"I took a seat.
Then a second later
turned my head
towards she
and it was more
than right that
our eyes
would meet." I took me a bit to get into the rhythm of the piece, but I really appreciate the way you've broken up the sentences.
"A lightning bolt
in a bottle,
ready to super-nov-
Ugh…
I want to tell you
that I love you." - I love how casual you've written something that has such weight. I can feel the underlying frustration of not being able to say those words to someone.
"That’s how beautiful
I can tell
you are." - There's such an off way that you've written some of these lines, they are just really original sounding and I love the - quirkiness you have to your voice.
"Inside
and
out!
Just like a
Pop Tart...
I want to bite
it for a rush." - again I have to stop and appreciate the originality in your description. Well done! It adds a lightness to the piece as if to limit the intensity but still get the same ideas across.
"The desires of
my inner lust,
but surely,
it’s a must,
that the essence
of this
tells me
that she’s
much more
than this...
Sweet nutrition!" - I think you could remove the exclamation point after 'out' since you have one after nutrition. I like it better at the end. I love how you've compared this to nutritional food versus the stuff that tastes good but isn't good for you. Very original take on things. I enjoyed it much, thank you! Write on.
-Rynn
Posted 7 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
7 Years Ago
Thanks Rynn, I always try to do my best to capture the moment or feelings and allow the poem take on.. read moreThanks Rynn, I always try to do my best to capture the moment or feelings and allow the poem take on a life of its own rather than forcing it into something its not.
I agree with Maja! Super creative play on "supernova"! Great poem:)
Posted 8 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
8 Years Ago
Thank you so much, I thought it would be clever. It actually makes me laugh to think that I wrote th.. read moreThank you so much, I thought it would be clever. It actually makes me laugh to think that I wrote that,
I love how the "ugh" sets up the next line.