Chapter Twenty-One

A glitter of hope (that'll probably just be taken away, 'cause I'm a horrible God.)

-Rema-

I woke up with a pounding headache and an unsettled feeling caused by strange nightmares I’d been having for the last four days straight.

It was always the same.  A creature I can only describe as a demon, with black skin like coal and much too long arms with talon like claws stalking me through a forest.  It had this large mouth with huge teeth that reminded me of a shark, always curled up in a frightening grin.  

It stalked me through the trees, stopping whenever I turned and staring at me with these empty black eyes without any white whatsoever.  Every night, it got closer and closer to me, until it was feet behind me and then I’d wake up.

I walked into the kitchen and began brewing some coffee.  Frey was passed out on the couch and Kacia was sitting at the table, looking hungover and exhausted.

“Scars was sneaking out again last night…” She said with a groggy, but catty voice.

“Stop calling him that, it’s extremely insensitive.” I scolded.   I was quickly getting sick of her s**t everyday.

“He came home with blood all over his shirt.” She added, “I’ve noticed that a few times with him.  Blood on his clothes, smeared on his hands, in his hair...”

“He cuts himself.” I told her, like she didn’t know already by the bandages always around his wrist and the razors that kept going missing.

“Yeah, I know he’s a f****n’ emo kid trapped in a grown a*s adult’s body, but seriously, do you really think he goes outside just to cut himself?  He does that s**t in our bathroom most of the time, not outside.”

I shrugged, “I don’t know.  It isn’t important though.”

“Uh, yeah it is.  There’s something… not right about him…. He’s shady and honestly really creepy… Like some kind of serial killer.  Ever think about it?  I mean, you barely know anything about him, he’s a drifter, he’s always going out at night, pulls a knife randomly whenever he’s surprised by something…”

“You’ve been watching too many horror movies.” I told her, trying to hide the nervousness on my face as I stirred the cream and sugar in my coffee.

“There’s something weird about him, and you since you started hanging out with him… I’m gonna figure it out.” She said.

“Sure, whatever, play detective.” I waved it off.  She was rather stupid, always drunk or high.  I doubted she’d actually figure anything out and come up with any amount of proof.

I walked back into the living room, my breath catching when I noticed Frey struggling in his sleep, his face twitching in pain.  I watched him for a few moments, checking to see if he’d come out of it on his own, but once I heard him make a whining sound I shook him lightly to wake him up.

He snapped awake and looked around for a moment, breathing heavy until his eyes settled on me and he rubbed his head.

“You okay?” I asked softly.

He sat up, wincing as he clutched his leg, “Hmm? Yeah, Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You’re overdoing it with your leg.  Stop leaving the house and walking around so much, you’ll never let it heal that way.”

“I ain’t doing it myself,” He mumbled, “Plus, I’m sick of being stuck in here…”

“I understand, but it’s only been a few months, and you aren’t taking care of yourself.  You keep pushing yourself like this you’re going to make it worse.” I told him, feeling much like a Mother in that moment.

He rolled his eyes, and his jaw locked for a moment.

“You hungry?” I asked.

“I need a damn smoke.” He answered.

I nodded, reaching into my pack and handing him one. “You smoke through the ones I left out here last night for you?”  I left a half a pack out on the coffee table, knowing he sometimes had a hard time sleeping and hated going through my bag or waking me up for a cig.

“Yeah, I couldn’t sleep last night.” He said, rubbing his eyes.

“Nightmares again?”

He nodded, puffing down on the cigarette like it was his only source of air.

“About what?” I never told him I was having nightmares.  I tried to keep myself strong for him.  I was still hurting and confused on the inside, but I wanted to be supportive and show him hope.  I wanted to make sure I was stable enough to be there for him.  After all, this was a lot harder on him than it was on me.

He shook his head, leaning forward, “Just… same s**t as always… He’s doing some fucked up s**t to me, or he kills you, or he kills me, or something like that…”

“Frey… You gotta start opening up and expressing your feelings instead of bottling everything up and cutting yourself.  You don’t talk about this, you won’t ever move on from it.  It’ll just keep haunting you like this.” I told him.

“I haven’t been cuttin’ myself.” He grumbled, the comment obviously striking a nerve.

“Kacia said she saw blood on your clothes last night…” I told him, “Frey… You aren’t… You know?” I lowered my voice to a whisper, looking over my shoulder to make sure Kacia couldn’t hear me.  I was glad to see her passed out face down on the table with her hand still around her coffee cup.

“I ain’t.  But I think the Monster is.” he said. He inhaled deeply, rubbing his temples, “I’ve been losing track of time again, I come to and I’m outside or I’m in the bathroom washing blood off my hands.  My body’s sore like I’ve been fighting, but I don’t remember any of it.”

He must be altering a lot, since he’s hiding his emotions and not dealing with them, he’s shutting his mind off to cope.  And that “monster” personality comes through and he kills people out of anger.  He could get himself killed doing this, or seriously hurt.  No wonder he’s always in pain and his leg doesn’t appear to be healing as quickly as it should be.

“Frey, you got to talk about s**t…  Stop hiding what you feel, or these blackouts are just gonna keep happening.”  told him.

“You still don’t believe it’s a demon, do you?”

I just couldn't believe it, even though I knew Frey did.  I always tried to be logical… 

“Frey, I… I don’t know what to believe…” I said. "I'm not discounting what you're saying, or saying you're crazy... But I really think it's a personality disorder, like you basically created this thing, a part of you, to cope and protect you.  Split personality, it's common with victims of child abuse and trauma."

All I knew was, monster or not, Frey was quickly losing control of who he was.   At this rate, I worried that one day Frey would lose himself completely.

He glared at the wall, not looking me in the eye. "I ain't crazy..."

-

-Frey-

Rema made coffee and eggs for me, and we sat for a while in silence.  She looked like she was in deep thought, and unfocused on eating.  Only taking small bites while she pushed around the food with her fork.

“Rema, I don’t think I’ll ever be normal.” I told her.

She looked up, confusion swiping across her face. “Why do you say that?”

“You wanted to know how I felt… Well… I just don’t feel like I can ever be normal… I don’t even know what normal is.” I said.  Maybe she was right, if I let s**t out maybe I’d stop wanting to hurt myself, maybe the nightmares would stop, maybe the Monster would stop.  I just… I needed some kind of release.

“Don’t think about what it is… Just be… “Normal” really isn’t anything, it’s just a word people use… Just be yourself.  You’re a great guy deep down, Frey.  And you do have good in you.”

“I mean normal like… I couldn’t be a husband, or a father, or a working man… I can’t see myself owning a house, or having kids and a wife and a dog.  I can’t see myself going to some office job and sharing lunch with co-workers…” I let my mind run, my mouth followed it, “All I know is being a murderer, being locked in a basement, sleeping under a bridge, or hitchhiking across miles.  I don’t know anything more than survival.”

She frowned, “I think you could be… like that, if you put your mind to it.  If you let yourself.  I think you can love, and care for people. I think you can move forward in life, get used to living a good life.  I think you could learn to love someone and settle down with them… I’d like that to be me…” She said.  She had that spark of hope in her eyes again, like she really believed things would be okay one day… I couldn’t believe that, I couldn’t think like she did.  Not after what I’ve seen.

“Rema… I’m…” I swallowed, unsure how to put it. “He… he did things to me.  Awful things for so many years.  It changed me.  I can’t… I can’t look at anyone without thinking they’re disgusting.  I can’t look at my own body without hating it.  I can’t let people touch me, because I remember the times he used me, and beat me, and did all this sick s**t to me.  I remember it even when you touch me.  I couldn’t sleep with you, because I’d just remember being forced.  I wouldn’t even know what to do.” I couldn’t look at her, but I felt her eyes staring into me. I could feel the pity cutting holes in my soul. “Why would you want me?”

“Well… Because I understand… I know what you feel like, at least sort of.  Before my husband, I never been with a man.  Like, ever, even as a teenager I didn’t sleep with any of my boyfriends or my girlfriends.  I married my husband and things were fine for months, then… Then he did what The Man did.  He raped me, beat me, called me a w***e, said nobody would ever love me… It made me feel like sex was just painful and dirty.  Like I was just some kind of toy to be used and used until I broke…. It really messed me up… But I was able to recover… It took time, and I understand you went through a lot worse for a lot longer, but I’d be patient.  I wouldn’t ever hurt you or force you to do anything you’d didn’t want to… And honestly, Sex doesn’t mean all that much to me.”

She sounded just like me.  And maybe I was wrong about her.  She might not have gotten raped and tortured for sixteen years, or kept in a basement and starved if she didn’t do what she was told, but she was hurt and used like I was.  She knew what it was like to be forced over and over, have a piece of her taken that she couldn’t get back… Yet, she was able to move on…  I just don’t understand how.

I always downplayed what happened to her with her husband.  And honestly, she hardly ever talked about it anymore, but I could tell it affected her.  I was cold and insensitive, and I acted like because I had it worse, that what happened to her didn’t matter… I realized how wrong I was.  How little I must have made her feel.

“I’m sorry.” I said.

“What?” She cocked her head to the side, frowning in confusion.

“I… I guess I never really validated what you went through… You do kind of understand what I feel.”

She sighed, a half smile ghosting across her face. “It’s okay, Frey.  I understand and it isn’t a big deal.”

“That’s what I mean though… I’m insensitive.  I’m an a*****e most of the time.  I never bother to ask you how you are, or comfort you, or try to help you with anything.  I just shovel all my s**t at you and never do anything for you in return… Why do you like someone like me?  I mean, why’d you even have me stick around in the first place?  Why not tell me to f**k off and throw me back out on the street the first time I treated you rudely?  Why did you bother to even help me?  I’m a total useless f**k up.”

My self loathing only grew.  I already hated myself, thought of myself as a pathetic and useless b***h most of the time, and saw myself as nothing but a Freak.. But now I realized I was rude and hateful towards the one person who actually cared about me.  That I neglected her needs, ignored her, blamed her for everything…  Why would she love something like me?

“Frey… You aren’t a f**k up or useless.  You’re a bit of an a*****e, yeah, and you can be an insensitive jerk… But I told you before.  You have a good side of you too.  You can be caring and protective, I mean you literally let yourself be tortured for days so I didn’t get hurt.  You’re also funny, in your own way, and pretty damn cute even if you don’t realize it.  You’re really wise and street smart, and you’re so strong emotionally.  You’ve been through so much, yet you haven’t just given up or gone completely nuts by now.  You have heart, fire, and willpower. You’re really something special.” She smiled gently at me, her hand reaching across the table to touch mine.  She searched for my eyes.“Hey, hey… Stop thinking so bad about yourself.  Quit believing the s**t people say about you… The s**t he said about you… because it’s all wrong, okay?”

I felt the corners of my mouth twitch and nodded dumbly, not knowing what else to do.

Author's Note

Atlas, a bit of hope for my little borderline emo brooding serial killers... That I will cruelly take away before this volume is over because I'm a horrible God of my created worlds. But hey! At least I try to be nice to them.

Ugh, I hate writing mushy shit like this.... But yeah, just wanted to give ya'll some happy shit before I make you cry. =)

Review, comment, leave feedback. Whatever works, it makes me extremely happy!

Reviews

[matrixmark]

Like the second paragraph - pretty damn cool. Almost had a grim reaper feel to it. I'm still liking Kacia the Alpha female and how she refers to Frey as scars - shes got guts and I only hope she makes it through volume one BUT my head says NA AH.
Have to say that it made me smirk when she called Fery a serial killer when she was unknowingly talking to another one. But its clear to me that she already knows and is is subtely having digs at Rema to see if she will bite. - Pretty funny but wicked funny.
Loved the similie - Emo kid sentence -I grinned as I read this bit. I bet you smile when you penned it too.
Despite this being a chapter without violence, there were quite a lot of dark undertones which were scattered throughout the piece. I feel that the speech which Frey gave to Rema was not to be trusted at all.
I still like this story and respect the time and effort which has one into it. I shall be continuing as and when I can.
Keep writing.

Mark.

[Sinbulvinter]

Thanks for reading and reviewing! Missed you, man!
Kacia was a lot of fun to write, especially during her rivialry with Frey. She does have a lot of guts and tells it as it is.
As for Frey and Rema's conversation here, Frey was actually being honest with her and is beginning to become a bit more human. It takes him a while, but his character does develope past just being an insensitive, unemotional jerk. haha.

Thanks again for writing and reviewing!

[matrixmark]

I can see Kacia was a lot of fun to write about - It shows.
The reason why I took the opinion about Frey/Rema Conversation was smply because they ahave a number of screws which are very loose and deception is both part of their characters. But hey its just and opinion of one. Another reason why is - he could be just setting her up for the big fall/ a false sense of security. But I still stick to my guns that more blood will be shed.

Mark.

[Sinbulvinter]

Well, you're right in a way, these two do have a lot of loose screws and confusion about their feelings, going from one mindset to another, both extremely unstable and untruustworthy for sure.
Yeah, this volume does end in blood shed, but the cause will probably surprise you

[matrixmark]

The way in which I see it, is that misdirection is at play here and that Rema will play an unexpected part. But I cant quite put my finger on it, she used to be explosive if someone rubbed her up the wrong way. She cares for Frey but he can easily overpower her.Kacia on the other hand.....
I will have to find out to see if I am proved wrong. But one this is for certain, it will be intresting to find out.

Mark.

[Kesha]

Haha "before I make you cry" That's awesome. This chapter was good, a little break from the torture lol

[Sinbulvinter]

Yeah, I'm kind of the Robert Kirman of books, I make my characters and readers a bit happy before I mess everything up for them and make the readers cry. XD
Thanks for reviewing

[Kesha]

Haha that's awesome I love your writing!

[Island Hippy]

Aloha, great chapter. Liked the conversation between Kacia and Rema and Rema pretty much squashing it...so casual. The best part was Rema and Frey. Finally he understood her story and what she went through, that really needed to happen. Nice change of pace. Izzy

[Sinbulvinter]

Thanks for reading and reviewing. I'm glad you liked it

[Island Hippy]

You're welcome, been a great read so far.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

That was mushy alright haha :p
But it feels like that calm just before a storm, I think.

Again no warning at the top. So, Rema has been having nightmares too. I think it seems like the Monster is what she's seeing..

I liked that part of Kacia being a nosy jerk again. Plus the way Rema waved her off, that was cool.
I think you would want to change that demon part here also, since you omitted that part in chapter twenty but idk up to you. It's still open ended.

Frey being having finally understand what Rema must have gone through.. that does make him sound insensitive that he realized just now but at least he did lol :p I just wished you could write mushier than this haha but I guess this is your limit :
I liked how you put out the dialogues.

Oh and Frey going to move out to kill, that was brief but enough to give the hint that he is kinda being possessed by the Monster. Which puts my belief stronger that it's him that's gonna kill Rema. :p

Soft, but I liked this :)))

[Sinbulvinter]

Yeah, a tad mushy. Like I said, I give my characters a bit of a cool down before I take it away. 'cause I'm horrible. XD

Rema's nightmares are kind of about the Monster, but is more of her subconscious warning her and appear in her dreams. I've always been interested in dream interpetation, and decided to kinda bring it in here.
The dream basically means, to her, that she feels she's in danger.
And with the demon being included here, it's more open ended this way. Frey's still gonna talk about it like it's a demon - because he believes it is. Rema is getting freaked out, but believes it's a personality disorder still.

And yeah, Frey is pretty insensitive, and up until a while into the story, he's downright cyncal, and really never validates Rema and what she went through. It's taken him a while to realize that, basically nearly the end of volume one, but that's kinda his thing - He's an insensitive jerk most of the time. haha.
Yeah, I kinda wish I could write a bit mushier, but even this made me a bit sick to my stomach to write. XP
I can write gore and torture just fine, but mushiness gives me the heebie-jeebies. XP

Yeah, Frey's blacking out more and basically entering the split state of mind more often, which does make him a danger to Rema.

Thanks for reading and reviewing!

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Hahah well, since I'm done with this volume and you know my povs on this, I won't repeat them lolread moreHahah well, since I'm done with this volume and you know my povs on this, I won't repeat them lol
You're welcome 😊
But yeah one thing: try to write mushier in the next volume haha that would be fun 😛😉😂

[Oneluv]

This chapter is Simply beautiful. It shows that theirs someone out there for everyone. No matter how fucked up you are. This is the first chapter that made me feel warm inside. The story has been amazing so far. I look forward to reading your work. I really enjoy it. You should conside making it in to an e-book, or any of the upcoming volumes! I'll definitely buy it. Thanks:)

[Sinbulvinter]

I'm glad I made you feel warm inside. But to be fair, that warmth is gonna die out by the end. Sorry. XP
I'm really glad you're enjoying this so much. And I will I will make this a e-book, I'd have to look into how to go about doing it, but people have suggested this to me before. And Hell, I got two kids, I could use the extra money. XD
Thanks again for reading and reviewing throughout the story so far! It means a lot!

[The earth (Titan maphaha)]

I like this one I really do