Reluctance

A 26 year old man recount the tales from his past which involves about his insecurities, talents, self-sabotaging, first love, missing opportunities and breaking free - until he become a top actor.

Hello there. My name is Hunter Louis, age 26. I'm six foot two, had brown hair, deep piercing blue eyes and owned a charming smile. Nice to make your acquaintance.  

It have been years since I did this; so this is my first attempt to write on my journal again. All thanks to two oddball that I am proud to call as my friends, who managed to persuade me over a dozen cans of beer that my life were so much interesting and thus, deserved to be written and shared with others. I personally didn't know how much of that was true, but I thought it was worth a try. So, here I am.

Life as a bachelor, I had to share an apartment in a Manhattan, NY with my two other friends and two terrier dogs that I had named as Butch and B***h. They were cute, the dogs I mean. Ronald and Paul are quite okay, I guess. They were the ones who talk me into this - writing my life story after knowing me for two years as they thought it would be amusing. Clowns. But thinking it more now, I guess they were quite right. I do have quite plenty of story to tell and just waiting for the right reader. And you guys could be one of them. 

Like I had stated above, I am a former lawyer and had went to college for three years to obtain my degree. I landed a job in a quite establish firm and for a while - everything was working well for me. My colleagues were nice, the case were interesting - and strangely enough, I enjoy listening the argument from my clients; especially coming from those who wanted a divorce, every now and then. To sum it all, my daily life were pretty fun. 

I even got engaged once to a woman named Juliath Kelsy while I was working in that firm.

 She used to be one of interns the company hired to help me with the cases. Her beauty and intellect made a great impression to me, so after several times working out late on the cases - I decided to ask her out. She accepted my advances to become his boyfriend in less than two months. A year after that, I proposed to her on Valentines day and we been planning to have a June wedding. For a while, everything was working well for us

Somehow, one prank during April Fool's day changes everything. Julia decided to call off our engagement after I told her that I had lost my job. It was an April Fool day for God sake. I wasn't being serious and just wanted to mess with her; but she took it a bit far by immediately calling off the engagement. It was harsh and a bit humiliating when she throw me out from the house; causing scene among the neighbours. Later that night, I checked into a hotel and begun to rethink about out relationship. 

I come with a decision to come clean, and then - ditched her. She was tearful when I told her that she can have the apartment, but I am taking my stuff with me and no longer will be paying for the rent. Still asking me to forgive her, I turned my back said to her - that this shall be our goodbye. 

She left the next morning, without a words. Leaving behind the ring and a letter, apologizing for her mistake. And, I never saw her again after that.

Whenever I think about Juliath and our broken engagement, I couldn't said that I wasn't glad it had happened. If it wasn't for that prank, I would have to marry her, without knowing her true intention to marry me wasn't  because of love - but because of my job and the money I had made from it.

She realized it a bit too late, however. My love for her had died. I send ring to the jewellery shop a few days later.  

About two months afterwards, I quitted my job; despite had been promised to be made as a partner in two years time. My colleagues, whom know about the engagement are a bit less sympathetic - and they keep telling that a good-looking lawyer like me shouldn't be moaning about a b***h like Juliath because I could always find someone better. Even cruel, they told me that they were a bit curious themselves how do we even get engaged at the first place? 

I look at them, try to figure out if there's any lawyer friends I had met so far are even human. Not getting a good answer become another reason of my decision of leaving the firm. I tell you what; somehow it felt good to be able to do so. 

At long last - I felt f*****g free!

I know the opener for my story is a bit dull, I mean just some guy who talks about his dogs, job and ex-fiancé; and I don't blame you if you feel the urge to walk away now. That's why I am skipping back a few years now, to tell you the root story before I became a lawyer and all that stupidity. I do hope that I haven't bore you down yet because my early life is a bit of whirlwind and pretty crazy; as I am beginning to recall.

I was five when my father told me that I might be gifted or something, as a painter. I was pretty young and couldn't see at which part of my random drawings can be considered as talented. He told me that I was, and as a sheer of encouragement; he brought me a lot of pencils and sketches book so that I could sharpen my drawing skill. To tell you the truth, I couldn't even understand his real motives by doing that (probably his long-life dream or something) and the funny thing is, the more did he buy and praise me; the more I feel irritated about it. I decided to make some mess with my own drawings, which mostly were self-portrait, and  showing him my other hidden talent; that is, destroying my own creation. I brought him down on his knees after an attempt to draw the picture of my mother, which went down so horribly, even she wept. My mother scolded my dad and told him to lay off and not encourage me to do something that I absolutely had not talent on. After that, he never praised or buy me any more pencils. I was a bit pleased with this own achievement. And so does my mother.

I was thirteen when a girl declared her feelings for me. Her name was Traci James. I didn't know what to say when she confessed to me, so I lied to her and I said that I felt the same way too. Somehow, she thought that would qualify her as my girlfriend or something, and begin to control every other girls in class who wanted be my friends. What a loony, I thought this girl was. I try to take a damage control by ignoring her when she was talking to me or simply rejected any of her gifts nor help. After three months, she stop trying and swore her hatred to me. Where is she now? Happy married to one of my high school friend, Adam. They even had a child together that they named as Erik. And guess who's did they choose as the Godfather for their child? Me.

When I ask her for the reason, she told me it was an easy pick; because she hated me and wanted to make my life suffer. I had never heard someone who picks a godfather for their child based on hatred before, but Adam is a good friend of mine; so I found it hard for me to say no. Erik is a good boy too and time passed as I grew fond with the kid. Still, I don't think that it was a good choice. Janet, Erik's godmother and Traci sister-in-law, however thought that I am natural with kids and she supported me. She even go far by considering me as the godfather for her own child after she married her husband two Summer's ago. Flattered by her trust, I just couldn't say no. So, my decision brings me to a final counting of two dogs and godchildren to take care off. And I am not even married.  

Puberty hits hard when I turned fourteen because deep down inside; I don't wanna change. I try to convinced myself  that I am still the same person, but my voice and my whole physique was betraying me. Nothing is the same as I thought was, so I confessed with my mother who by then had move out from house. She told me that this what happened to boys when they grow up. Even the boys from her school acted the same way when they were my age. I try not to think much about it, and it works. I had my mother to thank for that encouragement and support. Funny thing is, I never consulted my dad on this matter. 

I was sixteen when I got my driving license, and my mother had got hers seven years earlier. I told my mother that I was scared to drive by my own for the first time. She told me to take it easy and have fun with my friends while remember to drive carefully. I took a few friends and visit her in college to surprise her. She totally didn't expected that the first trip that made would be to her dormitory and give me a big hug when she saw me. We go out and have a pizza together, her treat of course. She told me how proud she is to see me grown up so well. I felt almost sorry for her that she is stuck for another two years in order to complete her degree, but she told me that she's enjoy her new life very much and I have nothing to be worried about. She kissed me on the cheek and asked me to send hugs and kisses to my dad. Hugs, ok. Kisses? Not a f*****g chance.

After completing my A-Levels, I had to choose between taking a law courses or business. I am pretty terrible handling my own money, so law it's. 3 years later, I completed my studies but almost didn't become a lawyer. My mother and dad were furious. I said that instead of jumping into the wagon, I would like to take a bit of adventure in my life, try something differently. The first thing that popped into my head was becoming a scuba teacher, despite having no experience in swimming or teaching whatsoever in that field. I distinctly remember that I almost drowned at one of the lessons that I am taking. I was terrible at it so naturally, I would have to give up that plan. My dad rejoiced, but my mother told me to find another things that I might be interested in; and they fought hard about it. Following their dispute, my mother leaves the house and return to her work, only to come back a year later with a new boyfriend. Sam Keith. By then, I already made up my mind and followed my destiny to become a lawyer. She's was quite happy about it but almost disappointed when she found out that I never done anything that I said I wanted to do. However, her new boyfriend is very much understanding and told me that it was okay, as long as I am enjoying myself. And I did, as I told you earlier; love my job as a lawyer if it wasn't about that April fool prank I pulled that had cost me my entire engagement. Still, I don't make a habit of apologizing to it.

It had always been my dream, and any man dreams really; to become a rock star. I had my shot last year, found a couple of guys who wanted to become a musician and started a band. It was fun at first, and I thought that I had finally found my true calling. Sadly, my career were a short-lived; and I am a huge chunk that causes it. Our band, Tender Storm were quite well-received; thanks to most of the songs that were fun and catchy - but a major problem come up. Me. I would always forgotten the lyrics, no matter how much time did I take to remember and practice it during rehearsal. When I talk about this problem to the other band members; they doesn't give a f**k about it and said that our fans wouldn't mind for few slips; but they were wrong. Our fans do mind when the vocalist keep forgetting their lyrics and keep ruining it for them. They demanded for the vocalist change. I was devastated by it, but thought it as funny that I could memorize the whole passage of complicated directories and enactment of laws; but not a few simple lines of lyrics. Maybe simple task made my mind absent. The band blamed me for the rift that I had cause among the fans and wanted me to leave. I did. About a week later, they found a new replacement for me but as the fate want it, the band disbanded six month afterwards due to the poor responses. And just like that, Tender Storm was gone.

Three months later, I decided to join a small community centre that held art class and  theatre after school, and that's when good thing started to happen to me. Most of the participants were kids; aged from eight to twelve, who quite eager with the whole thing; that it started to scare the s**t out of me. I can tell that the level of the determination that this kids have, I didn't have half of it. I begin my career as a humble volunteer teacher, teaching kids simple drawing techniques and sketches (mostly doodles). They made me a permanent staff with quite considerable wedges after two months in trial and I was more than glad to accept it. It wasn't much but it's enough for me to pay rent with my other two flatmate and paying for other utilities. And the food for my dogs, of course.

It took the absence from one of the teacher in the community centre to give me an opportunity to put my hands into one of the acting class. It was out of the blue really, and something that I didn't expect to happen. The teacher who was supposed to handle the class caught a flu and couldn't come in; and I was available so they wanted me to take her place. It was a quick process but the result was unbelievable. I never knew how much fun that acting could provide for the ones who participating in it. The kids and I were having so much fun, that it caught me to thinking - why didn't I volunteered myself sooner. 

I know that I had done a good job when one of the teacher who monitoring the acting class ask me to come back. I was flattered at first, but told them that I don't know much about acting and theatre; except accidentally reading about it sometimes. They said that it's fine, they still want me to become the teacher anyway because the other kids had been bugging and asking, when will I come back? They feel that it's only right if they tell me about it and let me made my own decision. 

After a few days of thinking, I still don't think that I am the right person to conduct the classes so, one of them had to step in and convinced me that I was good and natural at it. This person, a quite older woman who I rarely seen before in the community centre intervenes and said that I was natural because I had my mother to thank for. She smiled at me after saying that.

Bewildered, I followed her and begin to question more about my mother. Frankly, I was a bit speechless because this is the first time in my life; anyone had take a step further and talk to me about my mother - my real mother I mean, in front of me. Yes, I know I been using the word mother quite liberally in the beginning of the paragraphs, but the mother that I been telling you at the beginning of the stories; the one who I draw a picture of her when I was 5, the one I come to visit in college after getting my driving license, the one who bring over her boyfriend to meet my father - wasn't really my mother. She is, in fact - my sister.

Somehow, inside of my head; I never seem able to register her as my sister, only my mother. I wasn't thinking a lot when I decided that, and absolutely had no desire for her or anything; but I suspected losing my mother at a young age could had a lot to do with this. Or perhaps I am just a very messed up young kid who hungry for the love from a mother and call his sister out of need of that. Either way, I am not even sure. Of course, my sister never know anything about this ( I called her Nell ), or else she will give me a kick me on my a*s, every single day - as long as I live.

With this new piece of information about my real mother; I found out about who she was, and what she did when she was alive. I was shocked to learned that about twenty-odd years ago; she was an actress. And quite a famous one at that too. Minor star with a great quality of acting. The woman who reveal it to me, Beth Horgan, was a veteran stage actress and she used to be a good friend of my mother. 

She told me that after my mother get married at a very young age, twenty-one years old (pregnant with my sister); she didn't resume her acting career. It mostly had to do with my my father doesn't approve of it. She become a full-time housewife after giving birth to my sister, and had made no further contact with any of her actor and actresses friend. Not until the day she give birth to me and died, anyway that my father allowed them to attend the funeral to pay my mother their last respect.

After her death, my father locked up everything that had belong to my mother - the cut off paper from her performance, her movies, pictures, everything; and put it away. His only concern and dedication now is to raise me and my sister. It was a tragedy, Beth said that he never remarries nor asking anyone to help him out with two little children because he was pretty broken-hearted when my mother died. She didn't know how he managed to pull everything off; but looking at me - she know my father had succeed. I was slightly curious on how she could recognize me right away, but she said that my eyes and other features had pretty given me away - that I am no doubt, Olivia Patterson son.  

One of the many regrets that Beth had was she never got to see me (she seen the picture of my mother and sister but not me) growing-up and for my mother to died before she turned 30. She partially blames my father for becoming the cause of my talented mother to withdraw herself from the spotlight. She asked me if I had any interest in acting and after a while talking about it; persuaded me to continue Olivia's legacy. She told me that I have a good face and a good acting teacher, that I probably could make a good actor too. I wasn't convinced.

Despite my lack of interest, Beth managed to put me up for an audition; but the way she did it - it's funny to even talk about. She lied to me that she had an accident, and didn't know who to call - ask me to help her out. The moment I arrived, I know what's been going on from the line of queues, that this must be for the audition for a movie. Beth persuade me to take this chance to see either I like it or not. My first audition is a role of a young man who lost his sight after a tragic accident, and how life goes on for him afterwards. It's quite a moving movie about restoring hope and love after a tragedy that disable him to see anything in his future. I love the simple script and a dialogues; and I enjoyed every deliverance and myself in auditioning for it.

 Beating 200 other hopeful applicants, I won the role and begin my first acting career in a small production. The budget and cast may be limited, but I can feel the gigantic love and closeness around the set. I feel like I struck a luck in this small budget production, trying out as a new actor and know that I had stroked another one when I met my future wife, Halley. She was our music composer for the movie. I didn't know when it started, but Halley and I fall madly in love with each other; that after the movie completed, we secretly got married.

About six month later, the movie comes out. The raves were pretty bad, but they were putting a nice line for me. Watch out for this new actor; Hunter Louis, cause he's going to stir up some storm in our filming industry. Along with my face, some old snippets from my mother old acting career days begin to resurfaces as well; much to Beth happiness and my father dismay. He called me out about it and were furious when I didn't tell him that I had decided to become an actor. I told him that I was just trying out, but he was really pissed and want me to quit playing around; go back and become a lawyer. Despite the negative review about the movie; I convinced him that I still wanted to carry on. He told me that I can do whatever I like, but don't even bother of coming home again and later hang up. I don't even had a time to tell him about my marriage to Halley.