'Till Morning

A romantic sonnet...

I long to share the dark with you, my sweet

A thrill would it bring to my cold, dead heart

Without your beauty I am incomplete

Your grey skin and torn flesh, a work of art

 

While I hunger for blood and you for brains

Our souls are joined in undead unity

Through each full moon my love for you remains

Though vilified by both communities

 

But, my fiendish love, I will not forgo

My dream to gaze into your oozing eyes

My life for you, I’d give ~ like Romeo

Had I not already met my demise

 

Vampire and Zombie, we will walk the night

Hand in hand until morning brings the light

Author's Note

The working title was "Dracleo and Zombiette" ;p

Reviews

[John Lauterbach]

This reads more elegantly than I expected it to at first; Expectations born of the ABCB setup you usually use, but this is ABAB. I had to re-read it without the introductory thought that it would have that limerick-y sound to it. This was uniquely romantic to me and not 'funny' as much because of the elegance it carries. I feel like with some word replacement, you could seriously use this on a person and get results.

For the second stanza's 2 and 4 lines, would changing "Though vilified by both communities" to "Though vilified by our community" be acceptable? It loses some of the Romeo/Juliette parallel that way, but it flows better.

Third stanza, last line; the 'If' threw me a bit. I feel like 'Had we not...' would be more natural. Are syllables important to this piece? I can't place it, but my brain is telling me there was attention given to them.

I like it on two levels, even if I made one up myself.

[Rita L. Sev]

Thanks, John, for your thorough review! This is outside of my usual format (trying some different pieces). It is a sonnet (traditional, Shakespearian format) so each line should have 10 syllables. I think "Had we not already met our demise" will work... :)

[Antoinette Tarsitano-Mo..]

Wow, can you imagine the dinner conversation on this date?? Very eerie!!

[Rita L. Sev]

LOL! "A bit of flesh for you, my dear?" "Yes, please. Shall I pour another glass of Red?" :)

[ANTO]

Hah! I was wondering if the girl had been out of the sun too long when I read 'grey flesh' but then the twist at the end made me grin from ear to ear Rita. Classic fun-horror write.
I enjoyed it immensely.
X

[Rita L. Sev]

Thank you - glad you enjoyed this odd little romance...

[Cassie]

Wow!!!! Hand in hand until morning brings the light. Sonnets I find too hard to write and you did that just excellently. Good one Rita

[Rita L. Sev]

Thank you, Cassie! Sonnets are a challenge, but very satisfying. I assign them to my students at the end of each school year - that's an interesting week of syllable counting and shouting out rhymes! :)

[Cassie]

If I was your student, I would always fail when you assign me sonnets. Hahahaha

[Rita L. Sev]

We help each other. You would do just fine! :)

[Damien Thibodeaux]

Ooooo, I like. Rita getting her darkside on again. With the usual Rita 'tongue in cheek'. Always enjoy visiting for your poetry. It seems to come to you so easily. You amaze me.

Are you looking forward to getting back to school? Couple of weeks away, right?

[Rita L. Sev]

Thanks so much, Damien! This was a fun piece to write. :)

Teachers go back on September 3rd, which means I should probably get into my classroom soon to start organizing... where did summer go? :) I am ready though - I get antsy by this point, missing the challenge!

[Rocans]

Wow Rita, this is definitely one of my favourites from you. Your poetic voice was strong in this one. You should write more in this style, it really suits you. All stanzas were on point, I would change nothing except the title if you had gone with the queer title "Dracleo and Zombiette" lol

[Rita L. Sev]

Ha! Thank you, Rocans! Sonnets are a fun challenge to write. And I never would have used that title... LOL!

[TL Boehm]

So I came here expecting this serious bit and at first I thought - ooh this is chilling and dark. By the end though I was laughing out loud. Zombie love. Who knew?
Oozing eyes. Awesome!

[Rita L. Sev]

:) You know me, Tammy - it is hard for me to stay serious for long... :) Thanks!

[kublakhan27]

I am in awe...it's so hard to find writers that even attempt these things let alone pull one off with the brilliance you've done here...it's perfect...definitely my favourite piece of yours to date, just an amazing work :)

[Rita L. Sev]

Thank you so much, K! I like the challenge of a sonnet. :)

[kublakhan27]

You're most welcome, as do I :)

[Angel]

Dracleo and Zombiette...I love it!
A bit of a departure for you...but no matter. Your natural wit is all over it.
An elegant love story for the ages!!

Brilliant write!

[Rita L. Sev]

Thank you, Angel! Sometimes, I am in the mood for a sonnet... ;)

[SyberRose]

Very nice sonnet indeed Rita...i enjoyed the dark theme also...perfect syllable count...nicely penned:)

[Rita L. Sev]

Thank you, Rose! I had fun with this one.

[ShelleyA]

Hi Rita. A very good 'dark love' sonnet between these creatures of the night. Unique and creative. Imagery and descriptives are well done. Flow is good; line too line transition and breaks are nicely done. Very nice rhythm and enjambment. Rhyme is good as is the rhyme scheme: abab cdcd efef gg. A nice mix of near perfect dactylic, feminine and masculine end line rhyme that is executed well in this piece. Deep expression of emotion about this forbidden love, with a hint of humor. Well penned and a good read. Write on!

[Rita L. Sev]

Thank you, Shelly. Sonnets are a fun challenge! :)

[ShelleyA]

You're welcome Rita. Yes, they are fun and challenging. Take care and have a great day!