awareness

i woke one day
i was aware,
i saw and felt,
mainly fear,
some curiosity

mainly, i just felt
by seeing,
i wasn't fully self aware then,
it came later,
i never came fully,
either

the pain intensified
to be sure
then,
the fear
it never left,
it will never leave,
it comes and goes in waves every day

i didn't know i was helpless back then,
because i wasn't sufficiently aware as i am now,
it's a relative thing

we think we're in control,
i can say it 'cause i'm human,
just like you,
if someone disagrees,
it may be on account of they may have large amounts of money,
or possessions,
you know,
s**t loads of material things to make them feel they're in control,
ask elvis or michael jackson,
if you see them in vons or savemart

we think we're in control because we have a job,
because we drive to work,
or make decisions,
because we have a cell phone or a car

we think we're in control,
but ask a fukushima survivor about that,
or a victim of chernobyl, or
hirohima,
or a survivor of hitler's concentration camp,
(i know some of these)

oh, damn,
the list is pathetically, depressingly, heavy and long,
and it's happening now,
under our noses,
all over the world

debt,
cancer,
irs,
a neighbor,
a lawsuit,
a family member,

murders, rapes, extortions,
stalkings,
thefts,
mental depression

wrenchingly,
tragically,
long lists of mayhem,
madness and teeth gnashing

we are not,
not in control,
the list of violence, madness, mayhem
anarchy and Godlessness is long

the what, where,
the how come

the ten commandments,
why are they even considered,
consulted,
outdated,
scorned,
reviled,
obsolete

it's the age we live in,
the era of pride,
God is mocked,
time is short

when exactly did i become self aware?
i will never know

i have many, many memories now

one day,
rather,
sometime,
somewhere,
i will awaken,
rather,
i will be aware

i don't know what my surroundings will be, any more than i knew the surroundings of my birth
when i did'nt know who changed my diaper,
how many times, or when

i didn't know who carried me from here to there,
or if someone tossed me into the air and caught me,
so much so, that i wasn't capable of fearing to be dropped

i don't remember a
near miss of a catch of me,
by say,
a drunken uncle

i'm tossed here and there now

every day i'm tossed
and i'm aware of it
and, yeah, i'm afraid,
because i'm aware

i don't know if i'll be caught again,
or if i'll be fatally,
mortally dropped,
the final time,
aren't you?

the past of my life came and went, quickly and suddenly

perhaps i will die suddenly,
as in,
it might catch me off guard

maybe my death might be prolonged,
before my last breath, dying on a road somewhere,
or on mountain,
or sea,
or field,
or foreign land,
or hospital bed,
or, . . . a fire,

a car crash,
a nuclear halocaust,
an invasion by russia
death by gun, or sword,
as in knife,
you know,
violence

i hate the concept of a grim reaper,
or angel of death,
don't you?

but i'm helpless,
i don't like hopelessness

i hate being helpless,
i'd rather never have known knowing,
it is what it is
is acquiescence to helplessness

it goes fast,
this life,
and we just are,
or is,
or were,
or will be,
helpless

and i'm in the dark, though we're surrounded by light,
artificial, or real,
or inner,
as in spiritual,
as in, from God himself,

you know,
the real God,
the one of the bible

the light is
illuminating,
sometimes bright,
and naked,
as under flourescents,
or surgical,
or from an epiphany,
or from a near death,
or supernatural experience,
as in from God

one day,
or night,
rather, at some moment,
now, or later,
or soon,
or sooner,
or soonest,
we will die,
no denying,
it's certain,
it'reality

we will awaken,
somewhere,
fully helpless and aware

we will feel
we feel pain,
or pleasure,
or joy,
or not

in these moments,
i wish i'd never feel,
i wish i'd never awaken

Reviews

[Pepper]

wow, this is really great. good job.

[RuseInex]

thank you Pepper, thanks for reading and commenting