The Unemployment Road

Slowly, she got into her car, buckled her seatbelt, and pulled out of her parking space. She pulled her car up to the exit of the parking lot. Pausing, she considered which way to go. Right would take her home, where the inevitable awaited her. Left was escape, the downtown paradise of momentary forgetfulness. It was only eleven; the mall would be almost deserted.

She knew she had to go home. She had to call Phil, tell him what had happened, how she’d screwed up. Again. The internet was awaiting her return, full of opportunities she would have to take advantage of. It was vital she start right away. In the present economy, it would be almost impossible to find a new job.

Then again, that had been a very humiliating experience. She may have been fired three times before, but this had been the most mortifying of them all.  Maybe it wasn’t such a horrible idea to take some time to recover, nurse her wounds, possibly have a beer. It would probably help calm her down, a necessity before the stressful journey facing her.

Her stomach twisted guiltily. What was she thinking? She had to go home and be the responsible wife and mother she was expected to be.

Another prickle of guilt stung her. Her children. How was she going to support her two children with no income?  A sudden fear gripped her. Elise’s violin lessons, Stephan’s baseball uniform, each cost more than Phil could pay on his own with his measly paycheck. No, she needed to get home, to her computer, and start applying at places.

Groaning, she remembered the internet bill was due in three days. Could she use the internet shamelessly when she was contributing nothing to pay for it? She couldn’t possibly expect Phil to work any harder than he was to pay their bills alone. Taking on more hours was an impossibility for him. He was killing himself as was.

Resting her head on the steering wheel, she let her long list of doubts and worries wash over her. In many ways she regretted getting married at nineteen. She’d been too young, too naïve. She should have put it off, gone to college, listened to her friends when they told her she was crazy to want to settle down already. She was twenty-eight now, and in way over her head. She couldn’t even hold down a job, let alone sustain her family. Even her parents had disapproved of her decision, and they’d married at eighteen.

She was an idiot. It had taken nine years to understand what a massive mistake she’d been making. Now she was bearing the full culpability of her judgment.

Tears welled in her eyes. No, they didn’t, she just wished they would. She couldn’t go home, not yet. She had to turn left, away from her house. She needed to take some time away from this responsibility. It would only be for an hour or two. Who would know the difference?

                Again, guilt flooded her stomach, making her queasy. She was a horrible wife, a terrible mother. How could she think such a thing? This situation called for her to step up and take full responsibility for her blunder. This shirking of responsibility wasn’t like her. Of course she would go home and call Phil and start looking for a new job. That was her priority now. And, to make up for her inappropriate behavior, she would make Phil his favorite dinner: steak, mashed potatoes, and asparagus. Maybe she would bake a cake for the kids. Only, without any income, she would have to look for a cheap substitute from what she usually bought.

Suffocation. That was the first word that came to mind, thinking of cooking for her family. But it wasn’t just cooking, she reasoned, it would be shopping, then cooking, then cleaning, then helping the kids with their homework and getting them ready for bed, then probably sex…

When had sex with her husband become a chore? Sighing, she closed her eyes. Somehow, marriage and having kids felt more like an unpaid job (hard labor) than any sort of joy.

Quickly, she attempted to stifle the thought, swallowing her bitter pride and wallowing in attractive and mind-entrapping guilt. Her forehead slipped on the wheel, sounding the horn. She shot up, startled. Looking around, she wondered how long she’d been sitting there. She didn’t dare check the clock and know for sure. Instead, she turned her head right. Craning her neck, she tried to see her house. She knew perfectly well how silly she was being; her house was ten minutes away, around several corners and down many streets. It was impossible to see from where she sat. Still, she kept trying, even unbuckling her seatbelt and hoisting herself onto the dashboard and straining her eyes in the general direction of her house. She didn’t know why she was doing this. It was ridiculous. Even as she knew that, still she tried.

There’s no place like home, she thought pointlessly. There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.

Suddenly, she slumped back in her seat. No place like home indeed. She was losing her mind. This latest failure had finally cracked her, making her insane. Driving seemed like a bad idea just then. She needed to get a hold of herself before taking on the dangers of the road. The road of unemployment…She didn’t know why there was a little excited jump inside when she thought of that.

Leaning her head back against the headrest, she shut her eyes again, trying to get herself back to a sane place. Folding her legs Indian-style and placing her hands palm up on her knees, she began ohming. She’d never meditated before, never even considered giving it a try, but now seemed as good a time as any to start. She ohmed and ohmed and tried to clear her head. Instead, she started giggling. What was this supposed to be accomplishing?

Snap out of it, she commanded herself. This is no laughing matter.

But strangely she couldn’t stop smiling, grinning like an idiot. She’d lost it for sure now. Getting fired wasn’t supposed to make her feel good. There was something wrong with her. She should be devastated, frightened, helpless. She felt light, happy…free. Anything could happen now, any job could be hers. She would look into college courses tonight, maybe sign up for nursing classes, or psychiatry. Yeah, a psychiatrist. It was perfect. She’d tell all of her clients right off the bat to get themselves fired. It felt great.

She laughed out loud. Wasn’t she being just the little idealist? Of course she wouldn’t do that, not any of it. She would go home and take care of her family to the best of her ability while searching for a new minimum wage job. Nothing would change. Everything would stay the same safe, boring, secure way she’d always known it to be.

Opening her eyes, she noticed a cop idling at the stop sign. He was eyeing her curiously, wariness wrinkling his brow. She could almost read his thoughts: What was this crazy lady doing sitting at a crossroad, grinning herself silly and making no move to turn, not even flickering her turn signal? It made her laugh even harder. Who knew she could make a cop leery of her? She was rather proud of that accomplishment.

If he asked her what she thought she was doing, she would tell him she’d just found out she was pregnant, was just a happy mother-to-be reveling in the joy and hope of a new family. That was how she wanted that cop to remember her. She hoped he would ask.

But he just sat there, watching her, suspicion growing in his face. She realized it was time for her to move on. She’d filled her quota of strange behavior for that day.

Feeling ready, almost eager, to face the phone conversation she knew was waiting for her at home, she knew there would be no more procrastinating. This responsibility was hers, Caitlin Joan Etheridge’s, and she welcomed it. Slowly, releasing the clutch and easing on the gas, she edged out into the crossroad, her turn signal flashing. Waving cheerily at the cop, she turned left and began driving.

They would never find her.

Reviews

[Amanda Dawn Sanderson-G..]

I felt really close with this character and I can understand what she is going through and if I don't find work soon, then I'll be stuck in the same predicament, only I am twenty three, not twenty eight. But I have two children (plus a stepchild we want in our lives - we all know what child support is like) and plenty of bills to pay and my husband is an Iron Worker and when he does have work it's never 40hrs especially in this economy... so I felt connected to this character and I completely understood every one of her emotions... and sometimes it does feel like one will go insane with so much responsibilities on a young ones shoulders. The only difference is, on my part, there is no regret and I'll fight every ounce of the way to make it to where I want my family and comfort to be... and I wish she had not turned left... but it was a nice twist (or turn, I should say) to your story. Great work, I loved it.


PS. The cop didn't come to ask her what her deal was because he feared her insanity... teehee...

[.shalynn.009.]

"the internet bill" Iinternet should be capitalized. Also in this paragraph, you used the word "was" a lot

"Everything would stay the same safe, boring, secure way she’d always known it to be." This sentence was confusing. I don't think "way" was the right word...

"Feeling ready, almost eager, to face the phone conversation she knew was waiting for her at home, she knew there would be no more procrastinating." This sentence needs revision

I like this. I liked the repetion of threes and that her house was to the right (obviously the "right" decision) yet she went to the left. Surprise ending! Loved it.