Stray

Walking through a midnight clearing,

cast in dazzling moonlight, gleaming.

The path I travel down this evening

has led me to an unlikely meeting.

Winter's come to claim the land

in lazy waves of porcelain sand

spilling from Her supple hands.

Crafting our magical wonderland.

Beneath the dusty veil of frost,

upon the field our paths first crossed;

until a moment ago I'd been lost,

now I see it was worth the cost

of wandering out here in the cold,

smothered in the forest's fold.

What started as a thoughtful stroll

has led me to this snowy knoll.

Buried in the powdery down,

covered in a russet gown

blazing against the ivory background

like the scarlet sky at sundown.

I knelt down in the crunching snow,

brushed the mound that started to grow.

Your tender eyes had lost the glow

that I had come to want to know.

Take my coat, wayward child

of these frigid, forlorn wilds.

Come inside with this fellow exile,

together we'll find your feral smile.

And perhaps within your fragile gaze

I'll find a way through my own maze.

I'm not good for much these days,

but it'll have to be enough, little stray.

Reviews

[Chryiss]

How very darling, indeed. I smile so at your end, little stray, truly a lovely way to end. To being with, I'm not the biggest fan of complete rhyming poems, and to very honest, until the stanza
"beginning of wandering out here in the cold,
smothered in the forest's fold.
What started as a thoughtful stroll
has led me to this snowy knoll."
I wasn't enjoying this poem half so much. I think the reason why I'm particular with rhymes is that it can limit the language and imagination of connected lines in order to fulfill that rhyming requirement. For instance, "until a moment ago I'd been lost, / now I see it was worth the cost." Lost and cost are such common rhymes that evoked nothing. And again, the too perfect sounds of land, sand, hands, wonderland," not to mention the repetition of land. It's like the words die at the end which is such a shame since "in lazy waves of porcelain sand" is such a beautiful, unique image. This is why I liked the rhymes after the aforementioned stanza. They were more unusual and created that rhythmic melody without being too singsongy or bland in content (like the trite "worth the cost"). With all that said, it's incredibly hard to make an appealing rhyming poem, so I applaud you truly for a feat well done regardless of all I said. I truly enjoyed your phrasing, images, and the adventure we took to the very satisfying end.

[Sazaku]

I admit, I'm a little out of practice replying to comments, so sorry if this ends up long-winded-- I really try hard to decouple "myself" from the piece itself, letting whatever I've written stand for itself, without me giving the reader all the answers. I put that in quotes because it's a little laughable to think about sever yourself entirely from a chunk of your soul, as poetry often amounts. But I'd gotten into a habit of saying that, then in replying to comments I'd accidentally give up the goods without realizing what I was doing. Anyway, before I rant on that part forever, let me actually get to the point; that is, such well-crafted, constructive criticism really deserves me to get off my lazy... wrists, and say thank you (and anyone else that potentially felt slighted by my silence) both for this review and the others, cause I always read them all. Every one, and they always brighten my day.

Let me start by saying, I don't disagree with your points about sing-songy poetry; it would probably surprise you and many readers of mine to know that I'm not a big fan of it myself. However, I feel there's a distinct, tangible difference between poetry formulated as a rhyme scheme, and a rhyme scheme sewn into poetry. Some (a lot) of my poems are built-- rather, driven-- by whatever overarching structure comes into a piece early on, largely haphazardly, and I don't think several pieces (including Stray) would exist without said organic structure. It strings me along as I write, forcing me into creative spaces rather than concrete, as the words I scribble down oft' come off the tongue rather grumpy, dispossessed of much but the imprint of my gnarled mind. The metaphors especially come from this process, as I am particularly atrocious as yanking those out of a hat.

All that said, I totally get what you're saying, and if I thought I could get the same... resonance without it, I'd certainly try. There's at least a few pieces in the cobwebbed antechamber of my gallery that don't rhyme, those might help to evidence my point. There's just something left out of those that I found when I gave rhyming poetry a chance, cause believe me, I didn't like rhyming at all for many years. Lady in Black was my first dive into the rhyming deep end, and while I don't know if it's all that special itself, I think it marks the point (to me) where my words found themselves.

This poem is due for some revision soon, as it's one of my favorites and I'd really like to see it bloom. I'll definitely take your points under consideration when that happens. My word choice indeed often belabors underneath a forced rhyme scheme, and could use some TLC.

Thank you again for super helpful critique and I'm really glad you liked it nonetheless.

[Chryiss]

Wah~ And thank you for such a thorough response! I do agree with what you said about rhymes. As I admitted, I'm rather harsh with rhymes, but when well done, I do enjoy them very much.

Certainly for this piece it was necessary for "stray," and I would be sad to see the piece changed without rhymes as it really adds to that delightful ending.
To be fair, I'm harsh only where my expectations are high after reading or enjoying a part so well that I wish the rest could stand up as equals to it. That in short is how I felt concerning the latter half to the former half of the piece. But even then, it's not so clear cut as to the first versus second half. The imagery is perfect as is, it's just those darned rhymes.
I can definitely see how rhymes can allow us to explore beyond just as it can constrain. It's like most poetic forms in a way.

You're welcome, and I look forward to future pieces of yours. :)

[Sazaku]

You're not harsh. Critiquing others work often feels that way, or perhaps MUST be that way to be sincere, but I always prefer specifics and truth to mystique and pats on the back. It's hard for me, at least (probably just so with most) to see larger errors in a piece after I've slaved over it for hours, sometimes multiple days, then left it to dry for a while. So it's extremely helpful to know where another mind stumbled, or found it not up to snuff. Thanks again.

[Nolo Segundo]

Congrats on your well-deserved win,my friend. You do indeed have the rare ability to make the rhyming scheme seem 'natural'.

[Sazaku]

Thank you. A lot of effort goes into making my words sound 'natural', even though it's by no means an arbitrary process (most of the time). I'm glad when it actually turns out well in the end result. There's really no (good) way of knowing a rhyme is belabored until someone tells you.

[KTizzle]

You did such a fine job at describing a winter wonderland visually so much that I wished you had incorporated other senses. I was so brought in by the first stanza. I wished I got to know what this magical wonderland smelled like. Could you hear the whisper of the snow? Does snow whisper or does it talk at all in the magical, winter wonderland?

I thought this line here, "blazing against the ivory background" made me stumble a little bit. I found the term "ivory" to be redundant. You've already described the place as winter-like so ivory just disrupts the flow for me, but that's just my opinion.

I guess the vagueness of what the narrator found was supposed to let the reader decide for themselves what this person had found. I wonder if it was a cat or a dog.

Thanks for posting!

- Jazz