Drowning

 

 

One day, I'll look back on all this and laugh. One day, I'll be beautiful and finally able to stand up for myself. One day they wont be the ones laughing, I'll be. One day, I'll be strong enough to face any mirror I encounter. One day I'll be famous and my story will finally be told.

I could go on believing that, but I would be lying to myself. I mean, I've been lying to myself for years. I thought that if I followed what the therapist said and looked straight into my mirror and told myself I was strong, beautiful, that I was invincible and could do anything, I would be fine. I tried. I didn't try hard enough. I can't. It's just not in my nature. If I look in that mirror, I'll end up crying over how ugly I am, and all the love handles that I have. I have a terrible self image. My parents don't seem to think that. Especially my mother. I hate her so much sometimes. She's the reason I'm like this. Mostly the reason. She thinks that if she keeps yelling at me, I'll gain some self confidence and start taking care of myself. She must think, "Oh, yell at her some more and next thing you know she'll think she's Beyonce".

Wrong.

The more I watch all these shows about loving yourself and all that other crap, the worse I'll feel. God. They're so annoying. I just want to scream "Shut the hell up! You're just making us ugly people feel worse!"

Sometimes I just think that if I was erased off of this stupid Earth, things would be better. But I just can't do it. The other day I had the kitchen knife in my hand. But I just couldn't. I'm scared. I can't, even though I want to.

You don't need water to feel like you're drowning.

Author's Note

This is just a journal for me to vent, let things out. I don't want criticism on it. Thanks.

Reviews

[Gianna Perry]

I just finished reading a book for my summer reading, and I took something from it. The American culture plants this vision in every person's mind of the perfect person: beautiful, skinny, and muscular. When girls feel that they can't compare to this image, they begin to hate themselves, saying 'I'm too fat, I'm too ugly, I just want to be like the models.' One of the speakers in this book said that we spend too much time worrying about how we look to others, that we get so caught up and lose ourselves in this culture. We need to make a culture of our own, where we accept ourselves for who we are and say, this is me, I am who I am. Being the skinniest or the prettiest won't take you places in life. It's who you are and what you believe in. It's one of those be a leader not a follower situations.

I can understand that you feel like you can't look at yourself and be happy. We've all been there. When you open your mind, and stop worrying about how he people around you see you, you can learn to accept yourself.

I really hope that you're okay, because getting worked up over an image isn't worth it in the end. What matters most is accepting yourself for who you are. :)

[Veronica]

I just don't get why people think their so ugly when their not. At all. We're all beautiful in our own special way, no matter wether we believe it or not. To all those people out there who think nothing of themselves- your special in your own way.

[Alex Thomas]

I'm actually crying right now. I've never been depressed, but as I read this I can feel your pain. It's hard to write these words. You're strong enough to wake up each day and put down the kitchen knife. That is more impressive than physical beauty. Look in that mirror and only look into your own eyes. Remember that past your eyes is a kind intelligent soul with so much to offer in this world. Girls feel this way about themselves all the time and it is the downfall of so many bright people in this world. You will never be erased from this earth, somewhere, somehow, someone is dependent on you for a smile, a laugh, a poem to soothe their own troubles. Whoever is laughing now, obviously isn't worth your time. Live on, feel alive, and love much.
With sincerest hopes for the future, Alex Thomas.

[Kelly Taylor]

It doesn't matter what you look like. As long as you yourself think you're beautiful, you're beautiful. This is so relatable; every girl feels like this at some point. And the last line is a great metaphor that ties it all together perfectly.

[Kirbetsy]

i agree with sam. SMASH MIRROR TO PIECES!!!! You're beautiful on the inside and thats all that counts!

[~Z]

...and whose to say you can't keep your head above water? You've done it for this long. Why not swim to the shore? You don't have to go straight narsassistic (excuse the spelling) like my brother is. (He can't pass a mirror without winking to himself in it, I swear...) But please, of all the things, don't hate yourself. I may not know what you look like, or how you act around other people, but I know you're really good at writing. Really good. And you seem like a good person. You may be shaking your head and laughing, but you know it's true.
Eh, whatever.
Sorry for sounding like a nutjob. Forgive me for that, will you?

~Z

[Sam Cambell]

Your message is so true, and you conveyed the dark emotion you were feeling so well that I'm almost embarassed posting a comment and ruining the deep meaning with my profile picture of a chicken's behind.

Beyonce. She looks terrible without make up. And smash that disgusting mirror with a rock. It always lies.