Ten Seconds...

I took a seat.

Then a second later

turned my head

towards she

and it was more

than right that

our eyes

would meet.

A lightning bolt

in a bottle,

ready to super-nov-

Ugh…

I want to tell you

that I love you.

That’s how beautiful

I can tell

you are.

Inside

and

out!

Just like a

Pop Tart...

I want to bite

it for a rush.

Ouch!

Not so fast.

I burned my

Tongue.

The desires of

my inner lust,

but surely,

it’s a must,

that the essence 

of this 

tells me

that she’s 

much more

than this...

Sweet nutrition!

Reviews

[Rynn]

"I took a seat.
Then a second later
turned my head
towards she
and it was more
than right that
our eyes
would meet." I took me a bit to get into the rhythm of the piece, but I really appreciate the way you've broken up the sentences.

"A lightning bolt
in a bottle,
ready to super-nov-
Ugh…
I want to tell you
that I love you." - I love how casual you've written something that has such weight. I can feel the underlying frustration of not being able to say those words to someone.

"That’s how beautiful
I can tell
you are." - There's such an off way that you've written some of these lines, they are just really original sounding and I love the - quirkiness you have to your voice.

"Inside
and
out!
Just like a
Pop Tart...
I want to bite
it for a rush." - again I have to stop and appreciate the originality in your description. Well done! It adds a lightness to the piece as if to limit the intensity but still get the same ideas across.

"The desires of
my inner lust,
but surely,
it’s a must,
that the essence
of this
tells me
that she’s
much more
than this...

Sweet nutrition!" - I think you could remove the exclamation point after 'out' since you have one after nutrition. I like it better at the end. I love how you've compared this to nutritional food versus the stuff that tastes good but isn't good for you. Very original take on things. I enjoyed it much, thank you! Write on.

-Rynn

[sinNsincerity]

Thanks Rynn, I always try to do my best to capture the moment or feelings and allow the poem take on a life of its own rather than forcing it into something its not.

[‘Thoughts In Time..]

Sweet nutrition can be sweet and toxic or sweet and nutritious- one fills and completes the other uses necessary energy with little result- both giving a feelingbof euphoria- one last longer and feeds us the other is a temporary rush- love the imagery of biting and the lightening in a bottle- amazing words🌹

[DIVYA]

Burning numbs the taste buds for a while. So take it there slow and easy. I could go on and on as the mood of the poem is very catching. So its just great to let it roll...

[Tiffany K Charles]

I love yours more...... not sure it the other poem is a finished by you... but the one you posted it wonderful the way it is

[sinNsincerity]

which other poem?

[Tiffany K Charles]

I misread the comment from Rynn... I thought he wrote an addition to your poem and then I re-read it and i'm caught up now. but I still love this poem.....

[TerryDarcy-Ryan akaSh..]

You are a genuine romantic. The meet of a perfect stranger becomes beautiful in your eyes with out a word. I appreciate your flow it adds the sheer drama of it all. Charming. Thanks for sharing and
God Bless

Sheer Terror

[Tabby Mac]

I enjoyed this piece. It's like a peek into a mind...sometimes we just think and our thoughts splat into paper like a falling paint brush and before we say "crap I dropped that"...we realized how beautiful the the paint has landed and we are mesmerized by it!
That is what this piece is to me!! It's a sweet little moment turned into layers of thought. I pictured you on a bus or train just hoping on for a minute and then what appeared to be seconds turned into the reality of this is more Than just visible beauty before me this could be love...to put it short it had layers for me and I loved it!! I love the pop tart reference! The "sweet nutrition" the "super-nov-"! Short...SWEET...heartfelt...creative as hell...LOVE IT!!!!!!!!
Tabby

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

Wow,
I admire the visions and comparisons here...
moving story with touches of desire.

[LKBillips]

I find this one very appealing. The way it is broken up makes it very rhythmic and kind of makes it build up in my head as it progresses. Good stuff!

[sinNsincerity]

Thank you Ms. Billips, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[Valentine]

Not 'towards she,' it should be toward her. Valentine

[sinNsincerity]

I did that on purpose. I'm an English major and know very well that it should be her, but I tend to twist things to my liking. Thank you for keeping an eye out though.

[gayleadele]

I think it's great when a good writer intentionally words their ideas inappropriately. It gives the reader a peek into how words come to us even though we usually know better. It takes a lot of effort to properly word things so sometimes it just sounds better when it isn't proper. Great job.

[Tashida]

Awww this poem was so sweet and creative. I especially like the poptart metaphor. Never would've thought of that... might have to use it one day. Whoever this girl is, she's very lucky ;)

[Giulia King]

I love the layout of this poem. And it flows perfectly :)