Shut Up!

Shut up! I scream at the wall. Why can't you just leave me alone? 

But they don't listen, 

They never do. 

I pound my fist on the desk and scream, 

Unable to stop the thoughts that have taken over my brain. 

They whisper poisonous lies that I can't help but believe, 

Sending me into a dark spiral of anxiety once again. 

Why can't you just be normal? 

They mock me, playing my fears and insecurities against each other. 

Why did you do that? That was so stupid. They all hate you. They think you're pathetic.

I bite down hard on my lip, 

The pain temporarily bringing me out of the chaos my thoughts have become. 

Focus, I tell myself. 

Don't let them control you. 

But it's no use, 

The thoughts are back and they're out for blood. 

I cringe, my body tensing up against the attacks occurring inside my head. 

I take a deep breath and try to pull my mind out of the pit of despair it's fallen into.

You're okay, I tell myself. 

They're lying to you, they're exaggerating, it's not true. 

You're okay. 

I repeat this to myself, 

Trying to believe it, trying to stay afloat, trying to silence the thoughts. 

But they're persistent and clever, 

Sneaking in through the cracks in my defenses, 

Tearing them down from the inside and leaving me vulnerable and weak. 

I close my eyes and scream again. 

Shut up! 

I can feel myself sinking under again, 

Getting stuck in the quicksand that fills my mind, 

Pulling me deeper and deeper into self-pity and hatred.

I glance around at my surroundings, 

Trying to find something to ground me, 

Something to focus on to keep the thoughts at bay. 

You're such a failure. No one actually likes you. They all laugh about you behind your back. 

I bite down on my lip again, this time drawing blood. 

The pain helps me focus and I hate myself for it. 

I take another deep breath and shake my head, 

Attempting to push the thoughts away, 

Trying to return to reality. 

You're okay. 

I repeat it over and over again in my mind until I can almost believe it, 

Until it almost drowns out the thoughts, 

Until I can almost focus on the world around me. 

I close my eyes and focus on my breathing. 

When I open them, 

I am finally able to return to the world around me, 

Pretending that nothing happened, 

Pretending that I'm normal

Pretending that nothing is wrong.

Reviews

[Ed Hart]

yes, i know that voice well, it roamed my mind for decades, a constant self cursing, self loathing...the good news is that it is quite natural, and can be eased and quieted down, until it is a disgruntled whisper, and finally gone...

[sabine]

That's good to hear, I'm glad that it doesn't last forever. Thank you for you review and your perspective on this, I really appreciate it.

[James Whitefall]

Overall I like it. Sure It could use some work, but I can see the scene in my head and I can really appreciate what your writing about. Anxiety and panic are tough emotions to deal with because of how irrational they are. Still, in the spirit of helping each other grow as writers, or as people who enjoy the craft of writing my comment would be to edit this down to the raw emotion.
Several lines could be removed without losing the feel and intent. I would also remove the obvious parts where you wrote,"I did this to myself". I felt the "myself" was implied and didn't require a label. Another thought I would like to add is the ending. I really liked the final 4 lines, but the last three I thought would sound better like this.

I am finally able to return to the world around me,
Nothing happened,
I'm normal,
Nothing is wrong.

Again, I thought the pretending was implied and removing those words brought a stronger impact and feeling. In all honesty I actually read it like the above when I was reading it because of that. As always, it's almost impossible to judge creativity because it wasn't meant to be judged, hence I didn't leave a rating, only a review. Thanks for the read.

[sabine]

Thank you for the feedback, I really appreciate it

[apersonfullofthoughts]

I love the power and emotion of this. As someone who suffers with anxiety for now over 9 years I can relate greatly to this. Great job expressing the struggle of trying to hush your mind.

[sabine]

Thank you so much for your feedback. I'm glad to know that somebody can relate and that I'm not alone in my struggle