Hear my cry

Hear my cry

A Poem by simba
"

Running running running leaving that life behind, optimism, hope, pain sorrow

"
Emaciated I can go on no more
Exasperated from the pain
Hunger erupts beyond my bones
Like a baby I lie, knees pulled up tucked in, I clench my stomach tightly

I pray to something, someone
Will anybody find me, hear my cry
Thirsty my withered tongue blistered by the translucent rays that burn the fibres of my bones

Life flashes before my eyes I see into a previous life
Beaten and bruised
Scolded and scarred
Tortured and starved

My dark reality has come

Suddenly my now precarious predicament doesn’t seem so bad
I wonder the life I should of had free from suffering
free from the guilt and pain

Carried by the feet of a humble man

His rescued me

But am I truly free


© 2018 simba



Author's Note

simba
Honest reviews please

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Reviews

I really enjoyed this write, Laid out nicely and written well in my opinion

Posted 8 Months Ago


Hello, Simba, thank you for entering my contest again! :)
This was an interesting read.
Suggestions:
Line 14- "should of" = should have
Line 17- "his" = maybe he or he's
And throughout, I suggest adding punctuation or editing the layout to clearly show your thoughts.




Posted 8 Months Ago


I feel some emotions through out this.
you express yourself well.

Posted 8 Months Ago


I like the new last line.

Posted 8 Months Ago


I like the whole poem especially the part of "life flashes before my eyes" part cause it's true life passes by so fast. And I really felt the emotions you wanted to portray.

Posted 8 Months Ago


simba

8 Months Ago

Thank you I’m glad you enjoyed it I have since edited the structure and changed the last line
This was a very good poem that picks up on some very strong emotions and how hard people fight to survive. The imagery in this was so powerful, honestly, it was just flashing before my eyes. I really liked the structure of the earlier verses but I would have to agree with the previous comment in that since the other sentences were broken up into several parts, it just seemed a little off that suddenly it was all one line (that could purely be my OCD though). I really liked that you added the flashbacks of this persons life and I really enjoyed reading this. I look forward to reading more of your works.

Posted 8 Months Ago


simba

8 Months Ago

Thank you for your review I like constructive feedback I’ve edited the structure and hopefully it .. read more
AliceBarnes

8 Months Ago

Re-reading it, yes, I think it does. Thank you for being so nice about my comments, I hope they help.. read more
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RWE
Strong content, and good job conveying deep emotional struggle, especially pain and fear. You also express hope (i.e., "I pray to something, someone"), and prayer, if nothing else, is evidence of hope.

This poem also seems like a deeper journey of self-discovery and reflection. It leaves the reader hurting but hopeful.

As for structure, you might consider breaking the last sentence into two lines, with a power statement in the last line. Just a thought.

Posted 8 Months Ago


simba

8 Months Ago

Thank you for your review I like constructive feedback I’ve edited the structure and hopefully it .. read more
RWE

8 Months Ago

Yes, it does. Great job!
strong V1 in my opinion..like how you used alliteration to open L1 and 2 ..
does it challenge you to find another way to say "red hot son" ? ;) i thought at first this was more metaphysical; ... i wonder who this is and where they are and what brought them to starvation .. makes me think of all those places in the world that have had epidemic starvation to this day ... closing line reminds me of my Lord Jesus and His gift to us all ..that does free us truly ;) and so then i think this is about a starving soul .... lots of ways to take this... universal in its scope .. gives me good fodder for me noodle this morning any way it is taken
E.

Posted 8 Months Ago


Einstein Noodle

8 Months Ago

oops .. meant sun .. just wondered if you thought of other ways to say it ... isn't it grand how our.. read more
simba

8 Months Ago

Lol I wasn’t sure what you were implying, do u think ‘translucent rays of heat burn the fibres w.. read more
Einstein Noodle

8 Months Ago

respect my friend ..much respect ... yeh..i agree ..all that occurs in our lives can be a part of ou.. read more
Such an emotional read, I can really feel sadness in this, but toward the end, it feels you have hope. excellent write.

Posted 8 Months Ago


simba

8 Months Ago

Thank you for your review

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290 Views
9 Reviews
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Added on December 31, 2017
Last Updated on January 1, 2018
Tags: Fight, survival, hope, optimism

Author

simba
simba

United Kingdom



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