3. The abuse

Steve a 59 year old man, small in stature but bulky in muscle. Steve has two children Jess 12 and Ben 8. He would often take us out and buy us things. I liked him. After a few months Steve asked us to move in. My mother said yes.

I shared a room with Jess and the boys shared with Ben, one evening Steve came up to our bedroom and asked us to tidy up, we did as we were told and tidied up but unfortunately it wasn't how he liked it. He flipped he tore the the covers of the bed and tipped the bed upside down and told us to tidy again. His behaviour was unrational.

Then Steve decided we needed to move house, so we packed our bags and moved into a bigger house. He even converted the attic. As I started secondary school Steve behaviour began to become even more unpredictable. One evening myself and Jess were in the bathroom when Steve walked in, he barked at Jess "cover her eyes, it's ok you've seen it all before" those words to this day are ingrained to the back of my skull...was it some kind of warning? Perhaps he was bragging! I didn't think much of it untill now, my adult self thinking back.

Then a couple of days later he let himself into the bathroom while I bathed, he ordered me to stand up and began to fondle my breast. Age 11 I didn't understand what had happened, I didn't even question it. This began to become a regular occasion. I would dread the times I would come home and shower. Next time I showered I would try and pile up my clothes in front of the bathroom door to try and prevent him from coming in but it never worked. I remember I would flinch sometimes almost to say leave me alone but his bellowing voice ordered 'keep still', I had no control.

One morning he called us one at a time into his attic room, he laid me down on a towel and told me to open my legs he began trimming my pubic hair..... Embarrassed and ashamed I laid there silently unable to move. Was this my life now?

As time went on I became completely numb, emotionless I never cried nor did I get any pleasure from his sick behaviour, I was an empty shell. Crumbling on the inside strong on the outside.

Ben was always very naughty and we would often get the blame. He would beat us with lats of wood from the bunk beds, as pain reared through my bottom, I learnt to hide the fear and terror I felt inside me.

One night I was awoken by Steve at midnight my mother working nights at a local care home, the boys in bed and Jess at her friends. I thought I was dreaming at first when he woke me. He told me to clean the kitchen and put the washing on the line, then when I was finished he called me into the front room where he sat on his arm chair watching porn. He told me to sit on his lap, again I did as I was told. He proceed to tell me how he was going to show me how to be a grown up, he tried to kiss me....I started to scream I began to fight back.....

Reviews

[Onlyme]

I can understand how you felt. I also suffer from sexual abuse. Bravo to you for speaking out. And making yourself heard. I know this is not an easy thing to do.

[barleygirl]

This is one of the most intensely-told stories I've ever read about childhood abuse, and since I had this experience myself, I have read hundreds of stories like this. Your ability to dig deep & share these details so openly, even in an understated way, without playing anything up, like you aren't even thinking about people feeling sorry for you as they read your story. This story will touch people down to their toes. When you have not lived this, it's really powerful to read about it, the way you tell your story so starkly & honestly (which I love!) As a survivor myself, I am amazed at the similarities between these stories, the way the same crap is done. I'm so sorry you had to live this. Even tho your book title is not my favorite way of looking at abuse . . . the way you tell your story, I know you honor the victim as well as the survivor inside you -- we can honor both! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Simba]

Sorry that you too were a victim, it's horrendous every day Canberra a challenge but we have to try and keep our heads above the water and stay strong and not let these b*s***ds win. We can and will get through it.

[barleygirl]

I am 62 and I just started feeling "healed" in the last ten years. It can take years to shake off the after effects of abuse. Be patient with yourself as you heal (((HUGS))))