Who I Am

Who I Am

A Poem by Sahm Moore

it’s unsettling, living as long as i have and realizing you’re a stranger to yourself.
who i used to be never imagined, even in the vast uncertainty of a future full of as much fear as excitement, that this would be who i am today. 

an accident leaving me physically disabled�"possibly; cancer�"maybe. 

there was no reason for a confident, popular kid to even consider it.
i’m not sure where that girl went�"if it was an imperceptible evaporation, unnoticed until it was too late or if it was cataclysmic, clearly severing my life into a stark reality of before and after. 

when “i’ and “me” now speaks of “her” and “she’. 

when, looking back, i can see the path, the road she traveled�"the sense it made.
and now, spinning on my heel I see only fog�"a mist, weighted with guilt, incessant questions of what i’ve done or what i’ll do and a heart so heavy it’s becoming too much to carry.

i worked today, as i do. 
people were out with stomach issues or complaining about world affairs. 
while i typed and answered questions with smiley emojis masking my incurable mind, i contemplated how easily i could step out of this life. i silently imagined their reactions. 
i wondered how many others sat at the end of a keyboard imagining the same thing.
this is who i am now. 
accepting that is tough. 
trying to manufacture a floating hope in a brain flooded with despair, exhausting you as you try, in vain, to cork the cracks.

it never stops. 

when you’re rallying, to make yourself get up and shower; when a friend wants a chat; when your dog needs to eat. 

i’m lazy? 
i just need to get outside?
try some exercise, you say? 
i’m sorry, i’m busy doing battle against myself in a war i was drafted into; grappling, trying to find my path or forge a new one as my mind drops bombs, lays traps and shoots rounds of friendly fire. 
i'm sorry.
this is who i am now.

© 2017 Sahm Moore

Author's Note

Sahm Moore
Not a poet :) Just thoughts and feelings.

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Added on July 30, 2017
Last Updated on July 30, 2017
Tags: Poetry, Thoughts, Feelings, Depression


Sahm Moore
Sahm Moore

Austin, TX

As a gay kid in a small Texas town I knew I was different than a lot of my friends. I wasn't sure where or how I fit in. So, I fell in love with books and worlds I so easily drifted into. Looking back.. more..