Farther Away From You

A poem about loss, and how it's affected me

I want to be free

Freer than the birds that fly by the winds and the bees

The rivers that nourish with courage the animals and flourish flowing like a current deferent and referent for the trees, bringing Mother Nature to her knees freed

The sky that takes form and rains through storms and breeze that please and freeze the rocks the ground and the sea

Go down a mountain with sky shouting a poetry fountain with ease when it pleases me

Hopefully eventually consequentially potentially content to be  monumentally momentarily in the moment very fairly married to the love I`ve been buried in sharing it

Staring death in the face with merry grace going to bed early and pretending it isn`t too late to test fate and recreate the life I had, a reason to be glad, and a place free from self and self-centred pretenders hate, convince myself I`m not bad for being weak, and not sad that your gone

I want to be free from fate, free from time and dates, free from needs, free for me, for you so that you can see I tried you to be the best I could be

But I can no longer seize the moment, I rented it, but I don`t own it, the past resident sold it, pain stole it, take my words on a piece of paper and fold it

Put it in my pocket and let it rot, hold it dear and near to my heart, learn what I can from it, feel it, hear it, cure that, then burn it to ash like the past and turn it into something new, trying to forget about you

Another job to do, the sky is blue but the clouds keep it from view, choosing to keep what I lose, the world kept me away from you, I don`t even know what to do, never wanted to be beaten, I won, but I lost you

And it costs dearly and I fear it nearly as much as I seriously am curious to see what this life could be without a part of me

I cannot see the future no matter how I try, if I smile wide, if I had a sense of pride, if I could hide what I feel inside and see with my eyes, the lies, the stigma, not a figment, a ligament broken whispered words spoken that I was too far away to hear, unclear moments hopeless, I own it like using a puddle of tears as a mirror, broken

So distant that resistance against wear and tear in this existence is worthless, like me, and it hurts this we knew bliss and I miss it

But it`s gone now no matter how you wish for it, considerate confidence this conflicting market cannot buy love

Why can`t you let a bird fly free, you took my wings from me, I no longer climb this tree, on the ground soon to be underneath, leave the sword in the sheath, some cuts are meant to bleed, it`s just the way you`ve done this to me

Who am I to say that today will spare me when yesterday haunts my dreams seems I became the man you wanted me to be, but nothing to see because your dead and I`m no longer me

I`m not the boy you loved,

I`m the man who gets paid in self hate and crumbles under the weight of emotions that left me wide open when I felt the painful feelings of how fate played me for hoping, leaving me broken

Laid you to rest when I was bested tested by the rest lest I forget the best part of me starting to bleed because it`s been taken away from me, personally, I think greed doesn`t fill one with humanity, it just takes every picture frame and every dream, every scene, every theme and memory

So I`ll become freer than the person that I have to be, and can never be no matter what I want to be and the world I need to see the beliefs I’ve I’m carried inside of me too heavy to breath

Corruptibility, this hate inevitably constantly crushing me the feelings that once were touching me and drowning my dreams, I want peace, release, outreach and free speak, I have nothing, none of these

I’ll be the person I feel like becoming, strumming and drumming on the computer keyboard my pen my sword my sport my fort my death my jury my court until I get bored and run short and come meet you again and sort out the hurt, because you always come first

In the sunlight that brightens my adventure of potential ventures existential parental panic manic mania mental static and I`ve had at it

If life were a game I`d be bad at it, mad at it, rage quitting, want an achievement to be proud of?

You can’t have it, that picture perfect memory, became a disassembly of dismembered dreams and game over screens, laughing at me like I have to be stronger than I`m supposed to be not allowed to cry or bleed or they’ll look inside of me and cremate whatever mark I leave so close to prosperity but connected to the life I leave and giving up slowly but

I`m sorry

I`m sorry that they stole your story, gory lore really more grease increases slippery down my face sweating, forgetting, bloodletting

The police said freeze but I`m burning up, I don`t know what`s up, and what lucks gone up in flames just the same as the world that came and went, sent to hell spent in this spell until I can’t smell the roses without corpses taste in my nose and the closeness of being chosen to be left behind but know what used to be, a place I can no longer see

I`m sorry I became a different shade of grey and if you don`t recognize me, it wouldn’t surprise me, from sunrise to sunset let me bet that I will be set to join you in another twenty years

I`d pray to god for a safe passage, but I don`t fear the message or lessons of someone who just watches our loses and tears like a faucet drinking from it and doesn`t care about the life forms under his carpet

A story above the floor and a quarry mining up the thoughts I find of better times, using what`s left of my mind to find a loophole and learn what I must know to show you I`m full of nostalgia yo 

Smelt that gold into a fine wine and drink the knowledge until I vomit emotions say I called it frolic in the sociologic pain pit until I find my links and piece the creases and shards together into this hard mind of mine and wash off the past's stink in the sink

That way I can stop worrying, and don`t have to think

Free of insanity, piece back the bits of the mindless mask on my face that became the face of me, and sit in front of my computer screen, pretending to believe in love, fake laugh looking at memes

And forget the longing I receiving leaving me alone cold as stone alone at home and the path I chose I`m remembering the memory the remains of you

Free from the loss I`ve seen, and the blind search that I secretly already know will lead me to reality

I don’t really want to find what I’m looking for, admit what I lose

A lie farther from the truth, farther away from you

Author's Note

I very seldom reply to reviews, but I promise I read EVERY single one. I look forward to my next review because it helps me learn. Even if it's just one word, I promise, I will be ecstatic to have the chance to hear what you have to say. Whenever you write something about my poems, or the themes of my poems, or criticize me it is not in vain. I will listen, learn and be thankful.

Reviews

[LazerRays]

A very intense theme I can relate to. A good read. Maybe paragraphs and breaking up the text would help. Other then that... I liked it! A hard topic to write. But you nailed it

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

thank you for entering this wonderful story into my competition. I am still sifting and reading all entries, thanks again, great work!

[C_theSurrealist]

The theme about the seek of freedom really flows well within your poem which is good. The pain and sadness hit me as I read it, regarding with this; this is the indication that your poem influences the readers. Your talent in literature truly never fades. Strive harder in writing literary pieces. Good job.

[wordman]

jack your story is intense ,i enjoyed the read

[Davidgeo]

It's quite good, I know that much. But I think I have to read this again after some time passes to give you a proper review. Not everything sat right with me but I'm not entirely sure why as there is quite a bit of complexity to chew on. I will see you here again tomorrow.

[R.J Calzonetti (SinisterPotatoe)]

Awesome, thanks for the review man!