Hold My Breath

Hold My Breath

A Poem by Marlena

You said you would love me and you did

but I can't escape this bitter loneliness

and I can't help this strange urge I feel inside

you said it was all right, the pain comes with the night 

and still I tried

You said you'd protect me and you did

but I keep making scars and marks I can't cover anymore

words pass through me and insults swim in my veins

I'm used to the pain, it's always the same

I'm wrong, I'm always wrong, I can't cover anymore

I'm all wrapped up in chains

Oh, I asked you to breathe life in me

and you did

- inhale, now, please.


I told you I'd love you and I am

I see it in your eyes and on your face

you've told me through silence

your disgrace,

It'll be all right, the sun always wipes away the night

I told you I'd protect you and I tried

but I see these scars appearing and I know why,

I hear words tumble from you and see your pain

You aren't wrong, you aren't wrong, and I know why.

I'll break away those chains, it won't have to be the same. 

You asked me for life and I've given it to you

I'll hold my breath now,

I'll hold my breath now. 

All for you.


© 2009 Marlena



Author's Note

Marlena
Personal, I guess. Top part is a girl speaking, bottom part is a guy speaking. Just let me know what you think, okay?

EDIT- tried to add a little more emotion, added a few lines, took out a word or two. :P Lemme know what you think, this poem is one of my favorites so I'll take all criticism I can get. :)


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Reviews

i love the emotion in this wiritng! i can totally relate to this!
very catching!

Posted 7 Years Ago


Another amazing write, this really had the overflowing emotion in it.
I think this is a real powerful write here. I throughly enjoyed this one
as much as the other one. Jam packed of emotion. Awesome!

Posted 7 Years Ago


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Bud
A tear falls, falls to the ground.
Running from these new words it found.
Saddened by the pain, pain it does feel.
Picturing scars made of steel.
Seeing a Talent hurt, so deep inside.
Unable to run, unable to hide.
Hands bound nothing can be done.
To help her heart, a lonely one.

Your Talent is pure, Aveira. This is painfully an Outstanding work of art.

Posted 7 Years Ago


Oh I didn't even catch the girl/boy switch until I read the reviewer's note; but I think that was just due to my obliviousness, because you did make it fairly apparent with the similar lines. (Though when I read it first, thinking it was one person talking, I didn't think it was bad as just one person, because it still made some sense with the holding breath; like if the girl held her breath the guy would no longer have to breath for her, so that was why I didn't catch it.)
But anyways, if its not just me, you could do some simple things like put

Her;
Stanza
Stanza
Stanza

Him;
Stanza
Stanza
Stanza

Or you could even just change it to third person so it had she, he, him, her, his, switch. Or make the first one pink and the second one blue. Idk. LOL.

But, of course, I only missed it because I wasn't expecting a switch so I didn't look for it.

Anyways other than that I reallyy liked the "inhale now please" and "I'll hold my breath now" parts. That was creative. :D And it really made the stanzas fit together well, truly completing the poem.

The first line of the second stanza should technically be "I told you I'd love you and I do" rather than am. Though I'm sure if you really wanted to you could get away with it.

Then you can chuck words like "can" because its not necessary. (second stanza; second line)

The only thing I didn't understand after I read it knowing that it was two people talking was in the first stanza the girl says she asked him to breath life into her, but in the second stanza it says she told him to live? So if he no longer has his breath, I assume he breathed it into her, and no longer has it so that she can live instead of him. She did she want him to live or did she want to live herself?

Lastly, I think this poem could use more words that would make the emotions stronger and maybe even throw in a metaphor or a personification. :]
like:
"but I can't escape thoughts of loneliness
and I can't help this strange urge I feel inside."
could be
"but I can't escape the eclipse of loneliness
And this strange urge I feel eats me alive"
Just to make the emotions stronger and the diction a little more creative. Obviously you don't have to use that, that's just an example of what I mean so you can give the poem some more kick. :)

As always though, these are just some ideas on improving the poem. Pick out which ideas you would like to use, and ignore the ones you don't.

Good work! :D

Jean

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago


Oh, I asked you to breathe life in me

and you did

- inhale, now, please.

These lines are so perfect, how easy it is to want to share with that someone we love everything we have, first breath down to even our last breath!! Thanks for sharing!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago



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Added on December 26, 2009
Last Updated on December 27, 2009
Tags: breathe, death, suicide, cutting, cut, hurt, pain, broken, love, life, living, go, on, inhale, hold, my, breath, dying
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Marlena
Marlena

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