Dreams

Random thoughts at 3 am

The people

Those 

dead people

They fell in from the side

booming thunder in

a cloud of dust

sneaking up behind me.

They crumble  

through the wall

Crashing past the broken places

and bringing 

all my wreckage down with them.

I don't know where they came from
But 

They are here.

They are in a heap

together 

and they are all 
just 

broken...

Just

bodies

just

Waiting for me to see them.

I turn to look and 
notice their

old 

fashioned 
fancy clothing...
They were dancing minuets
only a moment ago.

Why are they here?

They lay there wearing
their lace bows and tight black pants.

A leg over an arm over

a woman's dress

that is over

almost hiding

her child beneath. 

Once beautiful and naive and 

enchanting with their dancing...

Now they are just

Their white pretty shirts with golden cuff links and 

starched stiff white cravats. Once beautiful and flowing 

but now... 

They are straight jackets.

They didn't know to look

But I can see because...

They are me.

It's because of me,

I am the poison... 

I know it is my fault.

Somehow

They are mine.

They were having a celebration once and now
They have their grey faces and curled hair.
Curled hair that falls out of their fancy twists and 
drag onto the person below.

They have their mouths hanging open with their 

flowers and all I can see is a 

broken string of pearls

and blank 

staring

blue

eyes.
They are mine.

I'm walking through the hall of mirrors
but I can't see myself
I am invisible.

I smile and dance my own minuet
alone.
There's no music 
but it doesn't matter.
I can hear it in my mind.

I make my own music and I dance
while I look at them.

And as I twirl

I laugh. 

Reviews

[wordsofheart]

In my opinion,this was not at all silly. I would admit that it was a bit confusing at times but that's what dreams are mostly,just a jumble of different situations mixed up together. Reading it without a critical view,it stands up as a very thoughtful and deep poem.Nicely written!Well Done!

[S. D. Forogar]

This was VERY unusual. I can't review poems in the same way as I might stories, but I'm going to try to reciprocate my review in as decent a way as I can!

I was quite fond of the manner in which this character was expressed, as a cold sociopath whose very nature insists that she / he is insane. No description was needed, for the vividity of this character's mentality was such that I was EASILY able to both understand and appreciate them from a level of "Power." It's rare of me to see a character so well-done in my own field of expertise, as this.

The descriptive work that went into the first half of this poem, also, is something I should note for its goodness. I was greatly pleased with the scene painted by the author's words!

What I wasn't too fond of was two-fold. First, the terminology used was a bit amateurish, the vocabulary poor. Despite making sense, I just feel that 'stronger' words should have been used to really "strike" the audience with this scene, and so it did not realize its full potential on this note.

As well, I wasn't fond of the confusing ending, which seemed a flashback but in essence came off as just a spill of cluttered wording. I would appreciate seeing this redone in a manner more befitting the quality of the rest of this piece (perhaps even just being introduced in a more effective manner).

In short, I liked reading this piece very much, and despite its few flaws I would still recommend it as a good poem to others for both its literary quality and as a resource to follow by.

[RubyOmma]

Thank you for taking the time. :) I never know how to end things and it just seems to go on forever so I try to choose something from the lot of bad choices and pick the least bad one when I feel like I have to stop or there will be no end. I've been working on "showing not telling" but I'm not sure exactly how to do that, it's rather vague... I just started really a month or so ago so I'm happy for the constructive help that is not all fluff. Thank you. I am an amateur and honestly I kind of want my style to be simple and not wordy or trying to sound intelligent, to communicate with others about emotion over beauty of linguistics but hopefully find a mix (thus nothing rhymes). If you have any specific suggestions for how to improve, what lines stood out that should be changed and what you would have written instead, or words that you would have changed... PM me at you leisure! :) I already appreciate your time. Thank-you!
J

[shruthi]

it's indeed a dilemma between selecting words to appreciate this i'm simply smitten...
thanks a lot for sharing ur DREAMS.....
Pls continue writing

[RubyOmma]

thank you. :) I will keep on keeping on as we all do.

[shruthi]

the pleasure is absolutely ours....:D

[Mayank]

Damn scary, it chilled my f*****g spine. I love reading such pieces. I didn't find anything wrong with the flow or any error.

[yuki]

nicely done this is good thanks for sharing :)

[The Twin Arenas]

Yeah, it's pretty good. Was it a dream? I think I like things better when I know that they aren't dreams, although I'm guilty of letting that cat out of the bag sometimes myself.

In the sixth stanza you have one line that just says "so." it looks a little weird and kind of damages the flow, which other than that is alright. Flow is one of the toughest things to get right. Don't feel obligated to leave a line hanging out there and picked up again in the next one. Sometimes it works. It moves better. I don't know. It's weird.

Good piece, though. Lot's of good stuff in there. Should turn it into a story. Take care, bud.

[RubyOmma]

Thanks for the quality review. You;re right it does sound better without the So. I wanted a pause there when I was writing it, but trying it without seems a lot more fluid. Thanks for the time and actually offering a non-fluff review that has some helpful criticism! I sure appreciate it!

[The Twin Arenas]

noooo problem bud.

[ke]

i like the way it ended. It was unexpected, who knew it was a dream

[R Smith]

let's hope I never join you in one of your dreams, seems a bit too scary, although I would save you from the spiders, a remarkable poem and taken from dreams which is a good source for the poet, keep dreaming RubyOmma, then you will always be a great poet :)