I can bear no more

First draft

With a heavy heart I say too thee,
I can bear no more,
I can't shake this feeling,
Its all still so roar...

I don't have control of this feeling,
this dread inside a gut wrenching lonliness,
no solace to find

No words can be spoken,
no breath can be taken,
a heart breaking whimper whispers through silence

Free is what the aim is to be but even in this silence I'll never be released,
cleanse me of these shackles this burden that rests upon me

With a heavy heart I say to thee goodnight my sweetheart what will be will be

Reviews

[lightsong]

this weights with a heavy burden over our hearts, real strong emotions of despair, gloominess and huge pain sweep through Your words unto us my friend, Your grieved moments are alive over Your page, this is what a well written poem can let us feel, but I surely don't want You to be in that very hard situation at all, it's all a period of time and hopefully this stage will end soon when You have the courage moving on to a next one, as Your last lines offer from behind them.

all the best of wishes and blessings I wish and send You my friend.

[barleygirl]

I'm not a fan of heartbreak poems that are all about pain. But despite my built-in bias, I like your poem becuz you express this pain in artful ways using strong comparisons, not just plaintive wailing. I do like to see a storyline have some development, like a narrative that goes from dark to light . . . (just a hint since you mention this is a first draft). I love the last line, which gives me the idea this heartbroken narrator might wake up with a new determination to shake off this pain! (((HUGS))) Fondly Margie

[Onlyme]

So heartbreaking, suicidal emotions of disappearing and going gone.

[Wannabewriter16]

This is absolutely amazing writing but its also bery sad. Im sorry your going through this and I hope you get what you need. Remember theres ways a light at the end.

[Einstein Noodle]

oh man! so sad .. its palpable ... our wants; and both perceived and real needs, do shackle us ... i think we all go through this many times before learning the truth...we can "stand it" ...it is not "too much to bare" .. if we ask to have it removed it is but its like ..OK ..you didn't "get it" ..now lets start all over again ;)
E.