The Beginning

Rain drizzled against the ground outside a large stone building, the fall season brought monsoons, and that night was no different. Inside, a man sat listening to the raindrops fall to their deaths from unimaginable heights up above. The thought of thousands of tiny beings dying in a matter of moments caused him to smile a dark and sinister smile. Though those deaths did little to quench the lust inside of him, the undeniable desire to destroy the one who made him as he is. To rip out the still beating heart of his brother is something he daydreams about, but how could you kill an immortal if you cannot create? It is an impossibility.

The steady beat of rain is disrupted by the unsteady clobber of feet as a human stepped into his chamber, “Master?” The human stared into a pair of dark, anger-filled eyes, and the fear he felt while running to his master is increased ten-fold. “Master Ralek, I-I found one,” his voice quivered slightly as he got onto his knees, touching his forehead to the cold, wet stones beneath him.

Some of the darkness fled from Ralek’s murderous eyes. “Rise,” his voice, though a whisper, boomed through the night like thunder. Though his immortality may be gone, his power was not. The human followed his command and jumped to his feet, keeping his eyes to the ground. “Bring it to me.”

Shaking more from fear than cold, the human put his fingers to his lips and let out a loud whistle, alerting his soldiers outside to bring their captured prize inside. Two burly looking men, both wearing the same black uniform, marched inside with a large glass cage held in between them. They set it down with great care, then retreated outside, closing the big stone door behind them, not being able to stand the overwhelming presence of their god.

Ralek looked at the glowing cage, hunger in his eyes. Ten thousand years I have waited, ten thousand years I have searched, and now, my time has come. Ralek raised his hand and, with great difficulty, summoned his sword. Dark energy pulsated of the blade, wrapping itself around his hand. The power he felt through his weapon is miniscule compared to what it used to be, but for now, it was enough. With gentle, yet eager, hands, Ralek opened the glass cage, releasing its captive into the large stone room. Once dark, it now burst into a brilliant white light. The creature, a Xish, whizzed around the room, coming to stop in front of Ralek’s face. It’s small eyes blazed with intelligence and it frowned at him. ‘Why do you contain me so?’  It asked, the voice not speaking physically, but in Ralek’s mind.

“My salvation,” he raised his blade, touched it to the Xish’s tiny head and smiled in pleasure as its screams fill the room as its life energy, given to it by it’s master, now long dead, was ripped from its body.

“Why…? Oh… It’s you, it’s you… may the world be protected from your evil grasp...”

The dark energy pulsating from his blade only made Ralek’s smile grow, the lust inside

not quenched, but expanded as he got a small, but intoxicating, taste of the immeasurable power he once knew as an Everlasting.

The screaming continued as Ralek ripped the soul out of the tiny Xish, laughter, rarely heard, escaped his cold lips. His eyes, blue in his mortal body, returned to their deep shining violet as Creation blossomed in his veins, accompanied by Destruction, two forces he had dreamed of controlling for centuries. The desire to be more than he has been, to be all that he can be, seemed like a possibility now.

Drained of it’s former glory, the Xish fell to the ground as an empty husk. Ralek towered over it, his entire body was a swirling mass of anger and corruption. With a simple wave of his hand, the ground began to shake and crack, the winds began to rage, the oceans stormed and cities crumbled. The power Ralek now possessed was not enough to completely destroy the planet of Tenrashé; however, it still caused devastation on a global scale, killing millions, changing life, sculpting it into a world no one knew, with him at it’s head as the Everfallen king.

With the world now his, he pointed his sword at the ground of his stone chamber, still in one piece, and watched as the dark energy on it lurched forward, taking the form of a human. It soon solidified, the smoke turning into scaled skin, glowing violet eyes, much like Ralek’s, and elongated claws. The new creature turned to Ralek, giving him an evil smile, revealing dozens of sharp teeth. “Your Majesty,” it rumbled.

A whimper escaped the lips of the human soldier who had brought this unbelievable power to Ralek. Having completely forgotten his presence, and not wishing anyone to be alive that witnessed what he had accomplished, Ralek pointed his blade towards the human, “Kill him.’ With a guttural growl of pleasure, the beast pounced on him, tearing into his throat as the man’s screams echoed throughout the chamber, the first of thousands.

Reviews

[JayG]

• The night air was brisk and cold; nevertheless the man sitting at his workbench in the middle of his forest was drenched with sweat…

The problem you face is that you’re “cheating.” When you read the first word you already have a picture of the scene in your mind. You know who he is, where he isoin time and space, and what’s going on. So for you the words call up memories, images, and story, all locked in your mind. And that provides context. But for the reader, the words call up memories, images, and story, all locked in your mind. So for them, the words mean what they suggest to each reader—based on their background and experience, not yours. So right away there are problems. What image would you expect the reader to hold when you use the word workbench? Mine includes a drill press, a vice, and and a grinder. I’m guessing that your image doesn’t. And since I've not seen a workbench in the forest, don't know the kind of forest, the time of the year, or day, I can form no mental image of the scene.

You call the protagonist a man, but then talk about his “breathing life” into his creation. Perhaps it’s me, but none of the men I know can do that. So obviously, your definition of the term "man" and mine don’t coincide. But they must if I’m to understand as you hope I will.

The problems a writer faces are significant, and must be overcome if the reader is to appreciate the story. One approach to doing that can be found here: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2015/05/13/inside-out-the-grumpy-writing-coach/

The problem you face is that you’re talking ABOUT the story as you view it in your mind. But as the owner of the picture, the words—as I’ve already mentioned—will call up the necessary data—data the reader doesn’t possess. And though if the reader continues, they will eventually figure out what you mean, they won’t read on, because readers positively hate being confused. And any information they eventually learn can’t retroactively erase the confusion. And worse, if they do stop reading, it matters not at all that the story is good because they won’t see it.

So doesn’t it make sense to pick up a few of the tricks that have been developed over the years to hook and keep the reader? The better you understand the needs of your readers, and what they don’t like, the better your story will be from the reader’s viewpoint. The better you understand the limitations and strengths the medium imposes, the easier the job gets.

So taking a bit of time to “bring yourself up to speed,” is a wise investment of time—and perhaps a few dollars.

Like any profession writing has its tricks of the trade, and specialized knowledge not obvious to those outside the profession.

So, some suggestions: first, you might want to dig around in the writing section of my blog as an overview of the issues that may need your attention. Then, look through the local library’s fiction writing section. That can be a huge help. And while you’re there see if the system has a writing book by either Dwight Swain, Jack Bickham, or Debra Dixon. They are pure gold.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Obscured by the Shadows]

This was absolutely the most helpful review I have ever gotten. I never even thought about not having the reader understand the imagery. None so far have told me so. Thank you for that wonderful insight, I will definitely look into your blog and adjust accordingly.

[JayG]

Well, you have a second copy now, because for some reason, though I refreshed the page it didn't show. So I went to dinner, came back—and since another refresh didn't show it, reposted.

So now, I suppose it's twice as good. ;)

[JayG]

Never mind, I see what happened. I had looked at chapter one before I finished the critique, and didn't notice that after I posted it I must have closed the page, and what was showing was chapter one. Duhh.

[Obscured by the Shadows]

Haha, smooth as glass.

[Raeven]

Enrapturing. I loved it. There's a few very minor things wrong with it, such as word choice, but overall I'm very interested in seeing where this story goes. Very good job.