Imaginary -Chapter 2-

Imagine you’re this woman who was living an ordinary life. Always caring, never hurt anyone in your lifetime. One day while you lie asleep in your bed, you heard a noise coming from within your house.

***Please note that this contains a very short mature scene***

-Chapter 2-

The Unwanted Visitors

 

“Is there someone in my house?” I said petrified and afraid as I continued on, “It couldn’t be my dog; she’s in my room with me.” I thought to myself. I reach for my phone but the line was dead; my cell phone was left down stairs. I got up, shaking tremendously, afraid not knowing what will come. Quietly I haste to the stairs; I glance swiftly to see who might be below me. I couldn’t believe my eyes, there were four masked men in my house, two had guns; all are wearing black from head to toe.

 

I gasp out loud, afraid and in shock as I ran for my room. I tried to be as quiet but I wasn’t as quiet as I wanted to be. I might’ve made just enough noise to catch their attention or maybe they did not hear me at all. I wish it was that but it wasn’t.

 

“Theirs someone in the house!” One of them said franticly. Their leader orders them to split up. I could hear as two of them came up the stairs; one went my way, the other down the hall. I quickly and quietly ran into my closet. I hid there hoping to not be found. I saw the shadow on my floor as he walks into my room. I just froze, scared knowing that I am going to be found; sure enough I was. He grabs my arm as I try to break free, I kick and I scream but it was no use. Scarlet wakes from her sleep to see me struggling; she knew I was in trouble. She got up and attacks the man on his left arm. With his right hand, he grabs for his gun; I plead for her life but he shot her dead. The sound of the gunshot following Scarlet final cry, echoes through out the house. I was hysterical and crying; I just lost one of my best friend right in front of me.

 

The guy, he throws me out of my room onto the floor. I slowly got up and glance out the window to my left; outside was the same white van from earlier. I now know that they’ve been watching me. He grabs me again by the same arm; he points the gun at my back, I can feel it pressed up against me. The man, he forces me downstairs where I meet his boss. He yells at me; with the gun in his hand, he hits me across my face with it. My nose it bled, the pain I feel excruciating. He demands I tell him where all my money and jewelries are. I am in so much pain and so scared that I could not answer. Upset as he was, he hits me with his gun again, this time breaking my nose. Right then I said with a great outburst,

“THERE IS A SAFE; THERE IS A SAFE IN MY LIBRARY BEHIND THE PAINTING OF A RAVEN! The combination is five, twenty two, seventeen, four. There’s little over fifty grand and some expensive jewelry in there. I have a jewelry box in my room. Just take everything, please! JUST TAKE IT ALL!”

 

The boss, he grabs me by my hair pulling my head up forcefully; he said with a sarcastic voice, “There, that wasn’t too hard now was it?” He orders everyone to go and retrieve all my money and jewelry, he stays behind with me. He waits for everyone to be out-of-site, before grabbing me and taking me into one of the downstairs bedroom where he locks the door and throws me onto the bed; I just knew what was to come and there would be no way to avoid it. He began to forcefully remove all my clothes. I scream while I try to fight him, I really did; I was unmatched for he was much stronger than I ever was. Then it happened, I now felt him inside me as he continues to rape me. I am crying, pleading as I couldn’t help myself but to breathe heavily. He keeps on yelling at me to shut up as he kept on abusing my body. I felt warmness inside me; I just knew he was done. After he puts his pants back on, he leans over me as I lie there hopeless on the bed. I heard as he whispers in my ear as he covers my mouth,

“You will never speak of this to no one.”

That’s when I felt it, the most excruciating pain I had ever felt as he plunges the knife in my side, over and over again; leaving me bloody and naked on that bed as I now lay dieing.

 

I heard a door open and close as they left; with little strength I have, I managed to push myself off that bed. I scream, calling for help as I try to crawl to the front door. I was just inches from it when I collapsed. Less than an hour later, cops showed up; I was too long gone.

 

It was now seven thirty in the morning; there are media vans, police and fire department, all of which had surrounded my house. Arriving now was a black 1984 mustang; it was Thomas. He ran to my house hoping I was ok; the cops prevented him from proceeding inside. He was able to get a glimpse of the body bag lying on the floor; he knew it was me. Thomas demanded that the cops tell him what had happened. After being told, Thomas freaked and fell to his knees, bursting into tears. The rest of that year, Thomas could not stop thinking about me. He lived on with a cloud of despair, hanging just above his head.

Author's Note

***Imagine you’re this woman who was living an ordinary life. Always caring, never hurt anyone in your lifetime. One day while you lie asleep in your bed, you heard a noise coming from within your house. Could it be your dog knocking stuff over again? That’s when you get out of bed and take a look and see. But what you saw would be the very last thing you’d ever see, will alive anyways. You were just living your own life when your life was stolen from you, for what? What else money. Now you’re dead yet you cannot rest until your killers are found but the thing is, the only one who could see you now is a little girl not an age past five. This is what happened to Serenity, a woman who lost her life over money. Now this little girl is Serenity’s last hope but the thing is, her single father thinks that Serenity is her imaginary friend. What would you do if the only person you must rely on is but a kid, and the only way for your spirit to be at peace is through her?***



This is actually a book that I'm working on but the thing is, I've never written a book before. So I decided to upload what all I have so far and get some help and advice from you guys on trying to make it better.... So that's why I ask, "Is this a good start for a book and is there anything that I should fix or correct with this?

Reviews

[~Blue Fantasy~]

Ok that was good. You can't just leave me hanging!!! I have t admit I did cringe when I read the part about him raping her and stabbing her. Everything flowed and I understood what she was telling. I thought it was really good and suspenseful! You have got to send me the next part! Ok? Thanks for writing this book!!

[marie]

loves it !!!

[Renée]

Waiting for the next..

[The Pain Stays Fresh]

Really good! Very suspenseful! Can't wait to read the next chapter. You're such an awesome writer.

[Victorious]

Dear Adam M. Snow,

There are some grammar errors that I've noticed.

Change "theirs" in this sentence, "Theirs someone in the house" to "There's" because "theirs" is a possessive pronoun and not the correct word.

In addition, you tend to switch tenses. Either you go in past tense, examples include, "I quickly and quietly ran into my closet. I hid there hoping to not be found. I saw the shadow on my floor." and "I heard a door open and close as they left; with little strength I have, I managed to push myself off that bed." Or you go in present tense, examples of this would include, "The boss, he grabs me by my hair pulling my head up forcefully" and "I gasp out loud, afraid and in shock"

Past tense uses words like "was" and "said" and "did" while present tense uses words like "is" and "says" and "does"

Since the narrator is retelling her tragic death, part of it should be in past tense since she is presenting her past.

The capital letters are unnecessary as you have said the narrator "said with a great outburst" therefore letting, us the readers, know that she screamed such words.

Otherwise, the plot is compelling. I love the unique circumstances of the protagonist and it makes me wonder how this all will unfold. This is suspenseful.

Thank you for sharing.

Sincerely Livana Lowell (LL)

God bless

[Daytonight]

Wow! Very intense and well written. Keep on penning!

[Victoria PoetryBunny]

Wow... dramatic and tragic. The ending so sad where Thomas arrives. Really a great write, you're doing well at keeping my attention, that's for sure.
If you would like to correct:
Your warning at the beginning, Note instead of not, after please.
"Please not that this contains a very short mature scene"
In this line know should be now:
"leaving me bloody and naked on that bed as I know lay dieing."

[Shep]

My Review Notes) Great story great beginning. Looking forward to reading more. Have emailed the corrections that I suggested in hopes it helps. After all I believe we help each other where we can.

[Coyote Poetry]

A powerful chapter. The book is very good. Hard to write a book. Need time to keep the outline of the book correct and keep the reader mind on your words. I like the situations and actions of the characters in this chapter. A very good chapter.
Coyote

[Shep]

Very good story and a great beginning. I'll come back and help you clean it up. It would read better in third person and if you plan on it to be a book.

[_]

that really sent shudders down my spine! of gosh that was good wow, uh theres another shudder. anyway that was suspenseful and action and detailed like a movie! aweeom let's what happened after a year in...

Chapter 3!!!