How to Protect Yourself from a Dragon

A peasant's guide to dragonslaying

 

How to Protect Yourself from a Dragon
        Hello, my name is Fergus and I am here to teach you how to protect yourself from a dragon. As a survivor of numerous dragon attacks, I can assure you of first-rate ideas to ensure your survival. If you find this works for you, make sure to brush up on my other works in this area, including: How to Protect Yourself from Trolls and How to Protect Yourself from Flesh-Eating Garden Gnomes.

Now, there are many ways for one to protect themselves from dragons: talismans, amulets, certain types of herbs – but do they really work? Another work of mine called How to Use Talismans tells us they can. With some types of dragons, however, these things do not even work, so what then? There are plenty of answers besides being a knight, warrior, or scholar there are ways even the everyday peasant can learn how to protect themselves from dragons. The relationship you have with the dragon, how to prepare, choosing an effective cover, a plan of attack, where to strike, a scenario to help you understand how to carry out your plan of attack, and finally alternatives to violence are all areas that will be explored.
        First, you should examine the circumstances that you are in with the dragon. Did it put a curse on you? Is it eating your flock? Do you owe it money of some kind? Does it stay on even after the countless virgins you have sacrificed to it? Did you promise it a part in a new play you were putting on? If you answered yes to any of the following questions, then look no further. Here we will discuss how to protect yourself from dragons in general, emphasizing especially on those that just like to wreak havoc on nearby villages.
        In preparing, you should look at what is available to you. For knights, armor will not be appropriate. Why? Fire on metal will turn your shiny suit into a pressure cooker, making you into a particularly desirable soup. In place of armor, I recommend leather. However, you should keep your shield and weapon; those will come in handy later. If you are a peasant, do not despair; shields and weapons can be procured from your local blacksmith. Sometimes they do charge a good amount; in that case, haggling might be your best bet. If you are like most peasants though, you may not be able to afford such luxuries, especially if that pesky dragon has burned all of your crops just before the harvest – They love to do that! This is when you use what is available to you. Look around – see anything useful? Bows and arrows work just as well as swords or lances. Large pots and pans might even work in place of a shield. When choosing weapons and shields, put special thought into it. Rusty or dull swords are often worse then bows and arrows. Small lightweight shields can often be better then large bulky ones as well. If there is a local witch, wizard, sorcerer or equivalent in your area, have them put a spell on the main weapon you are using. This will help in making sure the dragon dies or will not return. If no one who possesses such power lives nearby, do not fret; spells and charms are an asset but not necessary. Catapults are good when attacking airborne dragons, so if one is available to you, use it. Before facing the dragon it would be wise to dowse yourself in water. Why? Research shows that wet clothes do not burn as easy as dry ones do. This is just another helpful hint. Once you have these items, you can move onto the next stage – your cover.
        Your cover can be described as just that. What will you use to hide yourself from the dragon? No, a shield will not work; it is too small, especially for those of you who are using a pot or pan. Now if you live in a little wood-and-sticks shack, you might want to pick a different cover. Being highly flammable, it would just be easier to give up now. There should be other suitable covers around you somewhere. Rocks or rock walls are very good covers and come highly recommended. Over turned horse troughs or pig slops will do for a time, but remember, they are usually made out of wood and are flammable. Who said you had to hide around your home? Caves and bridges are great places to use as cover, but I would watch which bridge you pick, sometimes trolls live under them and would not appreciate unwelcome company. Anyway, now that you have your cover, you will want to start the next and probably most important stage – where to strike.
        Some dragons it is easy to see where to strike them, others it is not. Most dragons however, are killed instantly when struck in the stomach or fleshy underbelly. Others are not killed so easily. Usually it does take the enchanted sword or arrow to kill the dragon. Yet in these cases, the person slaying the dragon can usually afford to find such a person to put an enchantment on their weapon. So the underbelly of the dragon is always your best bet to strike a dragon. When it is decided where to strike the dragon, you should move to another important stage – plan of attack.
        The plan of attack you put together is vital. Know your enemy. Does he hunt in your area often? Everyday or only three days a week? Take the time to observe the dragon during one of its attacks. The way it attacks, how high it flies, and when it uses its flame are important things to observe. Does it destroy your crop right off or just pick out something that looks tasty? No small detail is unimportant as you observe the dragon, use everything to your advantage. Be careful as you observe too, you do not want to get yourself killed before you have a chance to do anything.
        Since no two dragons attack the same, we will use an example to help you plan your attack. Say the dragon stalking you and/or your village on every third Monday of the month, flying over the valley twice before finally landing on a ridge and roar in a menacing way as he picks his prey. The best way to attack would be to catch the dragon by surprise. This is where a catapult would come in handy, as would the knowledge of how high the dragon usually flies. Bows and arrows or a crossbow would also be appropriate at this time and work as a great catapult substitute.
        Sometimes it is best to attack in a group. Rally the town against the dragon and have them prepare useful items such as nets, arrows, bows, and lances. A large-scale attack would call for some serious planning. An easy enough tactic to consider would be to have half the town serve as a distraction while the other half hides on the ridge. When the dragon attempts to land on the ridge, you could attack it then or throw a net over it and tie it down. Once you tie it down, take the weapon you had a spell cast over and slay the dragon. Such a task might sound simple, but carrying it out is often the hard part.
        Attacking the dragon usually seems like the best form of protection but it is not always the most effective. Killing one dragon just leaves room for revenge in another’s eye. It can also lead to other takeovers from other dragons, seeing an open opportunity on an unclaimed village. So for all those pacifists and constant victims looking for an alternative, this would be the section for you to read.
        Most of the time, dragons can be friendly, though those are hardly the ones that would attack a village. I would not recommend making amends with the ones that do attack your village; there is often a reason why they are attacking in the first place. Yet if you make the attempt and search out a friendly dragon, often a time these dragons will be friendly and kind enough to have a word with the unfriendly one.
        If time is not on your side for such a quest, then try bargaining with the dragon. Offer it ten sheep a year to not attack you. Give it suggestions on where to find better prey or set it on a neighbor you highly dislike. Ask it to attack after the harvest or when you are out of town. Some dragons have a fondness for the work of artisans, so offer it some of your best pieces in exchange for peace.
        If you are a knight-errant looking to protect yourself from a dragon, bargaining with the dragon can benefit you as well. Some knights have even been in league with dragons, earning extra profit as they go along.
        If talking fails there is always the obvious answer: move. Pick up your family and leave the tattered village. Rarely does a dragon attack a village over one person or follow a town member if they leave. For those of you being cursed by the dragon, this is not the option to choose. Extreme cases such as those calls for a sorcerer or sorceress to reverse the curse, I am sorry. If moving is impossible for you to do, try to remain inconspicuous. Nothing catches a dragon more off guard then the sight of an abandoned village.
        Not all of these tidbits may be useful, mostly they are just advice. Take the parts that are relevant to you and apply them to your dragon problem. If none of your questions were answered pertaining to how to protect yourself from a dragon, then consult a local village elder. Wizards, enchantresses, and sorcerers know a good deal about them too, so have no fear in consulting them either. If you don’t know where to find them, they’re usually the ones that live in the haunted forest that the oldest person in the village is usually going on about. Of course, when all else fails, just hire a dragon slayer. They generally love their jobs, and are workaholic types that will probably kill the dragon eventually even if you don’t pay them.

Reviews

[Laura E. Aranda]

CUte Cute Cute
Good luck in the contest! Cheers to the, er,....Dragon's Last breaths? ha!! Laura

[THE BLACK SEAL]

yeah this one gave me more than a few chuckles..

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This was great! I loved how it was written like one of those for dummies books! I think this story was very creative. You have a way with words! I loved it!