that I spent,
With the likes of you .
I buried my pride,
I buried my pain.
I buried it all,
Trying to think you're the one .
I remember your promises,
I remember your naked face,
I remember it all,
Blaming myself for falling for you .

Ringing in my head, those memories pass again,
That smile looks like a haunting phantom today .
All those from the time that I spent,
Alongside the likes of you .
I forgot my dignity,
I forgot my own soul.
I forgot it all,
Just to be with you .
I knew all your lies,
I knew all your ways,
Ignoring my mind just to be with you .

It came as a slap, the news of your departure,
When you threw that ring right on my face .
It fell down as a key to unchain me,
From the likes of you .
I watched with my cold eyes,
I watched you spew those lies again.
I watched it all,
Emerging out unshaken .
I let out a cry,
I let out the agony.
I let it all out ,
As my heart killed the last feeling called love .

© 2017 Raghib



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If you were to deliver this to the one it's written about it might be effective, because they would have context. But remember that your reader is hoping to be emotionally moved, not simply informed.

In stanza one you tell the reader, "Life sucks because of you," without making them know who the "you" is. So what can the reader say, but, "poor baby."

Why not, instead, make them know and react to the person, instead. Remember, were that other person to write a piece on the one speaking, they might be the one in the right. For all we know the one lamenting is at fault. And their piece might sound very much like this one.

And in the end, what does this say but, "I was in love and things were fine, but you left me and the world went bad for me. Hardly a new thought.

So instead of telling the reader about how dismal life is, make them feel it. Give them reason to feel the speaker's despair, not just know of it. Don't define the terms, make the reader live them. Use poetic language and vivid images. Evoke emotion, don't talk of it. Your reader will thank you.

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


Being in love brings out many other emotions as well. One learns to let go and comes to know the harsh feelings of one sided love. I can understand your emotions, be brave.

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


well sometimes we think we have found the right one and turned out it was based on a lie

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


Hi. I like the idea that the tragedy (as concretized by the throwing of the ring) was the "blessing" that set the persona free.

What I don't find very effective are the weak stanzas that come before that very strong line. That line is very strong because, if there's a ring involved, that means the relationship went very far. But the stanzas before it did nothing to prepare me for something of that magnitude.

I suggest making the previous stanzas stronger by making them more specific (e.g. allude to personal events that happened to the persona) or incorporating symbolic imagery (as you did with the ring).

As for your feedback request, I don't think the lack of rhyme is a problem.

Take your time brainstorming and good luck writing!

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


Please criticize .
(I tried real hard to create a rythm . I failed 😅😅😅😅) .
Other than rhymes any criticizm accepted

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


That's like being so Sunken in Love
I don't understand how people do it!
But, you have really created a masterpiece with your Words
Lovely Piece :)
Keep it up!


Posted 3 Weeks Ago


Raghib

3 Weeks Ago

Thank you for your review .
And yes being sunken in love does sound impossible but once its .. read more
Pragati Chaudhary

3 Weeks Ago

Yeah truly!

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Added on October 24, 2017
Last Updated on October 24, 2017

Author

Raghib
Raghib

India



About
A 65% introvert, i love to overthink . conservative . daydreaming and fantasies a must in life . more..

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