Who I Am

Who I Am

A Poem by Sahm Moore

it’s unsettling, living as long as i have and realizing you’re a stranger to yourself.
who i used to be never imagined, even in the vast uncertainty of a future full of as much fear as excitement, that this would be who i am today. 

an accident leaving me physically disabled"possibly; cancer"maybe. 

there was no reason for a confident, popular kid to even consider it.
i’m not sure where that girl went"if it was an imperceptible evaporation, unnoticed until it was too late or if it was cataclysmic, clearly severing my life into a stark reality of before and after. 

when “i’ and “me” now speaks of “her” and “she’. 

when, looking back, i can see the path, the road she traveled"the sense it made.
and now, spinning on my heel I see only fog"a mist, weighted with guilt, incessant questions of what i’ve done or what i’ll do and a heart so heavy it’s becoming too much to carry.

i worked today, as i do. 
people were out with stomach issues or complaining about world affairs. 
while i typed and answered questions with smiley emojis masking my incurable mind, i contemplated how easily i could step out of this life. i silently imagined their reactions. 
i wondered how many others sat at the end of a keyboard imagining the same thing.
 
this is who i am now. 
accepting that is tough. 
trying to manufacture a floating hope in a brain flooded with despair, exhausting you as you try, in vain, to cork the cracks.

it never stops. 

when you’re rallying, to make yourself get up and shower; when a friend wants a chat; when your dog needs to eat. 


i’m lazy? 
i just need to get outside?
try some exercise, you say? 
i’m sorry, i’m busy doing battle against myself in a war i was drafted into; grappling, trying to find my path or forge a new one as my mind drops bombs, lays traps and shoots rounds of friendly fire. 
i'm sorry.
this is who i am now.


© 2017 Sahm Moore



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Author's Note

Sahm Moore
Not a poet :) Just thoughts and feelings.

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Added on July 30, 2017
Last Updated on July 30, 2017
Tags: Poetry, Thoughts, Feelings, Depression

Author

Sahm Moore
Sahm Moore

Austin, TX



About
As a gay kid in a small Texas town I knew I was different than a lot of my friends. I wasn't sure where or how I fit in. So, I fell in love with books and worlds I so easily drifted into. Looking back.. more..

Writing