Entomophobia

Entomophobia

A Story by Alex
"

A short story about a paracital outbreak.

"

Entomophobia

 

                It was a sunny day in Philadelphia as little Jordan ran down the street with a blood curdling scream. He only had one checkered Vans shoe, for the other one had fallen off in his running. ”Help!” he screamed as he was turning red and white from fear and fatigue. “He was only seven.” said the doctor as he gave Jordan, who once was a little boy but now is a corpse, an autopsy. This doctor came by the name or Dr. Stevenson. He was six foot nine and wasn’t ripped by any means but wasn’t all skin and bones either. He had just graduated medical school at Harvard and now has it made with his own clinic.

 

 

            The doctor had become sick with his discovery of what was all over the boy’s intestines and grey matter. It was shiny and black; almost like one of those wasps that keep stinging. The doctor took one and stuck it in a plastic tube. They were dispersing a clear sticky fluid that gleamed in the light. He also took a sample of that and sent it to process. Its body was like a caterpillar’s for length, and the way it got around was like a worm. It had a needle like tail that was only half an inch long that sprayed the fluids. “It’s like a neurotoxin and a virus mixed.” said Vanessa, the only other person working with the Dr. Stevenson. She had blonde hair and an athletic body; two reasons why she was the doctors newly wedded wife. Just after she said that, Jordan’s body began shaking violently as if he was having a seizure. The doctor had just called the government to report the species and its “special abilities”. Then the doctor and Vanessa tried to restrain the boy by his limbs. His mother sat outside sobbing. Two black vans pulled up outside the morgue or better explained as a clinic. Like they had done this a thousand times; five men in black suits stepped outside of one van and created a semi circle around the entrance doors. Another five men, in hazmat suits, stepped out of the back of the other van. As if they were turning a corner in a war zone the men in the suits entered the clinic.

 

 

             Jordan’s mother jumped up and ran into the room where Jordan was still spasming and flung herself upon his body. The worms started crawling all over her body and started to sting. Then the doctor made a discovery. “Look at that one!” he said pointing at her leg. “It’s digging!” he exclaimed in excitement and horror. The creature stuck its stinger into her leg and began to work it way into her body. She screamed in pain. The men in hazmat walked into the room and pulled out a concealed brief case. The man that pulled it out then opened it. It had two tubes of an acidic gel on both sides of a center that looked like a calculator wired to a pale brick labeled “C4”. Then he started punching numbers on the calculator and turned. “Anyone who doesn’t want to blow up or be burnt alive that is not infected get out now.” Everyone started walking out as Jordan’s body finally lay still. Now it was his mother that’s spasming. The men outside had cleared the area. It was a medium sized town and they were on the edge of the city, so it was a fairly easy task to complete. In one van they loaded Dr. Stevenson, Vanessa, and the men in hazmat. They pulled the van forward so that they could see the whole building. It was one story, but it was fairly wide and was the color of burnt sand. It had three large windows: one for the office, one for the waiting room, and one for a part of the lab. The men in the suits, that were still outside, pulled out multiple weapons to guard the block. Vanessa screamed and held on to Stevenson. They heard someone counting down “Five, four, three,” and then the heard “Fire!” They looked at the entrance and saw the two infected, once human, corpses walking towards the door. Covered in blood, they were easily spotted. Five machine guns started ringing out. The glass door shattered and the bullets started hitting their marks, but the two didn’t stop. “Two, one, zero!” The glass on and in the building shattered and the building was ablaze by the green incendiary gel. In the moment Dr. Stevenson somehow felt at peace. He had a memory that good always will overcome evil.” When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible but in the end, they always fall,” he said.  

 

               Jordan and his mother were gone in the fire. And for the doctor and his wife they weren’t seen for weeks, but on their return ther was something different. They didnt have happy faces anymore. They were pale and showed no expression. Their life in the community was never the same. They grew old together but they also grew farther apart from the world as time went by. They died at the same time on a cold Autumn day. Everyone was left in wonder, yet the night they died the town slept peacefully and in silence, for a secret now lay buried forever in a death bed of silence and disbelief.

© 2009 Alex


Author's Note

Alex
Please no profanity or completely one sided reviews. If you give a completely bad review it is one sided and makes you look completely idiotic. Please spot out any mistakes or improvements.

My Review

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Okay.

You need to split the first three lines off to make a paragraph. Otherwise it's too clustered. It's also an unwelcome jump from one person to another in the space of a sentence.

'He had just graduated medical school at Harvard and now has it made with his own clinic.'
That 'has' shouldn't be there either.

'She had blonde hair and an athletic body; two reasons why she was Mrs. Stevenson.'
Something to do with her being married. Otherwise I don't quite get this sentence.

'The worms started crawling all over her body and started to sting. Then the doctor made a discovery.'
That second line is out of nowhere and doesn't fit at all.

'He had a memory that good always will overcome evil." When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible but in the end, they always fall," he said. Jordan and his mother were gone in the fire. And for the doctor and his wife they weren't seen for a week, but when they returned they were millionaires and no one else has heard of this tragic event.'

The problem with this piece is that it's too rushed. Read it out to yourself (remember all the commas and full stops) and bear in mind that you have time and space for description.
Theres also a problem with the story in general. It all seems very out of sync, especially the ending. That quote before the end is unnecessary, the ending (among other sections) is far too abrupt. Take more time over the writing, describe facial expressions, sounds, movements. You can do much, much better with this idea.

Hope I helped, and keep writing.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 14 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Okay.

You need to split the first three lines off to make a paragraph. Otherwise it's too clustered. It's also an unwelcome jump from one person to another in the space of a sentence.

'He had just graduated medical school at Harvard and now has it made with his own clinic.'
That 'has' shouldn't be there either.

'She had blonde hair and an athletic body; two reasons why she was Mrs. Stevenson.'
Something to do with her being married. Otherwise I don't quite get this sentence.

'The worms started crawling all over her body and started to sting. Then the doctor made a discovery.'
That second line is out of nowhere and doesn't fit at all.

'He had a memory that good always will overcome evil." When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible but in the end, they always fall," he said. Jordan and his mother were gone in the fire. And for the doctor and his wife they weren't seen for a week, but when they returned they were millionaires and no one else has heard of this tragic event.'

The problem with this piece is that it's too rushed. Read it out to yourself (remember all the commas and full stops) and bear in mind that you have time and space for description.
Theres also a problem with the story in general. It all seems very out of sync, especially the ending. That quote before the end is unnecessary, the ending (among other sections) is far too abrupt. Take more time over the writing, describe facial expressions, sounds, movements. You can do much, much better with this idea.

Hope I helped, and keep writing.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 14 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on December 4, 2009
Last Updated on December 5, 2009
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