City of Fuyuki

City of Fuyuki

A Poem by Pale Moon
"

During the night, Fuyuki city was in flames.

"

The City of Fuyuki,

It was burning,

Flames was seen everywhere,

Screams of the dying could be heard,

Cries of anguish and moans of pain,

Smoke were rising on to the night's sky,

The smell of blood reeked everywhere, 

Emiya Kiritsugu,

A black-haired man in black suit and trench coat,

He passed the burning buildings,

There was exhaustion in his face,

His eyes were blank,

He was walking in a weak state,

As he passed more burning houses,

He saw a hand stretching out of the rubble,

He rushed to it,

He dug,

He found an auburn-haired boy,

He held the boy’s hand,

Tears overflowed from his blank eyes,

He cried “You’re alive… You’re alive!”




© 2018 Pale Moon


Author's Note

Pale Moon
Fore References:
Fate Zero Season 2 Ending (Episode 12 or Episode 25) :)

My Review

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Featured Review

Is this a poem or the synopsis of a story? It seems more an outline—the sketch of one. The language isn't particularly poetic, and you're not making use of prosody.

As a general observation, you need to squeeze the fat for better flow; For example, "The City of Fuyuki, It was burning," reduces to: "The City of Fuyuki was burning," for more impact.

And "Flames was seen everywhere," which should be, "Flames were seen everywhere," makes no sense, because if they were everywhere, anyone who might see them is on fire, and not paying attention.

When you say, "Screams of the dying COULD be heard," that doesn't mean that anyone does, only that if there was someone there, and they cared, they COULD HEAR them. But because the reader doesn't know why the city was burning, where it is in time and space, who's observing this, and why it matters, it lacks impact.

You're talking TO the reader, and explaining. But the reader doesn't want someone to describ things that are happening. That's a report, and reports don't, as a ruler, entertain. That matters because the reader comes to you to be entertained.

So instead of talking about events and visuals that the reader can't see (knowing something is burning is very different from seeing that happening) make them know the situation as someone who is experiencing them does so they will care, not just "know."

You know the story, so you have context as you read. But without your knowledge, what does a reader have?

• An unknown city, in an unknown time and place is burning in an unknown way, for unknown reasons.
• A nicely dressed but unknown black haired man walks a long distance, ignoring the suffering of those around him (so why isn't he burning like everyone else? You don't say.
• Finally, he sees a hand sticking out of rubble that may or may not be a place he knows. He digs the unknown boy free and is glad the boy is alive, for unknown reasons." Is it someone he knows, has he finally decided to help someone, or did he start digging because you decided he should, for dramatic purpose?

For you who know the story he has reason to both dig and rejoice at what he finds. For the reader, who has no clue of what's going on and why, what is there to make them share the man's joy?

In short, the people in the situation know what's happening and why. Shouldn't the reader? You did write it for them, after all

Sorry my news isn't better.
Finally the man comes to an unknown place

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Pale Moon

11 Months Ago

THANKS FOR THE CRITICS! :)



Reviews

'City of fuyuki'
Pale Moon,
I see this is your first writing posted here. I wish you continued enjoyment and just the experience of putting thoughts and words together in a satisfying way. so much happens in our lives which is real and can be used and explained in our writing. How do we process life in our writing? I wish you continued joy and every blessing in your future. I liked that conrast between the auburn haired character and the one walking through the city's devastation.This story has so much potential to build on and hope you do that as your imagination can be your vehicle.
Blessings to you
Kathy

Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Sounds like a nice setting to a story.

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Humm … homage write for a fictional place - but what I do know is Fuyuki is a masculine Japanese given name, which is occasionally used as a surname and means 'Wintry Tree'. Interesting write … :-)

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Another anime inspiration?! That's great actually...even I've got passion in translating bollywood film songs in english.....
This story in a poetry genre is filled with agony and burnt spirit I feel...the being alive quote was a proper use of emotionalism at last...thanks for sharing...all the best to your further improved journey☺

Posted 11 Months Ago


sad,a burning city and a man seeking to find a child
then he found him and a burden came off his back

Posted 11 Months Ago


While reading, i imagined the reason for blankness in his eyes depicts a speechless expression... his weak maneuver implying he'd been unsuccessful for whatever reason, from which ever journey.. his passing the burning buildings without so much as a halt to grasp the predicament as a sign of hopelessness and guilt for not having been able to do something about it.. but behold! no sooner had everything been lost in the smoke and the village consumed by flames, the hope in life that had been lost was restored through one rescue... his tears are tears of joy for he had not been around to save the burning village and its natives but had at least become a hero to a boy.

It's moving! Thanks Pale Moon for sharing your writing

Posted 11 Months Ago


Pale Moon

11 Months Ago

THanks much :)
At first I had the impression your poem might describe some online fantasy or game that other people recognize, but I don’t (no experience in fantasy). It doesn’t really matter tho, becuz your poem tells a complete story & it’s not necessary to know any background to understand. I saw how one of your reviewers went hard on you for the style of your writing. I think your writing style works well for this story. You make short sometimes broken statements, as a person would who is in shock and just staggering along. I love the ending, which is powerful & a nice way to leave on an upbeat note (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

Posted 11 Months Ago


Pale Moon

11 Months Ago

THanks much :)
Beautiful poem. Fantasy has always been my favorite genre, and it was a pleasure to read this. Keep up the great work!

-Derekv


Posted 11 Months Ago


Pale Moon

11 Months Ago

Thanks much :)
Powerful, imagery, dramatic, dark, with a light at the end. On saving a soul, when all seemed lost and gone.

Posted 11 Months Ago


I have read your poem about the City of Fuyuki and picked up on some grammar issues. I then saw the full critique that JayG has provided for you. It is in such depth and has some great points. Nothing that I can say could possibly improve on that or help you further.

Chris

Posted 11 Months Ago


Pale Moon

11 Months Ago

Thanks! i was just still starting to write hehe.

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12 Reviews
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Added on June 27, 2018
Last Updated on June 27, 2018
Tags: Fiction, Fic, Hero, Emiya, Kirtisugu, Fate, Fate Zero, Fate S/N, Fantasy, Disaster, Holy grail, Shirou, Fuyuki, City, Burning, Flames, Tragedy, General, Sadness, Gore, Brutality, Death, Writers, Cafe

Author

Pale Moon
Pale Moon

Bussel, Western Visayas, Philippines



About
I am just a young human who loves to read inspiring and sometimes tragic stories that is Reality, Fantasy and Fiction. :D more..

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