The Silent Song

The Silent Song

A Poem by Shasha
"

Listen to the song of the silence, the unheard voice.

"
Let's pause the song we were listening to
And put on the song which was once unheard
The song on which our soul danced
Away from the grieves of the cold
In the warmth of the room inside the room
Stepping on the floors of the heart.
A song with which our words sang
A song which proposed the unspoken
Let's try to listen to the whispers of the silence
The song played in the deepest place of the heart
The song sang by the sweetest voice
Sweeter then the nectar of flowers
The voice can't be heard by anyone
The song of the silence inside.


© 2017 Shasha



Author's Note

Shasha
What do you think?

My Review

Would you like to review this Poem?
Login | Register




Reviews

Hi, Sasha,
There are a couple of grammar aspects to this piece that caught my teacher’s eye you might wish to understand and address, if you’re interested in improving on your poetry writing skills.
1) Using "the" throughout. The amount of "the" words you’ve used are akin to hammering nails all over a board, when two or three would suffice to hold it securely in place.
2) This effectively nulls poetic voice.
3) Keep mindful of "speaking" lines … remember, this is a poem. Think of your "syntax" (the manner in which your poetic voice speaks).
4) English, not being your first language, I suggest letting someone whose first language is English read and edit your work for unusual grammar issues before posting it. This way, you’ll have an opportunity to see and discuss any English issues, and learn quickly from your mistakes, therefore.

Remember, Sasha, few will make the effort to correct you, either on your English or your poetic efforts.

I am going to take the liberty of editing your poem into a poetic form that will be easy for you to study and understand technique and poetic voice

(your original version)

Let's pause "the" song we were listening to
And put on "the" song which was once unheard
"The" song on which our soul danced
Away from "the" grieves of "the" cold
In "the" warmth of "the" room inside "the" room
Stepping on "the" floors of "the" heart.
A song with which our words sang
A song which proposed "the" unspoken
Let's try to listen to "the" whispers of "the" silence
"The" song played in "the" deepest place of "the" heart
"The" song sang by "the" sweetest voice
Sweeter then "the" nectar of flowers
"The" voice can't be heard by anyone
"The" song of "the" silence inside.

(your edited version)

This song we’ve been listening to,
let’s pause and play a song unheard;
one to which our soul once danced
away from grief of cold,
into a warm room inside a room,
stepping on hearts’ floors …
a song which our words sang,
proposing what’s unspoken.

Let's try listening to whispers of silence,
a song in our hearts’ deepest places,
sang by voices sweet,
sweeter than flowers’ nectar,
unhearable by anyone …
our song of inner-silence.

Posted 3 Months Ago


Wonderful use of words and thoughts. I agree. Sometimes silence is wonderful. In a world of noise and rare peace. A private beach or a deep forest. Perfect place to gather our minds. Thank you Shasha for sharing your amazing poetry and thoughts.
Coyote

Posted 8 Months Ago


Shasha

8 Months Ago

Yes actually,
Thank you Coyote for your wonderful review!!!
Coyote Poetry

3 Months Ago

You are welcome Shasha.
It's a wonderful concept you've got yourself here. And you've made the first lines very intriguing and that gives such perfection to the poem. Love it!!

Love,
Vasilees.

Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Shasha

10 Months Ago

Thanks Vasilees! You are a true inspiration!
Wonderful write :) The words have been placed very well :)

************************************************************************************************

Posted 11 Months Ago


Shasha

11 Months Ago

Thank you very much Anand!
Very nice and thanks for sharing your wonderful talent.

Posted 12 Months Ago


Shasha

12 Months Ago

Thank you very much, Roxane!
This is top-notch writing becuz of the way you think about your topic . . . your viewpoint is relatable & your way of writing is to SHOW instead of tell. We all understand the "silent unspoken" parts of life, different for each of us, but it all feels the same, so it connects us. Love your style (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

Posted 12 Months Ago


Shasha

12 Months Ago

Thank you Margie! I love to read your reviews. I think that understanding in the greatest gift one .. read more
I, Silente, approve greatly, hah... But in all seriousness... An almost melodic feel, and wistful wandering of phrase... Spot-on rhymes, and a twisting journey that left me wanting more, but sweeter than nectar of flowers sting... I guess I leave without a voice... Beautifully penned...

Posted 12 Months Ago


Shasha

12 Months Ago

Maybe! Haha!
I think if we continue then this thing will never end.
Silente

12 Months Ago

But who wants it to end...!
Shasha

12 Months Ago

Oh! Alright then,
I smiled harder! Haha!
Great piece, I quite like your choice of words. Also like the freedom each reader has to work the poem out into something that works with their lives. Great job :)

Posted 12 Months Ago


Shasha

12 Months Ago

Thank you Willa! Really pleased to hear that from you!
Wow! Your new technique of using vague sort of imagery is just great!
I'm hoping to see this usage in your future poems too!
Keep writing!

Posted 1 Year Ago


Shasha

1 Year Ago

You are a true friend Soumya! I will try to.
Thank you very much!!!
Soumya Deouskar

1 Year Ago

Great! All the best for your future writings!

Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


Stats

287 Views
9 Reviews
Rating
Added on October 13, 2017
Last Updated on October 13, 2017
Tags: Song, Silence, Soul

Author

Shasha
Shasha

Where there are many voices but one sound, the country of love, India



About
You are inside a maze, stay here forever or find the way out. more..

Writing

Related Writing

People who liked this story also liked..


Search me... Search me...

A Chapter by Dr. YumnaKay