Mantra of the Transient

Mind and heart;

disjointed rhythms

united dreams.

Flowing through the aether,

spiraling down the drain.

What am I even doing...

Hope is for those who yet

beseech the fates for mercy.

Damned if I don't know better

than to search the sky for succor.

But I want to believe,

somewhere in a glimmering sliver

of a memory drowned in despair,

there's still a light on inside.

If only I could find the key.

All I ask is to give me a sign,

some providence to assuage my fears,

that the ends outweigh the means.

Just once, stop messing with me.

I'm not fighting this war for fun.

Mind and heart;

disjointed rhythms

united dreams.

Drifting along ephemeral winds,

wistfully desperate for a chance.

Just let it all be worth it

in the end, after all this.

There has to be a purpose

some profound, perfect plan.

Time is all I have to give.

I've waited,

clutching tight to ambiguous

shreds of tarnished grandeur,

convinced that Eden's gate

is just around the next corner.

I've survived

everything you've thrown at me

so far, but not without scars.

But everyone has scars,

what right do I have to complain?

... Right?

Mind and heart;

disjointed rhythms

united dreams.

May the rains fall heavily upon my head

to shield the cinders of my aspirations.

Reviews

[kitty blur]

I enjoy the repetition of those three lines - mind and heart, disjointed rhythms, united dreams. Although I can't quite explain why, it makes me feel the same way that I feel when I look thru a window during a storm, like feelings of uncertainty and subtle sadness as well as introspection. And that's kind of what I got from this poem. I feel like there's a need for closure from the person you're writing about, whether that closure means reassurance that things are okay between you two or closure in the sense of letting go and parting ways. There's hope here, too. You can't let go and you don't really want to, but it hurts to not know if it's worth it. I also enjoy the ambiguity of the prose. Key words in there triggered strong images and feelings for me. I also really appreciated the little "normal" sentences in there ("what am i even doing" or "just once, stop messing with me"). It was a nice contrast to the heavy language used throughout.

A critique, if I may: I had to look up a lot of the words you used in order to know what you were saying. I admit that my vocabulary is lacking, but it might be difficult for others to grasp the meaning behind your poem if they don't take the time to open up a dictionary.

Overall, I enjoyed it. :) I tend to write in a more direct way, so I can really appreciate when someone uses vague descriptions that still give me a tangible emotion, as it's kind of the opposite of my work. I'll definitely be reading your work again.

[Sazaku]

First of all - thank you for such a well-constructed, incredibly constructive response! In all honesty, I've never really received much feedback on my poetry in other mediums (even face to face, go figure) so your words come as both a shock and a pleasant surprise. I really appreciate it.

I always love hearing from people what thoughts my words bring to mind. I'd like to claim that everything you mentioned was an intentional stroke of my hand, but I will also admit that much of what you say was indeed swimming around in my head at the time of this piece's creation. Particularly the bits about closure and that lingering, if dwindling, sense of hope.

I'll admit that your critique had me deep in thought for several minutes. It's not something I really considered before, but it's certainly something I'll be keeping in mind from now on. There's nothing fun about getting tripped up in language when you're trying to read for enjoyment, and I'll be the first to admit I'm overly prone to wordiness. Thanks for bringing this to my attention, it very well could be why I haven't had that degree of feedback before I'd been hoping for.

Phew, long rant aside, I'm glad I gave this place a chance. Thanks again!