Sally Snoo and the Bird From Kaloo

A children's play in the style of Dr. Seuss about a girl in search of a rare bird to complete her animal collection...before her rival captures it for dinner.

Sally Snoo and the Bird From Kaloo

by

Trystin S. Bailey

Characters
Sally Snoo
Zeet
Gretchigulous Grunter
Saber the Dog
Fred
Cap’n Flip
The Bird of Kaloo

~NOTES~

Regarding gender, Sally Snoo is unconditionally female and, Fred, male. Other than that, feel free to swap all the pronouns your heart desires with the remaining five characters. Also, Cap’n (or woman), in addition to possibly being the same actor as Zeet, must engage in a song so...I guess that’s something.

~PLAY BEGIN~

The play begins with Sally Snoo messing about her room, which is a veritable zoo of all sorts of zany-looking animals. She notices the audience, and addresses them...

Sally:
Oh, hi there! Hello! And a how do you do?
It’s real nice to meet you! My name’s Sally Snoo!
And this here’s my room, which is kind of a zoo!
Filled with all sorts of critters I’ll now show to you...

There’s this grubby Brab-snatcher who stalks in the night
And a flying Frumfrigger with wings snowish white
See this Two-headed Truffy- Watch out now, it spits!
Oh, and here goes a Sniffly, in spiffy green mits

Sure I’ve got scaled and furred and slimy ones
All caged to sheer perfection
But there’s one HUGE thing missing from
My funderous collection...

You see...

(she pulls out a picture of her grandmother)

Granny Snoo, my old teacher
She said, Sal, this here zoo
Needs just one more creature
From the isle called Kaloo

There’s a bird with feathers shiny
That stands six whole feet tall!
Hiding in the jungle vineys
And it answers to this call...

RAKKA-DAKKA-DAKKA
A-BUKKA-DUKKA-DUKKA
AROOOO! AROOOO!

(to the audience) Try it with me!

RAKKA-DAKKA-DAKKA
A-BUKKA-DUKKA-DUKKA
AROOOO! AROOOO!

RAKKA-DAKKA-DAKKA
A-BUKKA-DUKKA-DUKKA
AROOOO! AROOOO!

One more time!

RAKKA-DAKKA-DAKKA
A-BUKKA-DUKKA-DUKKA
AROOOO! AROOOO!

Nice job!

Now let me grab the things right quick
I’ll need to nab that bird, you bet!
My boots, my Gran, my travelin’ bag
And of course my big ol’ (let the kids shout it first) NET, that’s right!

Sally Snoo, it’s up to you
To travel off to far Kaloo
And find that bird and catch it, too
To be the crown jewel of your Sally Snoo zoo (exits)

Scene 2: Zeet’s  Eats n’ Treats
Zeet sits at the counter of his food store, overwhelmed with a pile of goods surrounding him, when Sally enters.

Zeet:
Sally Snoo!
How do you do?

Sally:
I’m fine, thanks, Zeet.
Just need some eats

Zeet:
Yes, of course, it’d be my pleasure
Going on some grand adventure?

Sally:
Yup! One more critter for my zoo
A rarish thing from far-off Kaloo...

Zeet: Sounds scary.

Sally: That’s true.

Zeet: Not worth it.

Sally:
Says you!
But I swear on my soul
If it’s the last thing I do
I will capture this critter
This bird from Kaloo!

After I buy up some foodstuffs from you...

Zeet:
I’ll be happy to help you
But first there’s this mess
Of an order I must
Put together for a dinner for eleven guests...

Sally:
Well, maybe we can give you a hand
Isn’t that right, friends? (kids respond)

Zeet:
Aw, that’d be grand!

Let’s start off with leafy Groobs
Ms. Riskit wants one, Ms. Raskit wants two

Sally: (to kids)
So how many Groob leafs will that be?
One Groob plus two Groobs is...

THREE, that’s right!

Zeet:

Well done, guys.

Next up are some tangy Kree
Charlie wants two, Poppy wants three

Sally:
So how much Kree will we need this time?
Two Kree plus three Kree is...

FIVE, excellent work!

Zeek: You guys are really smart.

This last one is a tough one, guys
Involving fried-up Sneezle sticks
Cattleberry Clements, he wants four
And the twins, Flip and Flop, want six

Sally:
How many Sneezle sticks will they all need then?
Four sticks plus six sticks is...

TEN, perfect!

Zeet:
Thanks, you guys!
You helped a bunch!
I knew you were smart.
I had a hunch.

Just a handful of Zee Peas
And a jug-full of Junter
And the order is ready for...

Zeet is cut off by the dramatic arrival of Gretchigulous Grunter and his vicious barking dog, Saber. Gretchigulous is as flamboyant as he is evil...and he is quite evil.

Zeet: ...Gretchigulous Grunter

Gretch: That’s my name. Don’t wear it out
Ha ha ha- Quiet, Saber! (Saber stops barking)
How fared your labors?

Zeet:
You’re order’s good.
Your order’s done.
Now shell over two-twenty three, forty-one.

Gretch:
Oh, Mr. Zeet, of Zeet’s Eats and Treats
I’m a man who loves food

Zeet:
Yes, I know.

Gretch:
I’ll repeat...

I’m a man who loves food
Every shape, every size
From all over the world
Not a type I despise

Each third Tuesday of Spring
And sixth Friday of Fall
I throw fabulous feasts for my friends
And they all...

Chew on cheesiest cheeses from East Dumblefrug
And the sour Pow-Pow beans of Southern Panug
The rarer the dish, the more I will want her
I’m not just amazing...I’m also a hunter

Saber: Woof! Woof!

Zeet:
Like I said, I know.
Now pay your bill and go

(Gretchigulous dramatically checks his bags, making sure everything is there. He hands Zeet some money and starts off, until he notices Sally)

Gretch:
What’s with the net?
Off to find a new pet?
A bunny perhaps?
Or some Fluff-Bindersnaps?

Sally:
I’ll have you know I got bunnies to spare
And a cage full o’ Fluffs that’s beyond known compare
While you’re sittin’ around eating up all that food
I’ll be grabbin’ myself my own bird from Kaloo!

Zeet: Sally...

Gretch:
Bird from Kaloo...

Sally: That’s right.

Zeet: Sal...

Gretch:
Tell me more...

Sally:
It’s a beautiful bird
Standing six feet or more

Zeet: No...

Sally:
It’s got great golden feathers
And sparking green eyes
It’s majestic and perfect
And one-of-a-kind...

Zeet: Eep!

Sally:
On the isle of Kaloo’s where it lives
And it’s not at all vicious
It’s all that I want...

Gretch:
I bet it’s delicious.

Saber: Grrrrrr! Woof! Woof!

Sally: What?!

Gretch:
Asked I, ‘Great Gretchigulous
What will you serve
As the main course for dinner?’
And became quite unnerved

For I had no idea
Of a rare beast worth eating
Until, little girl,
Our most fortunate meeting

Saber and I will
Run off to that isle
And get that bird of Kaloo
For some Kaloo Bird Stew!

AHAHAHA!!!

Saber: Grr! Woof! WOOF! Grrr...

(Gretch and Saber exit)

Sally:
This is awful! This is bad!
Worst day I have ever had!
Because I blabbed my birdy buddy’s
Gonna end up in eleven tummys!

Snap out of it, Sal!
If you get there first
With all of your help
This can all be reversed!

Zeet:
Here’s some food for your trip
Don’t worry, it’s free
Now, go and go quick!
Stop that food-loving creep!

(Sally exits)

Scene 3. The woods.
Fred, a young hippie-type, is staring intently at the scenery. Sally bursts into the scene, flustered, not noticing Fred at first

Sally:
I’m lost! I’m lost!
All these trees look the same!
If that creep eats my birdie...
It’s me who’s to blame!

Do you see anyone who could help me in my time of neediest need?

(kids direct her to Fred)

Oh my! Thanks, guys! Uh...e-excuse m-

Fred: Shh!

Sally:
I just need a second

Fred:
Sh!

Sally:
A little advice

Fred:
Sh!

Sally:
A direction or two...

Fred:
Sh!

Sally:
...would be really nice!

(Sally let’s the anger get to her and then approaches Fred)

Sally:
I tried to be all nice and sweet
Now Sally’s ‘bout to-

Fred: It’s beautiful, isn’t it?

Sally: Huh?

Fred: (gesturing at the area of scenery) This!

Sally: There’s...nothing there...

Fred: Exactly!

Sally: (to the audience)
I’m sure he’s nice and all that, but
I’m out of here. This guy is nuts...

Fred:
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Don’t go! Please stay!
I’ll, like, help you out
As soon as I...Hey!

Sally: Hey?

Fred:
You can help me with my art

Sally: Your art?

Fred:
That’s right!
Come over here with me!
Let’s start!

This empty space will soon be filled
With a sculpture of a thing
I’ve dreamed about, like, every night
But never had the chance to see

I’ll need a set of colored shapes
You’ll have to grab from in these woods
Bring them when I call their name
Then, friend, I’ll help you. Does that sound good?

Sally:
You could help me first

Fred:
I would if I could

Sally:
I guess I’ll help...

Fred:
I think you should!

Okay. Ready...set...

Sally: (to the audience) I’m going to need your help, guys!

(When Fred shouts a shape and color, Sally [with the kids’ help] brings it to him from wherever they are in the set. This will involve lots of improv with the kids on Sally’s part. When Fred gets the shape, he places it on the scenery)

Fred:
First I need the yellow square
You’ll find it somewhere over there
...
A red rectangle’s, like,  what I’ll need next
That spot right there’s where I would check
...
How about an orange triangle
Nestled somewhere in that tangle
...
An purple-ish oval would probably be best
One more piece and then to your quest
…
The last thing I’ll need is a green...octagon
Eight awesome sides and then you’ll be gone

(When the work is complete it is an artistic take of a large bird)

Fred:
It’s beautiful, right, thanks to all of your help
A whole bird of Kaloo for my own little self

I’m Fred, by the way

Sally:
Howdy, my name’s Sally Snoo
And did you just say this is the bird from Kaloo?

Fred:
I did. That’s true
It’s my favorite thing!
Though, it’s a thing that I’ve, like, never seen

Sally:
Well, buddy, have I got some great news for you!
I’m traveling now to the island Kaloo
Where I’m finding that bird then you know what I’ll do?
I’m bringing it back to my funderful zoo!

Fred:
Zoo? But, like, dude
All things should be free
All creatures of air, land, volcano and sea

Sally:
I’m Sally Snoo, okay
This bird from Kaloo will stay
Right inside my zoo, okay
Livin’ its whole life away

Fred:
Not if Freddy has his way...

Sally:
What’d you say?!

Fred:
Uh...right this way!

Scene 4.1 The Sea. (will eventually become scene 4.2 - the Shore of Kaloo)
Cap’n Flip (more pirate than captain) is standing on the shore, working on his boat, humming, all the while. Flip seems to be missing something and roams off stage. Sally and Fred enter.

Fred:
All we need to do is, like, cross this lake
To the island of Kaloo

Sally:
Where that bird I will take!

Fred:
Or let it roam free

Sally:
Leave the bird stuff to me...
I must get there before it gets cooked for the feast!

Fred:
Hey! Look, let’s take this boat!

Sally:
Are you sure it will float?
It looks ninety years old
And a wreck, truth be told

Even if we tried it
Where’s a sailor to guide it?

Flip: (leaping onto the stage) YAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!

Sally and Fred: (surprised) AHHHHH!!!

Flip:
Me name’s Cap’n Flip
And this here be me ship!

Sally:
It’s a boat

Flip:
It’s a ship.
N’ don’t give me that lip!

Me ship thar and I
Make one heck of a team
Sailing folks far and wide
I be livin’ me dream

Sally:
Well, that there’s good news
You got room for us two?

Flip:
I do as sure as that thar water be blue

Sally: One more thing...
Is this boat here is in working condition?

Flip:
Yar, I sail out each day for sun-bathing n’ fishing
Now whar in this world is ol’ Flip takin’ you?

Sally:
To find the coolest bird...

Fred:
...on the island Kaloo!

Flip:
Kaloo? Really?!
Now thar’s a funny. Hardy har!
Not two hours back
I sailed a guy and dog to thar

Sally:
A guy and dog, you said! Oh no!
Gretchigulous is there! We’ve got to go!
Get in the boat! And, please start to row!

Flip: (under his breath)
It’s a sail boat, you know...

Come on, let’s be off...

(They scramble into the boat. The boat moves slowly into the sea)

Fred:
Can this thing, like, go any faster?

Flip:
The wind’s too soft. She’s not a jet ski

Sally:
If I were swimming...I’d probably be passed her

Flip:
Well, there’s one answer....we could sing!

Sally:
Sing?

Fred:
Sing?

Flip:
That’s what I said.
Just sing to the sea and the sea’ll be yer friend...

Sally:
That’s absolutely...

Flip: (sung) LAAAA!!! (A gust of wind knocks Sally and Fred over)

Fred:
I suddenly think Flip was telling the truth...

Flip:
Check this song out ‘f ye be needin’ more proof

(clears throat. Sings. The song raises the sail and, once again, sends Sally and Fred flying)

Sing to the sea!
Sing to the sea!
Raise up your voices to her majesty!
Let the song in your heart fill the sail with the breeze
Sing to the sea!

Sally: (spoken) My friend’s ain’t gonna believe this...

Flip: (sung)
Sing to the sea!

Sally and Fred: (sung)
Sing to the sea!

Flip: (sung)
Sing to the sea!

Sally and Fred:
Sing to the sea!

Flip:
Keep this tune up and will keep up our speed, friends!

Fred:
All birds, like totally, need to be free, friends!

Sally:
Better in my zoo than all cooked up and eaten!

Fred:
For now we’ll just agree to, like, disagree then!

Sing to the sea!

Sally: (spoken)
This is great, but we still need to pick up the pace

Fred:
What more can we do? I just sung off my face

Sally:
Add a bunch o’ new voices to speed up this race
(to the audience)
Are you ready to sing? (the answer...or not, haha) Then repeat after me!

Sally:
Sing to the sea!
Sing to the sea!
Sing to the, sing to the, sing to the sea!

Everybody!

Everyone:
Sing to the sea!
Sing to the sea!
Sing to the, sing to the, sing to the sea!

Flip: We sure be movin’ now!

Everyone:
Sing to the sea!
Sing to the sea!
Sing to the, sing to the, sing to the sea!

Fred: I see land!

Everyone:
Sing to the sea!
Sing to the sea!
Sing to the, sing to the, sing to the seaaaaaa...

(The boat crashes into land. They have reached the island of Kaloo. It’s all thick forest and a bush)

Sally:
We’re here! Yee ha! Hooray! Woohoo!
(to audience) And sure couldn’t have done it without all of you!
And thank you so much, Cap’n Flip!

Fred: Yes, thank you!

Flip:
Just livin’ me dream. Welcome, all, to Kaloo.

I’ll pick you all up in an hour or two. (exits, with boat, singing)

Fred:
Like, what do we do now?

Sally:
Find that bird somehow...
Oh yeah!
With that bird sound!

(to the kids) You remember how it goes, right?

RAKKA-DAKKA-DAKKA
A-BUKKA-DUKKA-DUKKA
AROOOO! AROOOO!

RAKKA-DAKKA-DAKKA
A-BUKKA-DUKKA-DUKKA
AROOOO! AROOOO!

(They wait. Nothing happens) FASTER!

RAKKA-DAKKA-DAKKA
A-BUKKA-DUKKA-DUKKA
AROOOO! AROOOO!

RAKKA-DAKKA-DAKKA
A-BUKKA-DUKKA-DUKKA
AROOOO! AROOOO!

Sally: Dang!
I hope Gretchiculous ain’t got ‘im!
Or his vicious stupid mangy mutt!

Fred:
Yeah, that would kinda be a problem
Waste of a trip. Pain in...

Sally:
My gut,
It tells me that we should split up
To cover more ground just in case
I’ll go over there in that patch of thick shrubs
You make a loud sound, like OWEEEEEEEE, if you seem ‘im okay?

Fred:
Okay!

(Sally exits)

Fred: (to audience)
Now where on earth could that bird be?
I gotta, like, find him immediately
And tell him to go, like, way far away
Before he winds up in a zoo or a feast!

RAKKA-DAKKA-DAKKA
A-BUKKA-DUKKA-DUKKA
AROOOO! AROOOO!

RAKKA-DAKKA-DAKKA
A-BUKKA-DUKKA-DUKKA
AROOOO! AROOOO!

(the bird of Kaloo, unbeknownst to Fred, peeks his head out into view)

Fred:
What’s that? You see something?

(Fred turns around. There’s no bird to be found)

Fred:
Ah, okay. I guess it’s nothing.

(Bird appears again)

Fred:
What is it, guys? Why all the commotion?

(Turns around. No bird)

Fred:
Come on, guys! You’re, like, toying with all my emotions!

(The bird appears again, this time entering completely. It takes a while, but Fred finally notices it)

Fred:
Oh my! I can believe- It’s ACTUALLY you!
The brilliant and beautiful bird from Kaloo!

Bird:
RAKKA-DAKKA-DAKKA
A-BUKKA-DUKKA-DUKKA
AROOOO! AROOOO!

Fred:
Stop those RAKKA-DAKKAS!
Stop all those AROOOS!
Ah! Shh! Quiet down!
They might, like, hear you!

Listen to me, bird, and listen real good
If you’re smart you will scoot out of this neighborhood
There’s a guy with a dog and a girl with a net
One will have you fried up and the other, her pet!

(the bird does not budge. Fred tries to push it away...)

Come on, bird! Don’t be dumb
Go before they both come
Scurry off with a jog
Did I mention the dog?

It’s got teeth like long swords
And when it gets bored
It chews on bird legs
And creates, like...

(Bird has retreated to the bush, by this point, revealing an egg)

This...this is yours?
So that’s why you won’t run?
You’re a mother bird, huh?
To this daughter or son...

(Sally screams offstage)

Oh, no, Sally’s in trouble!
You just, like, stay quiet
I’ll see what’s the matter
Then sneak you right by it! (exits)

Scene 4. The deep jungle. Sally Snoo is trapped in a cage. Fred enters

Fred:
Sally Snoo!
What’s happened to you?!

Sally:
Oh, Fred, bless your soul
I was taking a stroll
Then I tripped on this cloth strap
That did trigger this trap!

Fred: (smug)
Well, how does it feel
To be locked in a cage?
Like your stuck in a rut
And your heart’s filled with rage?

Just think of all the critters
You’ve trapped in your zoo
The pain that they’re feeling

Sally:
Now is NOT the time, you!
Let me out! See me loose!
This is Sally abuse!

(Fred tries to set her free to no avail)

Fred:
I’m sorry but the bars are too strong!

Sally:
Well come up with somethin’ before Gretch comes along...

(The bird of Kaloo enters. Sally notices it instantly)

Oh my gosh!

Fred: (noticing)
Oh my gosh!
I told you to stay back!

Sally:
You did WHAT!

Fred:
Nothing, but-
(to bird) You, like, really should have stayed back...

(The bird approaches the cage and, while making its signature sound, pecks Sally free)

Bird:
RAKKA-DAKKA-DAKKA
A-BUKKA-DUKKA-DUKKA
AROOOO! AROOOO!

Sally:
It set me free...
This bird of Kaloo...
Thank you, pretty bird...

(Saber’s barking erupts from off-stage)

Oh poo...

(Gretchigulous and Saber burst onto the stage)

Gretch:
‘Well, my, my and my
What have we all here?’
Gretchigulous Grunter
Did growl with a sneer

A girly familiar
A paint-covered nerd
And, oh dear, could it be
It is! My Kaloo bird...

Fred:
Stand back from the bird, dude
Like, we found it first!

Gretch:
Don’t make my dog bite you
He’s quite well-rehearsed

Sally:
He’s goin’ to my zoo where they’ll pay to come see ‘im!

Gretch:
This bird’s for my belly, not some grossish museum
Saber! ATTACK!

(Saber attacks Sally and Fred while Gretch grabs the bird)

Sally:
No fair!

Fred:
Give her back!

Gretch:
I will do no such thing
With my six-foot tall snack!

Sally:
A snack? A snack!
That gives me an idea!
My food from the store
Now let me see here...

(pulls out the bag from the store and rummages through)

Some bubble-gum grumblies
Some pickled pear’s feet
A box full of smelly beans
Ah ha! A foot of stringed meat!

(raises the meat high and Saber yelps for it)

Atta boy! You want this stringed meat? I bet you do! THAT’S my good boy!

How well can you catch?

Gretch:
Enough of this foolish- (the bird pecks him in the head repeatedly, causing Gretch to release him) Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Sally: Fetch! (Sally throws the meat at Gretch, causing Saber to pounce on him)

Gretch:
Get off me, you mongrel!
They’re getting away!
My horoscope said
This would not be my day...

Scene 5. The island shore: revisited. Sally and the Bird are on stage.

Sally:
Come on now, Freddy, we’ve got to get movin!
Cap’n Flips comin’ fast and that Gretch might come here

Flip:
Hold your horses! There’s, like, one more thing that needs doing
A new work of art!

(Sally notices bird creeping away to its nest)

Sally: (uncertain, but hiding it under caked-on determination)
Hey, you hold it right there!

I came here with a mission
And I’ll follow through
With a swing of my net
I’ll nab you for my zoo

Then you’ll spend all your days
In stuck in a cage
Just like I was lately
That is, until you...saved me...

(notices baby bird...now half hatched from egg)

And is that?
Oh, my gosh!
It’s a bird Kaloo-baby?

Okay, suck it up, you!
You are the Sally Snoo!
This is what you must do....
Plus, now I’ll have two.

(Sally attempts to grab them, but she can’t draw herself to it)

DARNIT!

(Cap’n Flip enters in his boat, humming)

Cap’n:
Yar, matey!
Ye be ready to go?

Sally:
I...um...well, I...

Flip:
I’ll take that as a ‘no’.

(Saber’s barks are heard offstage)

Sally:
It’s Gretchigulus Grunter!
That hatable hunter
(sighs)
Kaloo-bird and baby
Run away...go be free...

(Bird exits)

Gretch:
Where is my dinner
You treacherish tot?!
I’ll destroy this whole island
Til that bird I’ve got!

Saber: Grrrrrr...

Fred: (enters with a new free-standing Kaloo bird sculpture)
Please, man, don’t hurt us!
Just, like, take the bird!
You win! Have your dinner!

Gretch: (takes bird)
Ha! Look! I’m the winner!

(takes the bird into the boat with Saber)

Let’s go, Saber-doggie
Let’s move it along
Back to my large mansion

Saber: Woof!

Gretch:
Wait. What’s wrong?

Why this fowl’s not as feathered
As once I remember
And it seems rather stiff
Saber! We have been tricked!

(Gretch tries to climb out of the boat, but...)

Sally:
Come on, kids, as loud as me
Let’s sing these bad guys to the sea

(The boat launches off the shore and out of sight, Gretchigulous shouting all the while)

Sally, Fred and Flip:
Sing to the sea,
Sing to the sea,
Sing to the, sing to the, sing to the sea!

Sing to the sea,
Sing to the sea
Sing to the, sing to the, sing to the sea!

Sally:
Yay! We did it, y’all!

Fred:
Yeah, like, super job, guys
So you decided to let the bird go?

Sally:
It seemed right
This big island is better than any old cage
And guess I’ll set free all the things in my zoo
But one question sure rattles my Sally Snoo-brain
And that question is ‘With no zoo what will I do?’

Fred: Hmm...

(This part can be pretty extravagant, while Fred speaks. The bird of Kaloo can return with her baby and all sorts of other things can poke their heads out, prance about, etc...)

You can move to Kaloo!
Bring your creatures here, too
Where they all can roam free
All protected by you

And I’ll, like, drop by, too
Painting all of the beasts
Helping out where I can

Sally:
That’s a great idea, friend!

Now, our tale’s at an end

Fred:
Thanks for joining us, dudes!

Sally:
Come and stop by Kaloo!

Sally and Fred:
We’ll be waiting for you!