She hurt me...

She hurt me...

A Story by RyanXIII
"

She broke my heart, i didnt leave it at that.

"
We had something, something amazing, well I did at least. I thought she did too but I was wrong.

She didnt just hurt me, she hurt my family, she verbally abused my siblings, and phisicaly abused my dog, what a b***h.

But she hurt me the most, mentaly, verbaly, physicaly, emotionaly.

But don't worry, I hurt her back...


I called her and asked her to come over I said she left some money in my room, she didnt and she knew she didn't but that b***h would never turn down money. Anyway I digress, she turned up shortly after the call and thats when I did it.

My intention was to tell her how much I hated her and how everything she had done had ruined my life but instead as soon as I saw her my head filled with rage and like a cheap party balloon, it popped.

I grabbed the first thing I saw which happened to be a pair of binoculars my father bought me years eariler. I walked over to her and she gave me that look... That "What the f**k are you doing now you sad loser?" look. So I answerd her, not in words but in actions. I lifted the binoculars and smashed them in to her face, her nose broke and began to bleed profoundly. She fell to the bed and for one last time I joind her on it, only this time wasn't to lick her p***y untill she came then patted my head and went to sleep... No this time was to continue smashing the binoculars into her face, again and again, by this point she was unrecognisable, I spat in the bloody mess, I felt good.

I noticed she was wearing the charm bracelet she had stolen from my young sister, I took it off her and slid it into my back pocket before leaving the house. It was only when the fresh air reached my lungs I realised what I had done.

I ran, and I didnt stop...

© 2013 RyanXIII



Author's Note

RyanXIII
Story for a competition.

Ex (Girl)friend, Binoculars and a lucky charm

My Review

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Reviews

I loved it, you can really feel that hate -- great piece of writing I love the way it builds up. The hit, murder and realisation, it worked well. I loved how he went of track and began rambling about money.

few points there is
"most, metaly, verbaly" wee typo there
"as Ii saw her" and there

Also on a personal level you say "I hated her" - from a purely subjective point of view I feel this piece would lend to itself more without the word hate. This piece is about hate, in my mind this entire piece is pure hate (with a wee sense of remorse)
But leaving the word out the entire piece become the word itself -- attempting to not sound pretentious here.

For me it's a precursor to the word itself. If I was to read this without hate being there it's what I would 'mediately think.

Posted 4 Years Ago


RyanXIII

4 Years Ago

thank you for your observation, i dont know i kinda like the word hate it shows his despracy in his .. read more
Hmmm. I use that prompt website too. Sometimes it's best to just leave exes alone. Haha. Anyway, I recognize the three words you used for your prompt because I've used them too. I would leave a longer review--I hate anything beneath ten lines--but I am a bit short on time, so I apologize. To sum things up quickly, your imagery was nice, there were a few grammar errors (particularly with commas) that you might want to look at, and I think perhaps you should really amp up the character's thoughts. Other than that, well done!

Posted 4 Years Ago


RyanXIII

4 Years Ago

Thank you for your comments, yes i suppose you can tell it was written in something of a hurry, and .. read more
Luna Evangeline

4 Years Ago

No trouble at all.
Wow, this was really good. At first this was a true story, and I got a little worried. But then I read the author's note, and I was relieved. XD But this was great! Nice job! :)

Posted 4 Years Ago


RyanXIII

4 Years Ago

haha im glad you enjoyed it :)
Dark Rider

4 Years Ago

You're welcome. :)

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Added on May 12, 2013
Last Updated on May 17, 2013
Tags: love, hate, binoculars, charm, ex

Author

RyanXIII
RyanXIII

Northumberland, United Kingdom



About
My name is Ryan I am from the north-east of England and I am A music Degree student. I love to write although I have no idea if im any good at it or not (I guess thats why im here). more..

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