Inevitable

Inevitable.
Falling upon
Leaving only
Darkness

Wait.
Look
Do you
See it?

There
In the distance.
That glimmer
On the horizon.

The first ray
Breaking through
Chasing darkness
Striking out

Turn towards it
Tip your face upward
Feel the power
Let it transport you

Absorb the warmth
Carry it with you
For combat when falls
Darkness.

Author's Note

All constructive feedback always welcome, especially in regards to punctuation.

Reviews

[Hi]

I like it. There is an urgency to the piece, but with resolve. The terse breaking of lines adds to the building of emotion. Thanks.

[Shannon]

Thank you Matt, I appreciate the read and your thoughts.

[Great Aunt Astri]

I like the 'urgency' of the second verse, emphasised by the short lines. Lovely 'morel in the tale' of the last verse. Yes, we certainly need the warmth when darkness falls! I'm not sure why you titled it Inevitable? Because night follows day? Loved it.

[Shannon]

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed. I feel as though it's inevitable that one will need to look for the light sometimes and arm themselves against darkness. Just like night is.

[William Liston]

This is a well-crafted poem with an effective metaphor for portraying how life can be. The nuances in this poem transition seamlessly, with the first stanza creating despair and the second conveying optimism. I also like how you maintained originality in this piece by not using the "light at the end of the tunnel" cliche; you instead made it your own and alluded to it with subtlety. From a more technical standpoint, I believe that the line breaks, stanza breaks, and overall punctuation and grammar work well.

One part that tripped me up, though, was the first stanza. I feel like you could make it clearer what exactly is "falling upon leaving only darkness." I can assume that you're referring to the "inevitable" (as mentioned in the first line), but I feel like you can make it more connected, with the two parts connected as one sentence. Something like:

The inevitable
falls from the sky,
leaving only
darkness.

Also, I suggest making the "do you see it" into one line, not two. As two lines, it felt awkward as I read because I paused after the word "you."

Another critique: I suggest making this poem uniform in its punctuation style. The first three stanzas use periods and commas while the last three do not. Also, if the line "Wait." has a period, shouldn't "Look" have one too?

Hope this was helpful.
Happy writing.

- William Liston

[Shannon]

Thank you William. I really appreciate both the positives and the constructive feedback.
read moreThank you William. I really appreciate both the positives and the constructive feedback.

You are right, I don't believe we should wait for the light at the end of the tunnel, but gather ourselves and get there.

I couldn't decide whether to include punctuation. Or remove it all.

I understand the phrasing comments and will definitely consider that you.

[William Liston]

Sorry to be a bit annoying here, but the "read more" didn't work for me. If you don't mind, could you please repost your comment?

[barleygirl]

I love the way you've put together this dance in darkness & light, which represents how life can be, sometimes empty darkness & sometimes a ray of brightness. I like the way you inject your sparse descriptions with intensity, like the anticipation that's gradually growing from stanza 2 thru 4 . . . then the joy imparted in stanza 5. I feel like I've been transported just reading this! *smile*

[Shannon]

Thank you barleygirl. I am glad it resonated with you. Yes, it was a reminder to find one's light and keep it.

[barleygirl]

"Keep one's light & keep it" . . . this has been my struggle ever since our country went wacko with a new prez consuming all the oxygen. Being back on this website is a sign that I'm finally mastering the need for finding my light & shining it thru my writing, rather than writing about the strife & angst all around (((HUGS)))

[Zoya]

I've read quite many poems with a similar theme as this one, but you portray it in your own beautiful way. Truly optimistic! There's always a ray of hope, and you prove it here. Well written!

[Shannon]

Thank you, I think we probably all need another reminder on occasion. Glad you enjoyed.

[Zoya]

My pleasure

[James]

Living on the coast (east coast) this reminded me of standing on the pier and watching the sun rise, it is like an explosion, a huge burst of light then the orange ball of ignites everything for just a few moments, then everything is peaceful.

[Shannon]

Thank you for reading. Glad that you were able to connect it to your life.

[J Manuel]

First, I took the denotation of the wording to translate into nature and its correlation to the Sun only. On the second read, I made the connection to the personal connotation of hope and there always being tomorrow. The first line in the first two stanza’s are very impactful due to the end stopping, its makes you think. The first and last stanza completes this encouraging lovely piece that I highly enjoyed. Thanks for sharing.

[Shannon]

Thank you for the kind and detailed review. Always appreciate when people connect with the writer.

[Pete]

hopeful and uplifting. thought provoking piece. i like the bit of drama you built in. well done with catchy title that grabs. fighting the good fight armed with hope. a pleasing read.

[Shannon]

Hello Pete. I feel like we all need the reminder sometimes. Simple to say, not always easy to do.

[Pete]

true & true ...

[Dave]

Shannon - this is so powerful a piece of writing. While I read it over a couple of times I couldn't help but to think of the musical piece Sunrise from The Grand Canyon Suite.

Have you ever heard it, silly me I'm sure you must have. So so powerful like your poem.

Take care - Dave

[Shannon]

I am not familiar, but I will check it out. Glad it touched you.

[Dave]

Please try it. It's on YouTube. It's by Ferde Grofe a Frenchman who was so impressed with the Grand Canyon he wrote this piece.
Take care - Dave

[Ana Papaya]

That's a great feeling. That warmth heals and inspires. Really like what you've captured here.

[Shannon]

Thank you. It's easy to forget sometimes, isn't it?

[Ana Papaya]

Yes, reminders are good. :)