Because She Deserved It

Short Story for a Contest :)

Her hair hung limply in her face, moving ever so slightly as the air from the vent hummed overhead. She shuddered, wrapping her arms around her body tightly as if to surround herself in an indestructible cocoon. Her feet were pulled up against the porcelain toilet, bound to her body.

She never once looked up at the mirror before her. It mocked her. It’s cold exterior laughed with silence. You can’t escape from me, It said, I know the truth about you, Jeannie.

“Liar!” She screamed, eyes closed tightly like a child hiding from the dark. She clung back to her skin and whimpered, biting irritably at her dry lips.

“I didn’t mean to do it! He said… I was doing it for him,” she whispered.  “He promised to take me away; give me the things that would make the hurt disappear.” Her eyes scanned the floor as if she could find the correct excuse engraved there to relieve her from the accusations. 

No, Jeannie, It toyed her more, you did this yourself. You are the bad girl.

“You don’t know anything! Only he does,” she screamed. She rose suddenly and stopped in front of the sink holding up the mirror before her. Her trembling hands slammed down hard, making everything shake and clink together. Her image shook in the reflection. “She deserved it!”

Her fingers slid down her reflection, trying to touch what was impossible. As she focused closely, a memory flashed in her head. He had spoken to her in this exact bathroom, whispering softly in her ear the promises. The sweet and tempting words that had her hopes far above cloud 9. She was wide-eyed and confused. Her lips moved to form the familiar question, ‘Why?’ She shook her head at his offer at first, but he wouldn’t take it. He made her see that there were no other options.

Her forehead rested on the cold glass, an exterior that fit how she felt inside. Distant eyes moved to see the deformed image at the corner of the mirror that held a different reflection than her own. She blinked quickly, reverting back to her now state of mind. A tear slid down quickly and she screamed with frustration.

She turned her head to the body in the bathtub and began to hum a song she once heard: “don’t cry, little baby girl… All is well in the world of dreams,” she sang so softly, the walls could not hear.  She then knelt by the body in the tub and touched the woman’s damped, stringy hair. “Sleep well, little baby girl…”

Reviews

[LetMeLaughLetMeSing]

Oh, my goodness... this is so powerful. Fantastic job, wonderful writing.

[Michael Carr]

a indestructible cocoon -(change a to an)
It’s cold exterior made fun, laughing with silence. - (change to 'it's cold exterior laughed with silence'. It's a multiple beat line that doesn't enhance the power, just draws it out.)
women’s damped, stringy - (women's to woman's)
she screamed and argued - (cut the 'and argued' it adds nothing here, we can tell she's arguing from the dialogue)
that will make the hurt disappear - (change will to would, in line with first half of dialogue tense)

It's a solid, if rather unoriginal piece. Don't get me wrong, it's okay to do a piece that's been done before so long as you enhance it in a strong way and I think you manage that fairly well here. I'd cut back on all the lines the character gets that just seem tobe there to scream CRAZY. Instead, give us more to this mirror and more in depth look into her sanity from the inside, how she thinks and what drove her to this moment. As it is now I don't know enough of her or her mind.

Don't mean to sound harsh, I write reviews for CRWT class as a teaching TA so I feel that neg feedback always helps more than positive praise. This is a solid piece, and you manage to embue a great voice, but with a few fix ups and more depth and it could be even stronger.

[sierra_jo]

This is a great peice of work! Plenty of imagery! You will definately win the contest! :D

[Mademoiselle Kt]

I like this.

[DeviousSiddy]

I love it! So dark and eerie. Yet really meaningfull.

[SparksLC]

WOW this was good, I wasn't expecting the ending. I definitely agree that this is dark, but in a good way! Great Job and good luck in the contest niiko =)