Just a little closer

Let me put a dollop of caramel on your glowing smile

You know I’m not much of a sweet tooth

But I’d like to taste your honeyed gaze

If it ever looks my way again

 I’ve made a deal with the wind

To blow your thoughts my way

I have asked the sun

To warm your skin, just enough

To imagine what the warmth of my hand may feel like

I tried to ask the moon for a favor

But it was on the other side of the earth

It  sent me  a message with a sprinkle of moon dust

That it knows you well, and will try again

Next full moon

When, who knows,

Your heart’s gravity may relax just enough

To let me orbit

Just a little closer.

Author's Note

Image = The Starry Night, by Van Gogh

Reviews

[Kelly Scheppers]

I'll take a dollop of caramel anytime I can get it! This melted me I must say with all its celestial influences...loved the ending!

[William Liston]

This is so beautiful and imaginative ... I'm glad to have stumbled upon it.
Your poem expresses so much yearning without sounding overly desperate or flowery. The images and their vivid imagination add so much ... the pleading with the sun and moon, the creative mention of gravity towards the end, the connection to the title in the final line ... they all fit so well. This is one of the best unrequited love poems I've read on this site. It gives a unique outlook and maintains maturity in its expression. In all, a well-crafted poem.

A minor quibble: This is a subjective critique, but I must say that although the thoughts are mostly clear and coherant, I think they could become more so if you didn't capitalize every line, just the ones that begin new sentences. Take these lines for example:

"But I’d like to taste your honeyed gaze
If it ever looks my way again"

I stumbled on those lines because I wasn't sure if they were both parts of the same sentence (which I think was what you intended) or if the second line started a new sentence. I initially read it as the latter, and stumbled on the following line. With my critique in mind, the first five lines would read as follows:

Let me put a dollop of caramel on your glowing smile
You know I’m not much of a sweet tooth,
but I’d like to taste your honeyed gaze
if it ever looks my way again
I’ve made a deal with the wind

That one part was the only thing I stumbled on though; so this critique only benefits a small portion of the poem, in my opinion.

- William Liston