Lost

Feelings of today

I've lost time, am I too late?

I can't seem to find the sparkle in your eyes.

But I'm not leaving,

not until I find you.

Darling, yell back if you can hear me,

just one sound?

You're still here,

I see your chest rising and sinking.

I've lost time, am I too late?

The machines are flat and you're free.

But I'm here drowning in tears, 

still holding your gentle hand. 

I've lost time, am I too late?

It seems that I'm lost here,

without you.

Reviews

[Neal S]

Wow! This made me remember a time when I sat at the hospital watching and waiting for a good friend of mine to pass on. Very touching emotion in this for me. Nice work

[Kibbles and Quips]

Thanks for sharing, friend! When I read this, I read it as a song, I don't know if you're musically inclined, but I'd imagine this to be fun to fiddle around with with my guitar or piano; it has a natural rhythm and melodic quality.

My only reservation is on the line,

"I see your chest rising and sinking"

I like the sentiment you're going for but the passivity or softness of the gerunds dampers or lessens the weight and power of not just that line but the previous and subsequent lines. A lot of poets try to steer clear of gerunds outright, but I am of the philosophy where everything has a time and place. The other gerunds aren't a problem (in my eyes) but I think if you rephrase that line the poem as whole will flow much better and sound more powerful and be more emotionally confident.

That's just my two cents on the poem, though. You can do whatever you like with them: spend'em now, put'em in your pocket and spent'em later, or cast'em into a fountain wishing for better advice. The choice is yours haha.

Regardless, I really enjoyed the piece. So, thanks for sharing. Please keep writing!