Greenbacks

done for devons' MONEY contest

Greenbacks

 

pay me in kisses with a lot of tongue

with a roll of the dice or

a mean poker face

i don't want your money

just give me your hands

to wash, to want, to worship with words

the warmth of your skin smoother

than silk, the green of your eyes

as crisp as the dollar

send me single white roses

unsullied by greed

i scorn the sharp edges of silver and gold

make me yearn for the heat

of your lips on my skin

in laughter, pay up, the wiggle of my toes

in moonlight, in chocolate, in poetry (so bad)

oh baby, you best put that wallet away...

 

Author's Note

just a fun little thing i threw together ;)

Reviews

[B0Beauxs]

You are so good with your descriptions! You go into such detail and create very beautiful and very vivid imagery.

I am once again wishing I had your ability :P

[Antonio Valentino]

You need to, just throw words together, more often. This was fun and warm, and uh... cough ... sexy too! What a wonderful poem Sara. I don't see your request here being a problem at all, like Helen of Troy, the graceful lines of your charm could also launch, a thousand chips.

Antonio :)

[Truly Ross-Wisehart]

...and fun it was! Nicely done. I'll have what SHE'S having!

~True

[just rose.]

I like this. The structure of the lines (though not the topic) reminds me a bit of John Donne - the thought that came into my head were the penultimate lines of "A Nocturnall Upon S. Lucies Day, Being the Shortest Day" which are:

Let me prepare towards her, and let me call
This hour her vigil, and her eve, since this
Both the year's and the day's deep midnight is.

there's just something about how you broke the lines that made me think of that. the alliteration is pitch perfect here, and the topic, filthy lucre, made very sensual by your choice of words.

[Y.F.]

...And a fun read it was indeed. :)

To be honest, lines 1, 4 and 5 made me think of a 'prostitute with a heart of gold' when I first read them, but by the end of line 6 that notion was completely gone until the last line when I thought about it again.

I guess money nowadays has become the glue that holds everything together, and sticks to every possible subject, even romance. I guess my objection to this idea was the reason I've felt such sympathy and admiration towards lines 10-11 - "send me single white roses; unsullied by greed" - such a great wordplay and an amazing metaphor.

Also didn't miss the pop culture reference - "a mean poker face". Not a big fan, but that's just my own personal taste talking. Aside from that everything here is just marvelous.

Good luck in the contest! :)

[Rodrick Franklin McLare..]

Saved for a rainy day.... thinking maybe too personal. I enjoyed the writing of a goofy story. An nice image of the child, that still there in the back ground of your joy and expressions of your writing.
Neat day and started sunny, warm to well warmer. Like this piece.
Careful in its explicit small way. Racy. with an edge.
Contained, for that one someone. Your theme, green eye guy!
Shows us your style. I keep expecting some day. That picture to look
up an smile. That would be something to write about.... Great work
...Ro... Going to work some on. 'Sunny in Wonderland' Ozzie... whatever

[J. Randall Dodd]

sara,

excellent poem, considering the short time frame in which it was written. i enjoyed it immensely :) just one thought, and it ties in with ann's comment. i too find the "on my skin" slightly distracting(in purely a visual context), due to the brevity of the line. might i suggest:
make me yearn for the heat
of your lips upon my skin

just a thought, but the first part could be assumed to be sexual acts until the reading of the next line; which is still sexual in nature, just not blatantly so. and i think upon would work better than "on" simply for euphonic reasons.

great work as always. later and keep writing.

sincerely,
jr

[Annette Jay Sweeney]

I really enjoy the distinct style you wrote this in. You have a great sense of word choice. It makes the read very pleasant. I do feel the line, "on my skin" may be a bit too much with these three words being stuck by themselves. Sure, there are other lines with three words, but since they are so short it's a little distracting. It's not a big deal, but maybe finding a more careful balance would help. If there was distinct reason for this to be alone to convey meaning, ignore my statements :).

I like that you used the parenthesis! My creative writing instructor used to try so hard to get me from throwing those in there, but I tend to like it. (so bad) haha.

The last line works very well for you. Good job!

[Devons]

This is class! Top class. I love this already! It's really quite sensuous and almost cute. Especially that last line. Ticklish! And this is great...

"the warmth of your skin smoother
than silk, the green of your eyes
as crisp as the dollar"

From a male point of view: Seductive...

Great title too actually.