Difference: Aphantasia

Reflections on being unable to visualize. Anything. Ever.

Difference. On the outside, I have not had much personal experience with “difference”.  I am white, middle class, Canadian.  Being a redhead has made me stand out a bit, especially as a child.  As an adult, I wear the label obese. But neither of those traits are really about me, more about the outside package.  I have experienced some peripheral and vicarious racism. I had a northern Canadian experience once, in my youth, where some of the elders had never seen a person with red hair. One old woman even walked up to me and touched my hair, all the while muttering to herself in a language I have never spoken. But the reality is, I was able to quickly step back into my safe space of privilege.

In my life, I also know many people with brain differences.   Some of my work over the years has included people who learn differently, have cognitive challenges, or mental health concerns.  But until recently, I did not have the words to describe what may actually be a fundamental difference in the way my brain works from the majority of the world.  Simply put: I do not think in pictures.  In other words, I do not visualize or have a functional “mind’s eye”.

Let me back up. In my younger years, I sometimes struggled with anxiety.   As a young teenager, I can recall being absolutely enraged and distressed when someone tried to teach me standard visualization/relaxation techniques.  I hated sitting with my eyes closed.  I did not have the words to explain it.  This was when I first became aware that: a) I was different b) I did not understand the difference and c) no one else could see or relate to this difference.

Fast forward 20 years.  During that time, I: received honor role grades in high school and completed a bachelor’s degree, got married, got a job, a mortgage. In other words, I am, in many ways, rather unremarkable.   I, like many people, have “quirks” that have become family jokes.  I can’t rearrange furniture or art in my head.  I don’t connect names to people well.  I try to put things in the car that can’t possibly fit.  The list is actually pretty long, but they all point to the same thing

A few years ago, in my mid 30’s, I had a conversation with my husband that changed the way I see myself in relation to those around me.  I always thought “visualize” was a metaphor or an analogy for “think about”. I had no idea people can actually see things in their heads! I stared telling people about this.  I was mainly met with confusion.  People were kind, but clearly could not understand.  That was when I realized: d) I could not communicate this difference in a way others could understand, because our experiences were extremely disparate and I did not have the language.

In July 2015, things changed in a rather jarring and, ultimately, amazing way.  The New York Times science pages published “Picture This: Some Just Can’t”.  Exeter University had identified and labeled this lack of visualization as Aphantasia (it is kind of amazing that we had so little understanding of the brain in 2015).  My son showed me the article, which I promptly ignored.  A few weeks later, I had a startling realization: I was avoiding a label.  I spend a lot of my personal and professional life normalizing labels as a way to help others, and yourself, understand and cope better, while assuring people labels in no way define a person.

So I read the article.  And cried.  I joined the ongoing study at Exeter.  And directed those around me to the article. I listened to Penn Jillette (you know, the eccentric magician) describe his brain processes, which are so similar to mine, in his podcast from June 28, 2015. And I started answering questions to the best of my ability: yes, I have a good memory and can describe things in a way that makes people think I can see them, but I can’t go back in my brain and check details, like what someone is wearing, unless I have made a mental note at the time.  I think in thoughts or words, but not in spoken words.  I believe I dream normally (with visuals), but I can’t be sure, as I cannot remember them that way.

I have learned a lot from my process. Because I believe that the human experience bonds us all and that we are all way more alike than different, I started relating my experience to that of others.  My “difference” is internal and does not express itself in any observable way.  Even when I tell people, I never experience discrimination or hate, just curiosity and sometimes disbelief.  I do not have to fight for my basic human rights.  I am in no way trying to minimize these realities for other people.

But there are some interesting similarities, too. As a youth, when I was not heard, I quit trying to communicate what was going on with me. I felt like “other”, slightly out of step with the world around me. When I finally identified what was different, I still could not talk about it effectively, because I did not have a common frame of reference with those I was trying to tell about it. I have felt the discomfort of people being fascinated by something that is just a part of me and hard to explain, while also being excited by their genuine interest. When someone offered me both a frame of reference and a community in the form of a label, I initially rejected it outright. Finally, I have found some excitement in finding out there are others like me. I have yet to tell anyone about this, who says, “oh, ya, me too”, but I look forward to this day.

 

Author's Note

Please have a look. I love to share human stories. And I do welcome questions.
Update: July 2016, the last sentence is no longer true. I met someone who not only seems to have Aphantasia, but did not know.

Reviews

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

I had never heard of Aphantasia before, so I searched it before reading so as to have a basic understanding. My search brought me to the very article you mentioned in your piece. It is amazing that this condition had not been recognized properly until 2015. You have done a wonderful job of writing this in a way that informs and is at the same time personal. There are times when in defining something that is peculiar to ourselves (or that we feel is) and giving it a name can actually be quite comforting. To realize that we are not alone in our struggle with it and to become connected with others who will be able to relate to what we experience can open up a whole new perspective. Comparing notes and experiences with someone who truly understands, instead of someone who does not have that frame of reference, can be very enlightening. Many things about each of us are unique in the blend of the totality of ourselves, but when broken down trait by trait it is amazing how many disparate groups we can fit into. This was a wonderful read and so well done. Thank you for teaching me so much more than the definition of a new word!

[Shannon]

Thank you for reading and the kind words. It was both enlightening and uncomfortable experience at times, to be sure!

[Saumya]

It is not your weaknesses or the disabilities that define what a person truly is, but it is actually the brighter, different side that makes one shine😊

I've personally witnessed many, suffering from various nervous system disorders, but one thing I've found in common is that, tho the've been deprived of some important functions of their brain, but the other parts works excellently well, often move actively than the normal men and women😊...You, my friend are one of them!

I've seriously never had an Idea that you've been a sufferer of Aphantansia...And neither does your writing convey that to me as a reader... Sometimes the mere thought that we are the sufferers, make us suffer even more..Tell yourself, that you're happy and healthy and you'll see the change.
Because as the saying goes:

"As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he"

Let yourself know, that you're normal, and you'll be one😊

Thankyou for sharing this info about yourself, Shannon!

((((HUGS))))

Saumya.

[Richard🖌]

First, Shannon,
Let me say how beautifully written, interesting, and (for me) entertaining this candid accounting of your inner mental workings truly is.
Considering your mind-view, it is absolutely amazing your writings paint such vivid verbal word pictures, expressed to the degree of creativity and imagination they do.
You are a truly amazing person, Shannon, deeply mysterious and engaging in a charming and captivating way, and even more-so, due to the manner in which you discern the world around you, must less, how you express it through your compositions.

Uniquely mystifying, You indeed, are! ⁓ Richard : )

[Kathy Van Kurin]

Shannon,
"Difference; Aphantasia
You are in a wonderful time in your life haveing realised a unique aspect of who you are.
I found this personal aspect of a personality very interestin because it points out one more facet of the human face.
We are all so different. Stereotypes can be a limiting tendency and you are not defined by what others think but by simply being your own unique self.
Blessings,
Kathy

[Shannon]

Thank you Kathy. I think the way my brain works might be an important part of my writing.

[Kathy Van Kurin]

You are most welcome and I know you will just keep on enjoying your writing and sharing in this world.

[Einstein Noodle]

how very interesting! i appreciate you sharing this very personal side (sides) to you ... i had a small construction business for about 15yrs all together and fully understand people who do not easily "see things" ... i never thought it as anything more than different than others who can ... as people explained their project .. it went to drawings and perspectives to beginning to build ...as that progressed it was quite a treat to see those with Aphantasia to begin to "see" .. and how incredible that it was described as a condition waaaaaaay back in 1880 and not studied nor publicized until so very recently .. thank you for educating me ;)
E.

[Shannon]

Thank you for the read. I sometimes ask people, especially those who are great reviewers, as I think it impacts my writing and reading both (not necessarily a bad thing, just different).

[Quinn]

Really interesting. I did not know about this in the same detail as here. I do know people who experience similar things. Really interesting and rather powerful.

[Samuel Dickens]

This is quite interesting, and something I'd never heard of until this moment. Always trying to figure others out, as I do, this knowledge is bound to be useful. We sure are made from different recipes, huh?

[Shannon]

Sometimes it's helpful to have an understanding of the possible ingredients. Interestingly, on the internet, most of us don't seem to identify the difference until into our adult years.

[Shannon]

Oh and thank you for taking the time to read and review!

[J Manuel]

Very moving and personal, thank you for sharing and expanding my horizon in references to Aphantasia, I did do research into it once I read your story. This is fairly new and could only imagine where this study will head in the future. You are blessed to have such a supporting family; I would imagine you are working on a memoir regarding this matter for the purpose of self- healing and bringing awareness to others. I see where you said you are a storyteller: definitely write a book. Thank you again.

[Shannon]

Thank you for making it here, J. I am glad that this journey held some meaning for you. Yes, I have a great family. And this is as much as I have ever written on the topic. It was the thought that spurred my venture into writing, a year ago ( wow, does it need polishing...). But thank you for the kind words.

[J Manuel]

Well I say with the utmost respect, you need to venture more into this topic by possibly becoming a trailblazer in bringing awareness to this topic to the world. Best, J

[Lemonade]

Interesting! I've never heard of this term before, though I can rotate objects in 3D in my mind, thus having no reason to consider terms for when people could not. My mother cannot, however, so perhaps this is something I shall look into for her. I cannot see her being interested either way, but knowledge has never been a bad thing.

A naked insight into you. It is so rare to find such without shields and lace to cover it up. Kudos to being so open about yourself.

[Shannon]

Thank you Lemonade. Having never seen a picture in my head of anything, imagine how shocking it was to realize most of the world was doing this?

[Lemonade]

Indeed, and I myself cannot imagine being unable to do so. Curious how our (un)experiences make us so blind to the world, isn't it?

[Dante Carlisle]

This was definitely something that I wish I could call eye-opening, but it's an idea I've had for years. I constantly meet people that don't remember things or think about situations in the same way that I do. I decided to start trying to discover how everyone around me thought, and discovered that many people seem to focus on one particular sense when they think/remember.

While Aphantasia is obviously a bit different from this, it's definitely along the same strain. So this isn't that hard for me to believe, and I have to expect you get a lot more practice than the rest of us at descriptions using nothing but words, rather than simply relating a picture only you can see.

[Shannon]

Thank you for the review. The challenges on a site like this are two fold. Remembering that most people actually want more descriptive language than I would ever read and my tendency to skip or skim the visually rich sections as I find them.... dull. Making me a poor reviewer at times.
I do not believe I experience any senses in my mind, but it can be hard to think about how one thinks.

Thanks again for stopping by.

[AUU]

Excuse me for my bluntness, but what an interesting perspective this gives you. I'm sure it is a struggle, one that you seem to be working well at because of your passion for writing, but I can not help but be enthralled in what your world must be like.

I'm am a 100% visual person. It's how I learn, it's how I do.

Do you find yourself more clinical than the average person; straight facts and such? Like can you make up words or phrases and attach meanings to them?

If I write, "A monkeybird fell on its peachy balloons." Are you lost?

Can you puzzle out what a monkeybird is? Or if I told you to explain what a peabobin is would you break down the word or would you simply make something up?

I'm sorry if this is rude.

[Shannon]

Bluntness perfectly acceptable. I sent you here as we got reading each other's writing specifically so you could get an idea of my perspective in reviews. And perhaps a little insight into my writing style.