Whimper Here

“Whimper here” said the old man; his face was old and wrinkled, and covered in hair the colour of freshly fallen snow.

 

“Whimper here” said the old man, who stood beside his door, the door that shone with light from a place of warmth and welcome.

He hunched over a small wooden cane, holding it firmly in his winkled old hand, his bony fingers clutching it like death itself.

 

“Whimper here” said the old man as he stared towards me, with eyes that told a thousand stories, the eyes of an untamed tiger bullied behind tall reaching bars.

 

“Whimper here” said the old man with compassion in his voice that soothed me, and welcomed me into his hut.

 

“Whimper here” said the old man as I walked closer to his keep, stepping on old stones and what seemed to sound like broken bones.

 

“Whimper here” said I to the old man, as I held him in my arms, feeling his sadness in my heart, and the loneliness that had consumed him, “whimper here.”

 

 

Author's Note

ignor spelling and grammar problems...

Reviews

[Nancy Lee Shrader]

Congrats on your great winning poem!

[Passingdaze]

Excellent write. So very original.

[xlynne]

wow that was great. i really liked the style of it, the repetition with the words "whimper here" and i liked how you connected the reader through images and descriptions to the poem. i LOVED when you said "...stepping on old stones and what seemed to sound as broken bones." and "...his body stood like a rickety building, rocking back and forth in the night wind."

the only thing i felt was wrong with it was to me, the feeling of loneliness didn't pop out at me till the end. actually it felt a little creepy and even through i loved the line about stepping on bones, that line delivers more of a creepy kind of message than a cold and lonely one. i think mainly because i don't know the relationship between the narrator and the old man i get more of that creepy vibe. but i do think your poem was great and your last line really delivered.

[Hedra Helix]

wow! 16? really? your style is awesome, espec for your age (sorry I know that sounds terrible but i mean it honestly and with a lot of respect.)
you're very precise and lyrical and delicate while still strong in your emotional tone and description;)
this is beautiful and mysterious. that old man could have become ANYTHING
a great snippet, I sooo enjoyed it.

[-Adam-]

Simply beautiful. The descriptions you gave for everything were fantastic. After reading this I really want to read your story. Once again, simply beautiful. Well done.

-Adam-

[thecoolone52]

its like a song.... in the way... growing older sucks... im not old but i can feel my body changing a little.... Great imagrey and theme.... swwwweeeet write

[Scarlet Opal]

"...stepping on old stones and what seemed to sound as broken bones."

I love hearing and picturing that image in my head. :)

As I read your poem, a certain sound kept ringing out to me, the "oh" sound, as in bone, stone, cold, old, etc. To me, that sound reminds me of a big metal xylophone or some sort of metal instrument that gives off a soft tone. The benefit in this poem for repeating that sound is how it makes the emotion of your poem seem solemn or grave. Also, I see the colors of gray, white, black, and dark blue in your poem; I think this is because of your word choice. Again, that further establishes your goal of searching for security or finding solace in sadness. I'm not sure about the "bullied tiger," mostly because it contradicts my entire feeling of remorse and sadness. However, if I tweak my perception a bit, I think I can see how the damaged tiger and a somber old man could coincide within one body... His life and vitality bruised and battered like the mistreated tiger, ah I get it. Haha, I apologize for my fickle mind. Nonetheless, well done in creating sorrow with gentleness. I like it.

[Z.Silas]

very well composed piece here, with a wrenching sadness to it.

[Claudia MelGregory]

"Whimper here."

It's an enticing title.

The repetition of the phrase reminds me, somewhat of Poe's the Raven "Never more" quote.

You gave life to a picture of sorrow, desolation, which I'm sure everyone has experienced at some time in life. And always feeling alone at such times. And yet somehow made those feeling of sadness and loneliness a shared experience. There was an underlying and presented warmth to this a feeling conveyed like a cleansing or redemption.

I enjoyed reading it. And hope to read more from you.

[The Autumn Faerie]

I wouldn't call this poetry, though it has a powerful feeling to it.
It has more story-like qualities.
Work on the stanzas, for they are more like paragraphs.

Ignoring your formatting, it was a very good write with a very powerful sense of feeling to it.
Keep writing!