Supermarket Heart

Supermarket Heart

A Poem by sinNsincerity

Repeat

Reheat

Re-glance…


No pots or pans…


Just the vision of us

holding hands.


No shirts or pants…


Just that smile that’ll

forever relapse like

the Asian-American

sun dance.


It came with no receipt

and there was most certainly

no needs for a plastic

or paper bag...


Because we came to eat!


© 2015 sinNsincerity



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Featured Review

There are some really strong lines in here i am particularly in love with the

It came with no receipt
and there was most certainly
no needs for a plastic
or paper bag...

To me that shows the limitedsness of the this relationship to be served once. Great piece, the lines of this is the part that stick out the most to me, almost an illusion, like its true meaning is just peeking out. Very nice solid work.

Posted 2 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

sinNsincerity

2 Years Ago

I can't give it all away...that's for face to face convo's hehe =D



Reviews

Most interesting write! Very clever you! The last line gave me insight as to why I always get hit on in grocery stores! LOL I think I know why those guys are only carrying a basket of random things! Haha
I found my mind shooting in many different directions with this piece! Well done!
Tabby

Posted 8 Months Ago


Beautiful poetry. Love your rhyming scheme absolutely lovely :)

Posted 9 Months Ago


I enjoyed this, I like your signature ability to present real life. Very cool poem again man!

Posted 9 Months Ago


Very different way of looking at a relationship... quite imaginative and playful.. nice write!

Posted 9 Months Ago


A different type of a write, guess nakedness at the table is legal. Valentine

Posted 9 Months Ago


Aren't you quite the smitten one? I loved the metaphor behind this one... Suuuper creative! I love how you find metaphors I never would have thought of. It shows you think outside the box.
splendid work David :)

Posted 9 Months Ago


Lol, this poem has a funny flow! I love how you're twisting the words

Posted 9 Months Ago


I love the wya you twist words. I ha to reread again to get the true meaning of the poem. :)

Posted 9 Months Ago


"Repeat
Reheat
Re-glance…" - already like where you're going with this. It flows so well when spoken aloud. Each word and it's individual sound gives the piece a really nice start.

"No pots or pans…
Just the vision of us
holding hands." - Again, nice usage of words and their sounds.

"No shirts or pants…

Just that smile that’ll
forever relapse like
the Asian-American
sun dance." - this is such a fresh description. It's almost impossible for me not to get a really solid image in my mind while reading. I like that you've messed with the rhyme/word scheme here. It's a slight shock that the words don't sound quite so similar; a little bit, but you've tapered off nicely. The flow and mood you've created here carries me into reading on.

"It came with no receipt
and there was most certainly
no needs for a plastic
or paper bag...
Because we came to eat!" - I like that you've made very mundane words sound insightful and beautiful for your own purpose. Strong lines here. I just love the way you've illustrated the emotion here.

Overall, I think the only things that I noticed that you could take another look at is your text/line spacing. Is there a pattern to it that I've missed? If it's intentional, then pay me no mind. I would also look a font size/color/style. While purple is a pretty color, it was a tad distracting. Thank you for the read! Write on.

-Rynn





Posted 9 Months Ago


Not bad. It was interesting, and definitely unique. I am going to offer some suggestions (take them or leave them) :)

Personally, I would phrase this line "Just the vision of our clasped hands." I don't know I feel as if that would just bring a stronger vision to it. To me gerunds ( words ending in 'ing') are a little to passive as a reader I want to have that vision in my head and not an outside perspective (movie like)

I would take out the word forever. Again this is just a personal thing.

Since you give the idea of a super market I would rearrange "...there was no need for paper of plastic.../Because we came to eat!" You don't really need the word certainly. I feel it makes this a little to wordy.

But this was well executed and I really liked how you used the Asian-American Sun dance. A good change from common tropes that have become cliche. 4 out of 5 stars. :3

Posted 9 Months Ago



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1525 Views
52 Reviews
Rating
Shelved in 2 Libraries
Added on July 22, 2015
Last Updated on July 22, 2015

Author

sinNsincerity
sinNsincerity

East Los Angeles, CA



About
"It was about that time I realized that searching was my symbol, the emblem of those who go out at night with nothing in mind, the motives of destroyer of compasses." Hopscotch -Julio Cortazar .. more..

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